Healthy
I'm no longer under the thumb of Ana. I couldn't tell you when exactly it happened, only that I suddenly realized I was killing myself slowly. And it's not the kind of death resulting from a gunshot wound, but more of a sort of cancer that eats away at your soul until all that's left is a lifeless, lost human being. I started thinking about the future--yeah, it's not going away, no matter how much you ignore it--and trying to envision myself making new friends... and I couldn't. Why? Because I couldn't function properly among my peers. They were thinking about parties and sex or just plain conversation, and I was thinking about food, how I could avoid it and what excuses to use. I didn't even think about forming a close group of girlfriends because hello--fear is just as present as self-loathing. How could I expect other girls to like me when *I* didn't even like me? So it looked like I was destined to be friendless during my "college years", or the rest of my life, for that matter. And that bothered me, but like most girls who have an eating disorder, I felt powerless. It was like I thought Ana was my fate and I couldn't be helped. I'd just live the rest of my life, um, not eating. Through a boyfriend, eventually a husband, then a family, and then at the age of 79 I'd die a happy, beautiful woman. Hah.
When you don't eat over a long period of time you start to develop this kind of chemical imbalance. Your memory goes haywire, you get terrible mood swings, you start to resemble someone with bi-polar disorder (you're "happy" one moment and the next you just want to slit your neck because oh my god you're so worthless and stupid and fucking retarded, you just want to end it!"), you can't focus, you become neurotic (quantity of a certain safe food, how you eat it, when you eat it, where you eat it, etc.), and you're depressed. All. The. Time. And we accept this because we think we deserve this. That we're so-called "fat". Why and how did we come to this conclusion? There's so many different causes or reasons why we decide to starve ourselves. Abuse, pressure, confusion, media, death, whatever.
When you don't eat over a long period of time you start to develop this kind of chemical imbalance. Your memory goes haywire, you get terrible mood swings, you start to resemble someone with bi-polar disorder (you're "happy" one moment and the next you just want to slit your neck because oh my god you're so worthless and stupid and fucking retarded, you just want to end it!"), you can't focus, you become neurotic (quantity of a certain safe food, how you eat it, when you eat it, where you eat it, etc.), and you're depressed. All. The. Time. And we accept this because we think we deserve this. That we're so-called "fat". Why and how did we come to this conclusion? There's so many different causes or reasons why we decide to starve ourselves. Abuse, pressure, confusion, media, death, whatever.