(no subject)
Well as the night turns to morning, I still have not studied for my fucking midterm...tomorrow...yeah.... of course being me...I couldnt fucking care less...I found my old poems in an old journal...I decided to post one of them here because Im not sure I can find it again on that website amongst all of my other useless entries. My original plan was to paste this poem behind and LJ cut but now that I think about it Im not going to...If you dont like what you are reading, get the fuck out of my journal no one is forcing you to read it...also if someone rude reads this by mistake when accidently wondering into my Livejournal, I dont need anyone telling me im sick or anything, such things do little good in this world. I guess im kind of wondering if maybe I should not post this so i stall by typing stupid things but this is MY journal so I wont edit myself anyway...here it is...I dont know if I have ever really given it a name or anything. it was just something i wrote to feel "better" writing is a remarkable release...
Saturday, November 2, 2002, 12:00 AM
As I walked down the hall I could never have dreamed
That in the next few moments my life, would be ripped apart at the seams.
As I sat on the floor by my locker I watched him search for his keys
But I knew something was wrong when he stared and didn't leave
He gave me this cold and horrifying look that was when I knew
That I was in deep shit but there was little I could do
I acted calm and walked towards the door
Its never that easy ... he pulled me into a janitors closet down to the floor
And as he ripped my shirt off and threw it to the ground
I kicked and screamed with no help to be found
As his hands ran down my chest I had never felt so low
He said I should never have left him...he said was no one would know.
As he held my hands so tightly above my head
I begged him to stop, but no tears were shed
He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled mine harshly off
I remember...I tried to scream...but it sounded like a cough
As I closed my eyes from the terror in my unbelievable confusion
I kept telling myself that it wasn't happening, it was only a delusion
He bit into my skin...the pain felt like hell
And his voice shrieks inside my head...but there's no sound when I yell
As his hands bruise me from my chest to down below
I find his eyes and stare into them...hell calls me a stupid ho
The pain becomes harder to endure finally I cry
Just for my face to be covered by his football jacket...I just wanted to die
As he enters it rips my body to shreds
His hips crush against me he didn't care that I bled.
I tighten my legs in attempt to make him halt
And it just caused the pain to go deeper I guess that's my fault.
He removed the jacket, I got to look again into his eyes
The Mark I had always known...so cold and filled with lies
And as he goes faster and it hurts even more
But I will NOT stop fighting he calls me a whore
My nails dig into his skin as we fight
He just hits me again but Im used to that...used to happen every night
And as this continues my body shakes in fear
I feel my eyes get wet as they fill being to fill with tears
His body becomes tense and he is still inside of me
I feel so dirty and helpless, how could this be...
And as he lies there I sob with vulnerability and weakness
I can barely see anything except for the darkness.
And my blood drips down my naked legs he laughs at me and stands
He turns to me, asks what's wrong and touches with his strong hands
And my tears once more fall solemnly as he smiles
He slides his clothes on like the snake he is and watches me awhile
He stands watches me shake on this dirty floor crying for so long
He talks about our relationship in the past...he acts like nothings wrong
I am told to get dressed and as I shiver on the floor
He says he'll see me soon and walks out the door...
I am shaky as I slide on my ripped clothing and rise to my feet
Seeing my blood on the floor...I know I am beat
Of course I act as though nothing is wrong...put on my best fucking smile ever
I am still in disbelief at how my body and life has been severed.
That night I stared at my beaten body in a mirror and realized how I felt
And as I sank on my knees in the shower crying my body just seemed to melt.
The bruises so black and my body ached with such agonizing pain
And I finally realized what had happened, My soul cowers in shame.
The shame remains here now..as I sit in silence and write
I didnt tell anyone for so long... I guess that wasn't bright.
The most precious thing taken from me one day out of the blue
And my virginity raped from me, no more purity or truth