A Guide
A post by Meg inspired me to write this, and if it gets too sappy for you, well-- that's fine. You can stop reading this entry right now and do something more productive. This is the internet, after all.
In my little world, it seems like everyone's getting engaged this week. It started with two close friends from high school who declared their engagements. This was fine, and I handled it peachy. But then Clark done gone and popped the question to Lana on Smallville. What is it about the month of January?
Anyways, I've been doing a lot of thinking. An article in our campus newspaper satirically advocated "monogamy" (and I use that term loosely on a college campus) for the months of January - May. The reason? Because the pickin's get slimmer in the cold, when the bar scene is too iced-over to drag yourself to on a frozen Saturday night.
I'm single, though. And I'm still, well... I'm still... I don't know. Working it all out. Anyways. Like Meg, I decided to write to a future ______ (fill in the correct label here). While hers was for a future husband, my entry is a little more broad, custom-made for anyone wondering about this elusive blogger named Troy.
The result is the following list. 21 things, like blackjack, or that Alanis Morissette song. As with most of my entries, it's sappy, cynical, and entirely true:
A Guide For Anyone Crazy Enough to Date Me by Troy Hoshor
1. I will shrivel up and die without the internet. Geek, nerd, or dork-- these terms unfortunately all apply to me. You can Google my name, if you wish, and witness my time stamp all over the internet. For better or worse, computers will always be involved with my life, and there is little you can do about this. I learned to read watching my Dad play King's Quest IV: Perils of Rosella on DOS and it was all downhill from there.
2. I will inevitably associate music with you.
3. I am a romantic and a Romantic. I will say lines you swore you read in a pulp romance novel-- and they will be completely original, straight from my head. I will also be the first to point out that our fourth date was inspired by the lobster scene in Annie Hall, or that I deliberately chose to walk over the icy sidewalk because it reminded me of While You Were Sleeping.
4. If you write well. If you speak well. If you know what alliteration, assonance, rhetoric, or transitive verbs are. If "facetiously" is one of your favorite words because it incorporates every vowel in alphabetical order. If you even have a favorite word. If dialogue is sexy to you. If you can write, sing, act, dance, or rhyme. If you can do any of these things, you already have my heart.
5. I am 6'2". I don't have any issues with height. But if you do, well, get over it.
6. I am, for the most part, areligious. If you really would like to know, the closest fit for me would probably be an "agnostic theist." I believe in something but also believe that whatever is out there, it is pretty much unknowable. I'm also a pluralist. Everyone has the right route to salvation. If drinking cow's blood every day will get you into Heaven, that's great! I'll help you find some. If salvation is an alternate reality where everyone has cupcakes for heads, I hope I'll see you there, and that I'm Blueberry.
7. I keep a list of names on my computer. One for boys and one for girls. They are names I like. It's a simple as that. I will incorrigibly deny to you that they are for children.
8. Occasionally, I AM SUCH A GIRL.
9. My family is extremely small and exceptionally weird. They will love you.
10. I have never (not one time in my entire life) spent quality time with "the shorter set." I don't know what this means about me, but I just thought you should know.
11. If you plan on cheating on me, have the dignity to tell me before it happens. You will get bonus points if you do it in person.
12. I'm an idealist, and I have faith in people I care about. I believe people can change. This includes you.
13. I'm not gorgeous. I know I need more exercise. I have issues. And, as much as a red-blooded male I am, I won't sleep with you unless I trust you. Even if you're smoking hot. Especially if you're smoking hot.
14. If you're older than me, it's up to you to decide if I'm 'mature enough' for you. I won't lie to you; I'm a college student with a limited financial future, and if you're looking for a guy to pay for expensive dinners or wear ties all the time, think again.
15. I am gullible, naive, and hopeful. I will believe you. I will trust you. But if you use this part of my personality to lie to me or hurt me, goodbye.
16. I love musicals, sad songs, acoustic guitar, songs with female vocalists, ballads, piano, jazz standards, 80's music, and a capella music.
17. I promise you I will try anything once. However, I may resist the first time you ask, but if you persist, I will inevitably cave. Former examples of this happening for the better: spinach, country music, and Veronica Mars. Examples of this happening for the worse: ketchup, thai food, and Desperate Housewives.
18. I have not gone on many dates. If you ask me to plan one, the result will either be incredibly original or incredibly cliche. You may love me for it, or you may wish you'd spent the evening at home. I admit it's a lottery, and I apologize in advance.
19. I don't care what race you are. I don't care if you want fifty kids, or none at all. I don't care if you're a Baptist, a Buddhist, or even if you're a Satan worshiper (as long as you haven't broken any laws lately). But if you care-- you better damn well be honest with me, because inevitably, it will matter. Sooner is always better than later.
