(no subject)
so lately i've realized some things...and none of them are good. this is going to sound like a poor laura rant or a look at my lonely life schpeal but honestly these 'lonely feelings, deep inside' keep haunting me
i have no friends
they all live in rockford. they still have each other. they're having fun without me. they've all forgotten about me. no one calls and no one seems to answer when i call them. i know they have busy lifes and whatnot but i just feel so forgotten and cast aside like all the memories and frienships really meant nothing. i miss them. i miss being part of the action. i miss being part of 'the gang'. i have no gang or group here. i have no one here and i've tried to make new friends but i dont have the resources to. i met chloe and shes wonderful but she has her own life long friends and is busy with them. i feel pathetic. i've always been so outgoing and friends a plenty and in new surroundings i was the first to make new friends and now i sit at home and be lonely.
i feel like a failure
i've done nothing for myself. nothing that i set out to do, granted i've only been here 4 months but i work at a horrible job and have no friends. i haven't saved any money really and things just aren't looking up. in my mind i had such a wonderful life planned out here in vegas and i talked it up and made sure everyone knew i was going somewhere. now i look and i can't imagine what most are saying and how ridiculous they think i am.
things with me and steve are tense
not 'we're breaking up tense' but they are tense and i'm so embarrassed to say that. i dont want anyone to know that we have our problems. i've done what most would consider reckless and i wanted to prove to them that i can do it- that we could do it. we should've never moved so fast or done what we have. we made our bed and now we must lay in it but we don't ever want to. we both expect two different things from each other. i still want that chick flick clique romance but i am realistic about it but its just not who steve is. i would never change him because i love him for him. we argue about stupid things like an old married couple. things just get tense very quickly. but in at the end of the night we love each other so much and just being embraced by each other melts away all the day's problems. things just aren't we expected and its rough.
almost everyday i want to seriously come home
i have even booked a one way flight back home and then stopped right before i hit the confirm button after giving my credit card number. but i'll never go home. im embarrassed to come home honestly. i know everyone will tell me how its okay to come home and they wont think any less of me but i can't do it. i have too much damn pride. things could get to the worst of worst and i wouldn't come home because of my god damn pride and embarrassment. and i think that people would think things of me, that i couldn't make it on my own, that i'm all talk and really aren't going anywhere but to be a full time worker at the riverside wal-mart. and maybe they wont think that of me but i will think it for them.
i want to go back to senior year. i want to go back before i had to become an adult. i want so much for myself and my life and i sometimes doubt any of it will happen. right now i feel like i dont belong anywhere and that the life i'm living isnt what im meant to do. i want to create my own island where i can be president and bring all my friends and have steve there to love me.
i have no friends
they all live in rockford. they still have each other. they're having fun without me. they've all forgotten about me. no one calls and no one seems to answer when i call them. i know they have busy lifes and whatnot but i just feel so forgotten and cast aside like all the memories and frienships really meant nothing. i miss them. i miss being part of the action. i miss being part of 'the gang'. i have no gang or group here. i have no one here and i've tried to make new friends but i dont have the resources to. i met chloe and shes wonderful but she has her own life long friends and is busy with them. i feel pathetic. i've always been so outgoing and friends a plenty and in new surroundings i was the first to make new friends and now i sit at home and be lonely.
i feel like a failure
i've done nothing for myself. nothing that i set out to do, granted i've only been here 4 months but i work at a horrible job and have no friends. i haven't saved any money really and things just aren't looking up. in my mind i had such a wonderful life planned out here in vegas and i talked it up and made sure everyone knew i was going somewhere. now i look and i can't imagine what most are saying and how ridiculous they think i am.
things with me and steve are tense
not 'we're breaking up tense' but they are tense and i'm so embarrassed to say that. i dont want anyone to know that we have our problems. i've done what most would consider reckless and i wanted to prove to them that i can do it- that we could do it. we should've never moved so fast or done what we have. we made our bed and now we must lay in it but we don't ever want to. we both expect two different things from each other. i still want that chick flick clique romance but i am realistic about it but its just not who steve is. i would never change him because i love him for him. we argue about stupid things like an old married couple. things just get tense very quickly. but in at the end of the night we love each other so much and just being embraced by each other melts away all the day's problems. things just aren't we expected and its rough.
almost everyday i want to seriously come home
i have even booked a one way flight back home and then stopped right before i hit the confirm button after giving my credit card number. but i'll never go home. im embarrassed to come home honestly. i know everyone will tell me how its okay to come home and they wont think any less of me but i can't do it. i have too much damn pride. things could get to the worst of worst and i wouldn't come home because of my god damn pride and embarrassment. and i think that people would think things of me, that i couldn't make it on my own, that i'm all talk and really aren't going anywhere but to be a full time worker at the riverside wal-mart. and maybe they wont think that of me but i will think it for them.
i want to go back to senior year. i want to go back before i had to become an adult. i want so much for myself and my life and i sometimes doubt any of it will happen. right now i feel like i dont belong anywhere and that the life i'm living isnt what im meant to do. i want to create my own island where i can be president and bring all my friends and have steve there to love me.