(no subject)
I fucking hate my life...
Why is it that whenever I'm actually in a good mood people have to ruin it? What's so bad about me being in a good mood? Why can't people let me have my few moments of greatness? Why do they have to shoot me down and tell me it's my fault, when they should know I'll believe them, because I'm afraid to blame them. I'm afraid to do anything but hate myself. I don't want to know what's wrong with others.
Other people are so fucking perfect, I should just shoot myself and get it over with. If it's not my friends talking about "woe is me" FUCK THEM! If they're going to fucking kill themselves just do it and stop making me feel worthless! I already know I'm pathetic and hopeless and worthless and I can't help anyone! You don't need to fucking tell me about it all the time.
I know I'm a fucking slacker, why the fuck to my teachers have to constantly tell me I can't make my own decisions when I've been planning this fucking trip and my time after high school for three FUCKING YEARS! Fuck them! What the fuck do they know about the world? Half of them have never lived anywhere but Massachusetts. Their children are going to the same school they graduated from. How can they understand this burning desire to see the world, to be free, unfettered... How can they understand my desire to die rather than stay in one place, in one profession, in one fucking pit of hell than stay here.
What's wrong with my not knowing what I want to do for the REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE! I'm not even eighteen, I shouldn't have to make that fucking decision right now... I should be allowed to be young for a little longer...
I don't want to grow up, I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to grow old and forget all of this. I don't want to move on. For once in my fucking life I want to stay here, forever. I want to stay like this for as long as humanly possible. Why do they keep fucking me over and making me think about something that makes me sit up at night and cry? Why do they have to keep telling me I'm immature?
Why won't my fucking mother back off and let me run my own life? I mention something once to her as a brief idea, and she tells everyone that's what I'm going to do and makes arrangements for me. I'm so tired of it.. Sometimes I just want to die because of that. And she wonders why I don't do things. She wonders why I hate my father for clinging, or grow dead silent when she brings up a subject.
The worst part, when I tell her I don't want to do something, she doesn't even listen. "Oh, it won't be hard, just wait and see." Or, "Oh, well, try it for a few more weeks and then make a decision" I"VE ALREADY MADE MY FUCKING DECISION! Why don't you understand that? I'm not a little girl anymore. You're the one who keeps telling me I'm a responsible adult, why won't you let me act like one? Without guilt-tripping me.
Why do you have to yell at me and then pretend nothing happened? And you fucking wonder why I hate myself! It's not my father's fault, it's your fault! You never let me be myself, I always had to be your little girl, at least Daddy's finally realizing I'm not a little girl anymore, at least he's letting me grow up. You're not giving me that sort of respect.
You want to know why I'm so fucking paranoid? Because you're always talking about me, telling people things I don't want them to know, not because I'm my father's daughter. You want to know why I think I lack talent? Because everytime I'm finally proud of myself, you have to tell me that you did the same thing ten times better. Want to know why I gave up half the instruments I tried to play? Because you didn't care, or you could do it better...
I gave up sports because my father pushed me too hard, you didn't care at all... And now that I'm a teenager, and I found something all my own, something I love, something I want to pursue, you're pushing me the wrong way. And you don't even see it. You don't see how everytime I bite my tongue for your sake, a piece of me dies. You never saw it, you never cared. I'll never be as good as my brother... I'll never be more than your baby. I'll never make you think like he does. I'll never be the genius he is, I'll never be your inspiration like he was...
You keep telling me how my father, and your parents and everyone in the fucking world is a chauvinist. What you don't seem to understand, is the only chauvinist I know is you. My brother always came first. Jericho was always your star. My father was always the one you catered to. I'm just your daughter. I'll never be good enough to make my own decisions. You'll never like any of the boys I date, just pretend you do, then say you saw our break-up from the very beginning...
You change your story everytime I turn around, and then call my father a liar. I've finally opened up my eyes, and the only thing wrong with me, is you. And I had the stupidity to idolize you. I thought you could make everything better, I thought you'd always be there for me, God was I wrong. I'll never be anything but your baby girl. That's it.
And you wonder why I'm such a quiet child. You purposely say things to hurt me and then pretend it never happened. You make a point of telling me what a failure I am and think that because you were drunk or stressed I'll just forgive you. YOU NEVER FORGAVE ME! Why the fuck should I give you the same courtesy? Why do I even bother to ask you anything? You never answer me, and if you do, you tell me what YOU would do, instead of saying anything useful.
You never see my tears, or hear my sobs, and when you do, you think a pat on the back and asking me what's wrong will make it better. Newsflash: You actually have to listen to me, just shut up and listen. I've been screaming inside for so long that I can't hear myself anymore. All I hear is you telling me how 'difficult" I am when I speak my mind, or some vague bullshit that will never help while pushing me to do something I don't want to do.
Fuck You.
"I'm a priest for the poorest sacrifice
I'm but a raft in a sea of sorrow and greed
You bathed in my wine
Drank from my cup, mocked my rhyme
Your slit tongues licked my aching wounds
Put a stake through my heart!