21. The greatest gift you could give would be to be honest with me.
In my little world, it seems like everyone's getting engaged this week. It started with two close friends from high school who declared their engagements. This was fine, and I handled it peachy. But then Clark done gone and popped the question to Lana on Smallville. What is it about the month of January?
Anyways, I've been doing a lot of thinking. An article in our campus newspaper satirically advocated "monogamy" (and I use that term loosely on a college campus) for the months of January - May. The reason? Because the pickin's get slimmer in the cold, when the bar scene is too iced-over to drag yourself to on a frozen Saturday night.
I'm single, though. And I'm still, well... I'm still... I don't know. Working it all out. Anyways. Like Meg, I decided to write to a future ______ (fill in the correct label here). While hers was for a future husband, my entry is a little more broad, custom-made for anyone wondering about this elusive blogger named Troy.
The result is the following list. 21 things, like blackjack, or that Alanis Morissette song. As with most of my entries, it's sappy, cynical, and entirely true:
A Guide For Anyone Crazy Enough to Date Me by Troy Hoshor
1. I will shrivel up and die without the internet. Geek, nerd, or dork-- these terms unfortunately all apply to me. You can Google my name, if you wish, and witness my time stamp all over the internet. For better or worse, computers will always be involved with my life, and there is little you can do about this. I learned to read watching my Dad play King's Quest IV: Perils of Rosella on DOS and it was all downhill from there.
2. I will inevitably associate music with you.
3. I am a romantic and a Romantic. I will say lines you swore you read in a pulp romance novel-- and they will be completely original, straight from my head. I will also be the first to point out that our fourth date was inspired by the lobster scene in Annie Hall, or that I deliberately chose to walk over the icy sidewalk because it reminded me of While You Were Sleeping.
4. If you write well. If you speak well. If you know what alliteration, assonance, rhetoric, or transitive verbs are. If "facetiously" is one of your favorite words because it incorporates every vowel in alphabetical order. If you even have a favorite word. If dialogue is sexy to you. If you can write, sing, act, dance, or rhyme. If you can do any of these things, you already have my heart.
5. I am 6'2". I don't have any issues with height. But if you do, well, get over it.
6. I am, for the most part, areligious. If you really would like to know, the closest fit for me would probably be an "agnostic theist." I believe in something but also believe that whatever is out there, it is pretty much unknowable. I'm also a pluralist. Everyone has the right route to salvation. If drinking cow's blood every day will get you into Heaven, that's great! I'll help you find some. If salvation is an alternate reality where everyone has cupcakes for heads, I hope I'll see you there, and that I'm Blueberry.
7. I keep a list of names on my computer. One for boys and one for girls. They are names I like. It's a simple as that. I will incorrigibly deny to you that they are for children.
8. Occasionally, I AM SUCH A GIRL.
9. My family is extremely small and exceptionally weird. They will love you.
10. I have never (not one time in my entire life) spent quality time with "the shorter set." I don't know what this means about me, but I just thought you should know.
11. If you plan on cheating on me, have the dignity to tell me before it happens. You will get bonus points if you do it in person.
12. I'm an idealist, and I have faith in people I care about. I believe people can change. This includes you.
13. I'm not gorgeous. I know I need more exercise. I have issues. And, as much as a red-blooded male I am, I won't sleep with you unless I trust you. Even if you're smoking hot. Especially if you're smoking hot.
14. If you're older than me, it's up to you to decide if I'm 'mature enough' for you. I won't lie to you; I'm a college student with a limited financial future, and if you're looking for a guy to pay for expensive dinners or wear ties all the time, think again.
15. I am gullible, naive, and hopeful. I will believe you. I will trust you. But if you use this part of my personality to lie to me or hurt me, goodbye.
16. I love musicals, sad songs, acoustic guitar, songs with female vocalists, ballads, piano, jazz standards, 80's music, and a capella music.
17. I promise you I will try anything once. However, I may resist the first time you ask, but if you persist, I will inevitably cave. Former examples of this happening for the better: spinach, country music, and Veronica Mars. Examples of this happening for the worse: ketchup, thai food, and Desperate Housewives.
18. I have not gone on many dates. If you ask me to plan one, the result will either be incredibly original or incredibly cliche. You may love me for it, or you may wish you'd spent the evening at home. I admit it's a lottery, and I apologize in advance.
19. I don't care what race you are. I don't care if you want fifty kids, or none at all. I don't care if you're a Baptist, a Buddhist, or even if you're a Satan worshiper (as long as you haven't broken any laws lately). But if you care-- you better damn well be honest with me, because inevitably, it will matter. Sooner is always better than later.
21. The greatest gift you could give would be to be honest with me.