Pausing While on the Road
The other day on wellofsilence’s AIM buddy info he posted
the lyrics from what appear to be a Ben Folds Five song. I post them below:
Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
This sent me off on another one of my random, introspective swings. If you’re not interested I won’t blame you for not reading beyond this sentence. The subject of growing up has bothered me in general for quite sometime. I suppose it first began when I hit puberty and had the severely disturbing revelation, while at Disneyland, that I was not enjoying it as I had when I was younger. This sensation has been running beneath my conscious mind for many of my teenage years, only becoming visible during periods of intense stress related to developmental change (e.g. all of tenth grade year, preceding graduation, the summer after graduation, and first semester of college).
After a fantastically liberating second semester of my college career I have noticed these dreaded sensations reemerging at the beginning of what could possibly be one of the last summers of its kind. It is a strange sensation to get a full time job and to suddenly see all of my friends doing the same. As I write this I feel the familiar terrifying dread seeping into my core. Suddenly I see once friends drifting away and not feeling the strong urge to pull them back. I will confess that there have been many nights when tears have streaked my face when I have had similar “shocks.”
Then another side of me begins realizing that this was inevitable and it is well known that hindsight is 20/20. To quote the Borg, “Resistance is futile.” *hikes glasses up nose in nerdly fashion* I think that my terrified side does not want responsibility. Ironically, this is the side that also makes for a bored Michael and when I look back on my past there are very few times which I would want to return to and be happy. I love my independence. I love my job. I love being able to make money. If anything, having a schedule has forced me to appreciate more fully my time spent with my friends. Which, I feel, has made deeper connections with them. Less quantity of high quality > more quantity of less quality.
It will be alright as long as I remain aware and able to enjoy moments of absolute stillness. Today I drove up to the closed avalanche gates at Gardsman’s Pass up Big Cottonwood Canyon. Once up there I looked through some recently developed photos, drank a Slurpee, ate some beef jerky, and was completely unproductive for several hours. After this I drove down to Silver Lake and walked around it before the snow halted my progress. I sat down on a rock; enjoyed the scenery and sun; and threw pebbles into the lake. It was an absolutely delightful time. I have no fear that my “inner child will die” as long as I am able to enjoy such times.
I choose to end this post with lyrics which counterpoint the somewhat grim lyrics with which it began. This is an excerpt from a song titled Live Today by the Five Point Plan:
it's all about finding what we're here to do
live for your love, and to yourself be true
'cause one of these days it'll all go away
and there's only one thing you've gotta do:
live today.
Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
This sent me off on another one of my random, introspective swings. If you’re not interested I won’t blame you for not reading beyond this sentence. The subject of growing up has bothered me in general for quite sometime. I suppose it first began when I hit puberty and had the severely disturbing revelation, while at Disneyland, that I was not enjoying it as I had when I was younger. This sensation has been running beneath my conscious mind for many of my teenage years, only becoming visible during periods of intense stress related to developmental change (e.g. all of tenth grade year, preceding graduation, the summer after graduation, and first semester of college).
After a fantastically liberating second semester of my college career I have noticed these dreaded sensations reemerging at the beginning of what could possibly be one of the last summers of its kind. It is a strange sensation to get a full time job and to suddenly see all of my friends doing the same. As I write this I feel the familiar terrifying dread seeping into my core. Suddenly I see once friends drifting away and not feeling the strong urge to pull them back. I will confess that there have been many nights when tears have streaked my face when I have had similar “shocks.”
Then another side of me begins realizing that this was inevitable and it is well known that hindsight is 20/20. To quote the Borg, “Resistance is futile.” *hikes glasses up nose in nerdly fashion* I think that my terrified side does not want responsibility. Ironically, this is the side that also makes for a bored Michael and when I look back on my past there are very few times which I would want to return to and be happy. I love my independence. I love my job. I love being able to make money. If anything, having a schedule has forced me to appreciate more fully my time spent with my friends. Which, I feel, has made deeper connections with them. Less quantity of high quality > more quantity of less quality.
It will be alright as long as I remain aware and able to enjoy moments of absolute stillness. Today I drove up to the closed avalanche gates at Gardsman’s Pass up Big Cottonwood Canyon. Once up there I looked through some recently developed photos, drank a Slurpee, ate some beef jerky, and was completely unproductive for several hours. After this I drove down to Silver Lake and walked around it before the snow halted my progress. I sat down on a rock; enjoyed the scenery and sun; and threw pebbles into the lake. It was an absolutely delightful time. I have no fear that my “inner child will die” as long as I am able to enjoy such times.
I choose to end this post with lyrics which counterpoint the somewhat grim lyrics with which it began. This is an excerpt from a song titled Live Today by the Five Point Plan:
it's all about finding what we're here to do
live for your love, and to yourself be true
'cause one of these days it'll all go away
and there's only one thing you've gotta do:
live today.