And drag me into sunlight
So awake for your greed
As you're slaying the dreamer
Swansong for the Wish of Night
God it hurts, give a name to the pain
Our primrose path to hell is growing weed
Blame me, it's me
Coward, a good-for-nothing scapegoat
Dumb kid, living a dream
Romantic only on paper
Tell me why you took all that was mine!
Stay as you lay - don't lead me astray!
Wake up, mow the weed
You'd be nothing without me
Take my life if you have the heart to die
You bastards tainted my tool
Raped my words, played me a fool
Gather your precious glitter and leave me be
The Great Ones are all dead
And I'm tired, too
I truly hate you all!"
You don't get it when I crank up my music and play along with it. You don't seem to understand these silent cries for some real love. I know I'm not beautiful, I know I'm not your son, I know I'm not brilliant, I know I'm not everything you wanted me to be, but does that mean you can't love me like him? Does that mean that just once you can't really look at yourself and see you like I see you? Your my mother. You're supposed to love me, defend me, care for me, help me grow... But it seems like I've grown despite you. Doesn't it?
My father is a compulsive liar, and you have the worst memory in the world. So I don't know who to believe anymore.
"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker`s cry, the one without tears
For I`ve given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother`s lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"
"Teach me passion for I fear it`s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I`m sorry
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you
And you... I wish I didn`t feel for you anymore..."
Don't you hear me anymore? Once upon a time I could whisper something and you'd hear. What happened? Did you stop loving me? Or was I no longer the child you wanted? What did I do wrong? Is it because I'm not the primadonna? I'm not popular with lots of friends? I'm not a knock-out who shows off her beauty and flirts with everyone? Is that what's wrong? I'm not perfect?
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little harder now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
I'm fucking sick of you and Daddy trying to mold me into what you never were. I'll make my own way, without you. How do you feel about that? Is that harsh enough for you to hear the pain? Is that good enough for you to see me? Did I finally do something to make you see me instead of the child you wished I was?
I'll never be perfect like you. I'm not an artist, I'm not even a very good actress. I'm a good rider, but you always had to tell me about how much better you were. Just once, I want you to see me, to praise me without talking about yourself. Is that really so hard? Why can't anyone seem to do that for me? Am I really that horrible that you can't praise me? You have to praise yourself in order to seem happy? If that's true, stop lying to me.
I'm growing up, whether I like it or not, you need to accept it now.
Why is it that whenever I'm actually in a good mood people have to ruin it? What's so bad about me being in a good mood? Why can't people let me have my few moments of greatness? Why do they have to shoot me down and tell me it's my fault, when they should know I'll believe them, because I'm afraid to blame them. I'm afraid to do anything but hate myself. I don't want to know what's wrong with others.
Other people are so fucking perfect, I should just shoot myself and get it over with. If it's not my friends talking about "woe is me" FUCK THEM! If they're going to fucking kill themselves just do it and stop making me feel worthless! I already know I'm pathetic and hopeless and worthless and I can't help anyone! You don't need to fucking tell me about it all the time.
I know I'm a fucking slacker, why the fuck to my teachers have to constantly tell me I can't make my own decisions when I've been planning this fucking trip and my time after high school for three FUCKING YEARS! Fuck them! What the fuck do they know about the world? Half of them have never lived anywhere but Massachusetts. Their children are going to the same school they graduated from. How can they understand this burning desire to see the world, to be free, unfettered... How can they understand my desire to die rather than stay in one place, in one profession, in one fucking pit of hell than stay here.
What's wrong with my not knowing what I want to do for the REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE! I'm not even eighteen, I shouldn't have to make that fucking decision right now... I should be allowed to be young for a little longer...
I don't want to grow up, I don't want to be an adult, I don't want to grow old and forget all of this. I don't want to move on. For once in my fucking life I want to stay here, forever. I want to stay like this for as long as humanly possible. Why do they keep fucking me over and making me think about something that makes me sit up at night and cry? Why do they have to keep telling me I'm immature?
Why won't my fucking mother back off and let me run my own life? I mention something once to her as a brief idea, and she tells everyone that's what I'm going to do and makes arrangements for me. I'm so tired of it.. Sometimes I just want to die because of that. And she wonders why I don't do things. She wonders why I hate my father for clinging, or grow dead silent when she brings up a subject.
The worst part, when I tell her I don't want to do something, she doesn't even listen. "Oh, it won't be hard, just wait and see." Or, "Oh, well, try it for a few more weeks and then make a decision" I"VE ALREADY MADE MY FUCKING DECISION! Why don't you understand that? I'm not a little girl anymore. You're the one who keeps telling me I'm a responsible adult, why won't you let me act like one? Without guilt-tripping me.
