Everything
I still can't believe that's it so over and done with. I don't even know where to begin but I have to get this out of me.
2 Thursdays ago (whatever date that is), I went out with some friends to the bar. Caleb had to work really early so he didn't come. My friend Michael dropped me off around 2:15ish at the apartment. Mind you Caleb had an issue with Michael because Michael really liked me but anyways. So I go upstairs and wake up to let him know I was home and that I would be in the living room eating my cheese fries from Jack in the Box. Well we're talking and everything is fine until my phone beeps with a text message and it's from Michael saying how he had a really great night and he made it home okay and that loved me and that he would talk to me tomorrow. Caleb lost his Goddamn mind at this point. I knew what Michael meant when he said I love you, he meant it as a friend but Caleb wouldn't calm down long enough to believe me. So screaming and yelling and him punching walls for the next twenty minutes ensued. It was absolutely terrible. We had never fought like this before. He knew we had not done anything behind his back but he was feeling threatened and jealous by our friendship. So we kept fighting and got to the point where I was hiding in the bathroom because he was so irate that I thought he might hit me. Keep in my mind i'm drunk as sin, trying to keep a straight head during all of this but finally, I snapped and started yelling as well. All I could think was how could I be with someone who could lose his temper like this and throw things and hit walls so I screamed at him I couldn't do this anymore and thought we should take a break or something. Well he lost his mind even more and told me to gather my things and get the fuck out of HIS house. This absolutely crushed me beyond belief. I was being told to leave my home at 3:30am. I got half way down the stairs with my purse and he told me to come back up so I came back up and we argued some more and then it got even worse and he actually called me a fucking cunt. I don't know about anyone else but I do NOT tolerate this behavior. So I went right back out the door and left.
I called my friend Chris from the laundry room and begged him to come get me and he did. I called everyone I knew before that but no one was answering and I saw him at the bar so thankfully he was still up. He came and picked me up and took me to his house. I cried and cried and cried. This was heartbreaking. I just got thrown out of my own house. He took me back to the apartment in the morning while Caleb was at work and I tried to sleep but I couldn't. It didn't feel right so I went to my parents house. I told my parents everything. They were upset. So Caleb and I decided not to see each other for the rest of the weekend so we could think about things and I ofcourse did what I always do and got ridiculously drunk and made out with Chris at a party. I didn't fucking care. I was miserable, heartbroken, and just hurt by all of it and felt lonely and he so happen to be available. Yeah that probably makes me a bad person and a bitch but i'm being honest. If a man would have done it, i'm sure it would be acceptable because that's just what "men" do isn't it? Yeah well fuck that.
So we finally talked on Sunday afternoon and it got even uglier. I told him we should probably just end it because I didn't even know who he was that night. Well he screamed some more and told me to get all of my shit. I finally calmed him down and suggested I should just sleep on the couch until I could find an apartment but this was not happening to him. He told me I would have to pay him rent to stay at the apartment with my name on the lease and knowingly, I owned EVERYTHING in that apartment, the furniture, the dishes, the microwave, the sheets on the bed, the fucking tv for crying out loud. Everything was literally mind except a bed, a coffee table and 2 towels and some food. So I left him with none of it. I even took the goddamn shower curtain down I bought and took the toothpaste back. So things got even worse at this point. His myspace was saying horrible things about me and how i'm an evil whore and blah blah (you know, guy talk when they're upset) but I finally lost it and broke down when I saw a heading on his myspace update that said "Caleb hopes she fucking kills herself". I called him at 9am and confronted him balling my eyes out. I screamed to him, say it to my face, say it motherfucker, say it! He wouldn't. He couldn't. He knows my past and to think he would say something like that after his own MOTHER committed suicide when he was 18. Broke my heart, still does to even think about. I almost killed myself that day. Some miracle of God (I guess) or something stopped me but i'm still here, alive and well. Ofcourse he was sorry and apologized but couldn't get over I messed around with Chris and how I hurt him by leaving. He threw ME out let's remember. I was very sorry for hurting him but this was it for me. This had gone too far. I don't think two people can recover from such a violent blow to their relationship or friendship for that matter. This makes me sick to think that we have come so far to watch it break down.
For the one time in my life, I was not completely wrong. I didn't even retaliate like I used to. I didn't say mean things about him to others, I didn't slander his name across the internet and I still won't because I still care for him. I still can't believe this is all happening. Chris likes me and I actually broke down the other night and told him about my past which I usually don't tell a lot of people about. You know that moment in Fight Club where Edward Norton just breaks down and cries on Bob's chest? That's the EXACT feeling I had when I did. I just fucking let go and yes, I did sleep like a baby that night. it's such a strange thing though, to go from living with someone to being single and back at your parents house. Starting over sucks but i'm trying to make it positive. But yes, Chris likes me and we're going out on a date tomorrow night, or well, I guess literally tonight or whatever. I like him and he's a great guy but i'm still hurting over everything. I can't just completely move on that fast. I want to and wish I could but this time it's different. I've actually cried over Caleb and sat up for many nights, tossing and turning on my couch because I couldn't sleep. Does this make me a bad person for going on a date anyways? How could I forgive someone for the horrible, demeaning things he said about me? How i'm nothing but a diseased whore who will always be alone and how disgusting I am and stuff but expects me to forgive him and come back home after the fact that i've finally gotten all of my things home. I don't believe someone can just go right back into a situation like that. I yearn for my home though. I yearn for company. Chris gives me attention but it's just in text messages. Nothing ridiculous. I'm not about to be in love and i'm not about to start another relationship but maybe this will be nice. I don't know. I cry all the time about this though. I just want to sleep peacefully and not think about it anymore but it consumes me entirely.
