Eternal Pain
Yes, what an "emo" opening subject. But, thats how I feel my life has been lately. For the past month I have felt depressed, alone, worthless, and a throw away of a human being.
How can people cheat? Why do they do it? I surely know its not because of what the person that got cheated on did. This much is for certain. But, you still cant help but think "Does he have something that I don't?" It is in the back of your mind constantly. The answer is "No", because deep down I know I am everything and better then what Jamin is. Jamin is a piece of shit of a human being. Someone you walk on, he is less then a man, less then a boy, even less then a small wailing baby. He is a puss, who cant stand there and tell you he did wrong. He cant hold up a job, he leaves the only one he had without telling anyone. He cant hold up an education, he drops out of everything when it becomes hard. He is a small, scared, husk of a image of a human being. A real man, would have admitted he was wrong and not seen Kim anymore after that, but he ran away with her. They are both dead to me as far as I am concerned.
I would think, with my hatred so large and fearsome, that I could forget the pain. But, I cant seem to do it. There mornings that I wake up, quiet like this one, where I just have a relapse. "How could she do that?" I ask. With no answer. I did everything for her, paid for her college, helped her with her credit cards, paid for her cell phone, was a very romantic person, and was always there for her in emotional need. Most of all, I loved her unflinchingly. I didnt have someone in the background for a rebound. I wasnt flirting with anyone, I was devoted to her. And the fact, that I didnt beat the shit out of her when I walked in that day, shows a testament of my manhood. As far as I am concerned I am a big burly lumberjack with a beard and an axe over my shoulder compared to the small and frail frame that is Jamin.
But, still, why the pain? I suppose it is just the loneliness, having someone to wake up to in the morning. Perhaps, its the fact that I was wronged, and I had no tie in it. I did nothing to deserve it, I was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Maybe, just maybe, I feel the pain so bad because I am a good person, a trusting boyfriend, and a man. A man, stripped away of his pride when the woman he loved was sleeping with another. Perhaps. Maybe that is why.
So, is there any hope? Will I ever find anyone that I truly care for just as much as I did Kim? I think yes, but there is that oh so daunting possibly that I will never find the one I want to marry. I know, it sounds crazy, but I just want to find "The one". No, not Neo, just the one. I want the solidity and companionship that anyone wants in a person, for better and for worse. The possibility that I may never find another scares me, no matter how small that possibility is. I am seeing this one girl named Julie. She is older then Kim and much more mature. Alas, I shouldnt compare her to Kim, because comparing the two would be like comparing a snake to a flower. I havent "Fallen" for Julie, but I am on my way there. We have alot in common and she enjoys the same things I do. We have spent many a night talking on the phone till 3-5 am in the morning. I wish it with all my heart that this turns into a beautiful relationship.
I deserve better. I deserve someone that will appreciate me. I deserve someone who will be true. I deserve the best, and nothing short of it, God dammit.
How can people cheat? Why do they do it? I surely know its not because of what the person that got cheated on did. This much is for certain. But, you still cant help but think "Does he have something that I don't?" It is in the back of your mind constantly. The answer is "No", because deep down I know I am everything and better then what Jamin is. Jamin is a piece of shit of a human being. Someone you walk on, he is less then a man, less then a boy, even less then a small wailing baby. He is a puss, who cant stand there and tell you he did wrong. He cant hold up a job, he leaves the only one he had without telling anyone. He cant hold up an education, he drops out of everything when it becomes hard. He is a small, scared, husk of a image of a human being. A real man, would have admitted he was wrong and not seen Kim anymore after that, but he ran away with her. They are both dead to me as far as I am concerned.
I would think, with my hatred so large and fearsome, that I could forget the pain. But, I cant seem to do it. There mornings that I wake up, quiet like this one, where I just have a relapse. "How could she do that?" I ask. With no answer. I did everything for her, paid for her college, helped her with her credit cards, paid for her cell phone, was a very romantic person, and was always there for her in emotional need. Most of all, I loved her unflinchingly. I didnt have someone in the background for a rebound. I wasnt flirting with anyone, I was devoted to her. And the fact, that I didnt beat the shit out of her when I walked in that day, shows a testament of my manhood. As far as I am concerned I am a big burly lumberjack with a beard and an axe over my shoulder compared to the small and frail frame that is Jamin.
But, still, why the pain? I suppose it is just the loneliness, having someone to wake up to in the morning. Perhaps, its the fact that I was wronged, and I had no tie in it. I did nothing to deserve it, I was the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. Maybe, just maybe, I feel the pain so bad because I am a good person, a trusting boyfriend, and a man. A man, stripped away of his pride when the woman he loved was sleeping with another. Perhaps. Maybe that is why.
So, is there any hope? Will I ever find anyone that I truly care for just as much as I did Kim? I think yes, but there is that oh so daunting possibly that I will never find the one I want to marry. I know, it sounds crazy, but I just want to find "The one". No, not Neo, just the one. I want the solidity and companionship that anyone wants in a person, for better and for worse. The possibility that I may never find another scares me, no matter how small that possibility is. I am seeing this one girl named Julie. She is older then Kim and much more mature. Alas, I shouldnt compare her to Kim, because comparing the two would be like comparing a snake to a flower. I havent "Fallen" for Julie, but I am on my way there. We have alot in common and she enjoys the same things I do. We have spent many a night talking on the phone till 3-5 am in the morning. I wish it with all my heart that this turns into a beautiful relationship.
I deserve better. I deserve someone that will appreciate me. I deserve someone who will be true. I deserve the best, and nothing short of it, God dammit.