Why do you have to yell at me and then pretend nothing happened? And you fucking wonder why I hate myself! It's not my father's fault, it's your fault! You never let me be myself, I always had to be your little girl, at least Daddy's finally realizing I'm not a little girl anymore, at least he's letting me grow up. You're not giving me that sort of respect.
You want to know why I'm so fucking paranoid? Because you're always talking about me, telling people things I don't want them to know, not because I'm my father's daughter. You want to know why I think I lack talent? Because everytime I'm finally proud of myself, you have to tell me that you did the same thing ten times better. Want to know why I gave up half the instruments I tried to play? Because you didn't care, or you could do it better...
I gave up sports because my father pushed me too hard, you didn't care at all... And now that I'm a teenager, and I found something all my own, something I love, something I want to pursue, you're pushing me the wrong way. And you don't even see it. You don't see how everytime I bite my tongue for your sake, a piece of me dies. You never saw it, you never cared. I'll never be as good as my brother... I'll never be more than your baby. I'll never make you think like he does. I'll never be the genius he is, I'll never be your inspiration like he was...
You keep telling me how my father, and your parents and everyone in the fucking world is a chauvinist. What you don't seem to understand, is the only chauvinist I know is you. My brother always came first. Jericho was always your star. My father was always the one you catered to. I'm just your daughter. I'll never be good enough to make my own decisions. You'll never like any of the boys I date, just pretend you do, then say you saw our break-up from the very beginning...
You change your story everytime I turn around, and then call my father a liar. I've finally opened up my eyes, and the only thing wrong with me, is you. And I had the stupidity to idolize you. I thought you could make everything better, I thought you'd always be there for me, God was I wrong. I'll never be anything but your baby girl. That's it.
And you wonder why I'm such a quiet child. You purposely say things to hurt me and then pretend it never happened. You make a point of telling me what a failure I am and think that because you were drunk or stressed I'll just forgive you. YOU NEVER FORGAVE ME! Why the fuck should I give you the same courtesy? Why do I even bother to ask you anything? You never answer me, and if you do, you tell me what YOU would do, instead of saying anything useful.
You never see my tears, or hear my sobs, and when you do, you think a pat on the back and asking me what's wrong will make it better. Newsflash: You actually have to listen to me, just shut up and listen. I've been screaming inside for so long that I can't hear myself anymore. All I hear is you telling me how 'difficult" I am when I speak my mind, or some vague bullshit that will never help while pushing me to do something I don't want to do.
Fuck You.
"I'm a priest for the poorest sacrifice
I'm but a raft in a sea of sorrow and greed
You bathed in my wine
Drank from my cup, mocked my rhyme
Your slit tongues licked my aching wounds
Put a stake through my heart!
And drag me into sunlight
So awake for your greed
As you're slaying the dreamer
Swansong for the Wish of Night
God it hurts, give a name to the pain
Our primrose path to hell is growing weed
Blame me, it's me
Coward, a good-for-nothing scapegoat
Dumb kid, living a dream
Romantic only on paper
Tell me why you took all that was mine!
Stay as you lay - don't lead me astray!
Wake up, mow the weed
You'd be nothing without me
Take my life if you have the heart to die
You bastards tainted my tool
Raped my words, played me a fool
Gather your precious glitter and leave me be
The Great Ones are all dead
And I'm tired, too
I truly hate you all!"
You don't get it when I crank up my music and play along with it. You don't seem to understand these silent cries for some real love. I know I'm not beautiful, I know I'm not your son, I know I'm not brilliant, I know I'm not everything you wanted me to be, but does that mean you can't love me like him? Does that mean that just once you can't really look at yourself and see you like I see you? Your my mother. You're supposed to love me, defend me, care for me, help me grow... But it seems like I've grown despite you. Doesn't it?
My father is a compulsive liar, and you have the worst memory in the world. So I don't know who to believe anymore.
"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker`s cry, the one without tears
For I`ve given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother`s lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"
"Teach me passion for I fear it`s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I`m sorry
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you
And you... I wish I didn`t feel for you anymore..."
Don't you hear me anymore? Once upon a time I could whisper something and you'd hear. What happened? Did you stop loving me? Or was I no longer the child you wanted? What did I do wrong? Is it because I'm not the primadonna? I'm not popular with lots of friends? I'm not a knock-out who shows off her beauty and flirts with everyone? Is that what's wrong? I'm not perfect?
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little harder now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
I'm fucking sick of you and Daddy trying to mold me into what you never were. I'll make my own way, without you. How do you feel about that? Is that harsh enough for you to hear the pain? Is that good enough for you to see me? Did I finally do something to make you see me instead of the child you wished I was?
I'll never be perfect like you. I'm not an artist, I'm not even a very good actress. I'm a good rider, but you always had to tell me about how much better you were. Just once, I want you to see me, to praise me without talking about yourself. Is that really so hard? Why can't anyone seem to do that for me? Am I really that horrible that you can't praise me? You have to praise yourself in order to seem happy? If that's true, stop lying to me.
I'm growing up, whether I like it or not, you need to accept it now.