2 Thursdays ago (whatever date that is), I went out with some friends to the bar. Caleb had to work really early so he didn't come. My friend Michael dropped me off around 2:15ish at the apartment. Mind you Caleb had an issue with Michael because Michael really liked me but anyways. So I go upstairs and wake up to let him know I was home and that I would be in the living room eating my cheese fries from Jack in the Box. Well we're talking and everything is fine until my phone beeps with a text message and it's from Michael saying how he had a really great night and he made it home okay and that loved me and that he would talk to me tomorrow. Caleb lost his Goddamn mind at this point. I knew what Michael meant when he said I love you, he meant it as a friend but Caleb wouldn't calm down long enough to believe me. So screaming and yelling and him punching walls for the next twenty minutes ensued. It was absolutely terrible. We had never fought like this before. He knew we had not done anything behind his back but he was feeling threatened and jealous by our friendship. So we kept fighting and got to the point where I was hiding in the bathroom because he was so irate that I thought he might hit me. Keep in my mind i'm drunk as sin, trying to keep a straight head during all of this but finally, I snapped and started yelling as well. All I could think was how could I be with someone who could lose his temper like this and throw things and hit walls so I screamed at him I couldn't do this anymore and thought we should take a break or something. Well he lost his mind even more and told me to gather my things and get the fuck out of HIS house. This absolutely crushed me beyond belief. I was being told to leave my home at 3:30am. I got half way down the stairs with my purse and he told me to come back up so I came back up and we argued some more and then it got even worse and he actually called me a fucking cunt. I don't know about anyone else but I do NOT tolerate this behavior. So I went right back out the door and left.
I called my friend Chris from the laundry room and begged him to come get me and he did. I called everyone I knew before that but no one was answering and I saw him at the bar so thankfully he was still up. He came and picked me up and took me to his house. I cried and cried and cried. This was heartbreaking. I just got thrown out of my own house. He took me back to the apartment in the morning while Caleb was at work and I tried to sleep but I couldn't. It didn't feel right so I went to my parents house. I told my parents everything. They were upset. So Caleb and I decided not to see each other for the rest of the weekend so we could think about things and I ofcourse did what I always do and got ridiculously drunk and made out with Chris at a party. I didn't fucking care. I was miserable, heartbroken, and just hurt by all of it and felt lonely and he so happen to be available. Yeah that probably makes me a bad person and a bitch but i'm being honest. If a man would have done it, i'm sure it would be acceptable because that's just what "men" do isn't it? Yeah well fuck that.
So we finally talked on Sunday afternoon and it got even uglier. I told him we should probably just end it because I didn't even know who he was that night. Well he screamed some more and told me to get all of my shit. I finally calmed him down and suggested I should just sleep on the couch until I could find an apartment but this was not happening to him. He told me I would have to pay him rent to stay at the apartment with my name on the lease and knowingly, I owned EVERYTHING in that apartment, the furniture, the dishes, the microwave, the sheets on the bed, the fucking tv for crying out loud. Everything was literally mind except a bed, a coffee table and 2 towels and some food. So I left him with none of it. I even took the goddamn shower curtain down I bought and took the toothpaste back. So things got even worse at this point. His myspace was saying horrible things about me and how i'm an evil whore and blah blah (you know, guy talk when they're upset) but I finally lost it and broke down when I saw a heading on his myspace update that said "Caleb hopes she fucking kills herself". I called him at 9am and confronted him balling my eyes out. I screamed to him, say it to my face, say it motherfucker, say it! He wouldn't. He couldn't. He knows my past and to think he would say something like that after his own MOTHER committed suicide when he was 18. Broke my heart, still does to even think about. I almost killed myself that day. Some miracle of God (I guess) or something stopped me but i'm still here, alive and well. Ofcourse he was sorry and apologized but couldn't get over I messed around with Chris and how I hurt him by leaving. He threw ME out let's remember. I was very sorry for hurting him but this was it for me. This had gone too far. I don't think two people can recover from such a violent blow to their relationship or friendship for that matter. This makes me sick to think that we have come so far to watch it break down.
For the one time in my life, I was not completely wrong. I didn't even retaliate like I used to. I didn't say mean things about him to others, I didn't slander his name across the internet and I still won't because I still care for him. I still can't believe this is all happening. Chris likes me and I actually broke down the other night and told him about my past which I usually don't tell a lot of people about. You know that moment in Fight Club where Edward Norton just breaks down and cries on Bob's chest? That's the EXACT feeling I had when I did. I just fucking let go and yes, I did sleep like a baby that night. it's such a strange thing though, to go from living with someone to being single and back at your parents house. Starting over sucks but i'm trying to make it positive. But yes, Chris likes me and we're going out on a date tomorrow night, or well, I guess literally tonight or whatever. I like him and he's a great guy but i'm still hurting over everything. I can't just completely move on that fast. I want to and wish I could but this time it's different. I've actually cried over Caleb and sat up for many nights, tossing and turning on my couch because I couldn't sleep. Does this make me a bad person for going on a date anyways? How could I forgive someone for the horrible, demeaning things he said about me? How i'm nothing but a diseased whore who will always be alone and how disgusting I am and stuff but expects me to forgive him and come back home after the fact that i've finally gotten all of my things home. I don't believe someone can just go right back into a situation like that. I yearn for my home though. I yearn for company. Chris gives me attention but it's just in text messages. Nothing ridiculous. I'm not about to be in love and i'm not about to start another relationship but maybe this will be nice. I don't know. I cry all the time about this though. I just want to sleep peacefully and not think about it anymore but it consumes me entirely.