Problems with my head
Okay folks. My loved one's have told me many times that I don't talk about the very serious stuff. While it is true that I have bitched and whined about my insomnia, weird emotional stuff, and the like, my friends want to be there when they can. Before this past year, I haven't really asked for support very much. And so, if there is anything that I've learned throughout all of this. I should open up and talk about the serious problems when they occur. For some reason, I'm feeling a bit weird about talking in person about this one in any great length. And I'm not sure why. Maybe it's concern about looking foolish if it turns out to be nothing serious. Or maybe, by talking about it, I will have to admit that something serious may be occurring. Or maybe, I'm hoping that it may just go away.
It's not like the symptoms have been anything major on their own. But they keep adding up. Okay, I've always had insomnia. But as of late, it has escalated so much within the past few months. I've had bouts all my life where I'll be up for a few days. But then it's follewed with periods of time with normal sleep. That isn't happening anymore. The insomnia has become a daily struggle. I mean, I'll be so tired and then nothing works, I just can't sleep.
Next has been the odd gasoline smell that I was dealing with not too long ago. It didn't matter where I was, I would just all of a sudden smell gasoline. One time in the shower I even tasted it. It lasted for a week but then it went away.
Cut to last Thursday at Disneyland. It was Christy's birthday and I had a free pass. So, I went along. The day was an absolute blast. But then dinner came. We were eating and laughing, having a great time. WHen all of a sudden, I was lost. I couldn't remember what had happened the last few minutes. It was so very strange, like I wasn't there. I could see out of my eyes, hear the sound, taste the food. But it felt like...sort of not existing. This wasn't like the shaman stuff where I'm between two worlds. My memory was blank for a second and I felt very confused. And when I realized all of this, I started to panic. I couldn;t grasp what was going on at the moment, completely disconnected. I felt so far away, as if in a fog. So I used some of the relaxation techniques that I know to calm down. Someone asked me if I was okay at one point and instantly I said I was fine. But even now, I'm not sure who it was that was doing the asking. And then the rest of the evening commenced with more great times and hilarity. But it stayed in the back of my mind.
And then tonight, I was working a fill in shift at the bar. At the beginning of the shift, the same thing sort of happened again but not as severe as last Thursday. I sort of shrugged it off but there was some fear there. And then at the end of the night...damn that was scary. All of my tips were well balanced, my drawer was perfect, and all of the money made sense. But then things got very strange. I paid the DJ, no problem, I payed the doorman, no problem. but then I saw an extra 50 laying on the desk. And then all of a sudden, I couldn't remember if I had payed the doorman. So I asked him and he said I had. And then I asked the DJ and he said that I had paid him as well. And so I went back and recounted the money...and it was all wrong, the bank, the reserve, and my drawer. Nobody entered the office. The door was locked and nobody but me has a key. It took me almost an hour of recounting and recounting. I couldn't figure out if a bundle of 25 ones was 50 or 15. And every time I counted them, they were wrong. One moment it would be 20, one moment 28, the next 19. It was so crazy. And seriously, this is very simple stuff. I know my tips are short somewhere around 20 something dollars. And after about 45 minutes of getting very scared, all of sudden everything matched...except for my tips.
Me and numbers are usually best friends. I mean, I am an A student. I've worked at a bank. I've handled money a great deal. Occasionally there have been problems..it happens to everyone. But nothing that 5 minutes of extra work has figured out. During busy nights at a bar my drawer has come up over or under...usually nothing more than a few bucks or so. But this was different. It's like someone was coming in and switching money on me. The bundle of 1's and 5's were paperclipped. But from one moment to the next everything changed.
My head isn't working right at times over the past month or so. Weird smells, severe insomnia, confusion, concrete things not making sense, feeling lost like I don't exist, and really bad headaches. Granted, one or two of these things and we I can chalk it up tp plain weirdness. It's not like I havenlt experienced weird stuff before. But all of these things overthe course of a few weeks or so? At this moment, typing it all out, I'm really quite scared. It's odd. Losing my life doesn't quite scare me so much. It will happen someday and I see it as a part of the natural progression of a life.
BUt the though of losing my mind? Oh folks...that is by far my worst fear ever. I've watched friends go insane right in front of me. Because of some things that happened to me when I was kid, I wrestled with my own bout of crazy. As my psychologist put it, "a mild case of Scizophrenia due to brainwashing". Look, it's a long story that some of you know and some of you don't. The point is, I've experienced what losing my mind feel like. I've never been so scared. And I don't ever want to experience that again.
So okay, I'm telling my friends. I can't afford a doctor right now so on coming home, I searched online and there is a free clinic in Fullerton. So I plan on making on appointment on Monday. Should I drive myself? What if I get confused while I'm driving? Am I making more out of this due to an irrational fear? What's going to happen to me? Yeah, I am scared...and I'm not even sure that I should be.
Send good vibes folks. That's all I can ask. Thanks.
It's not like the symptoms have been anything major on their own. But they keep adding up. Okay, I've always had insomnia. But as of late, it has escalated so much within the past few months. I've had bouts all my life where I'll be up for a few days. But then it's follewed with periods of time with normal sleep. That isn't happening anymore. The insomnia has become a daily struggle. I mean, I'll be so tired and then nothing works, I just can't sleep.
Next has been the odd gasoline smell that I was dealing with not too long ago. It didn't matter where I was, I would just all of a sudden smell gasoline. One time in the shower I even tasted it. It lasted for a week but then it went away.
Cut to last Thursday at Disneyland. It was Christy's birthday and I had a free pass. So, I went along. The day was an absolute blast. But then dinner came. We were eating and laughing, having a great time. WHen all of a sudden, I was lost. I couldn't remember what had happened the last few minutes. It was so very strange, like I wasn't there. I could see out of my eyes, hear the sound, taste the food. But it felt like...sort of not existing. This wasn't like the shaman stuff where I'm between two worlds. My memory was blank for a second and I felt very confused. And when I realized all of this, I started to panic. I couldn;t grasp what was going on at the moment, completely disconnected. I felt so far away, as if in a fog. So I used some of the relaxation techniques that I know to calm down. Someone asked me if I was okay at one point and instantly I said I was fine. But even now, I'm not sure who it was that was doing the asking. And then the rest of the evening commenced with more great times and hilarity. But it stayed in the back of my mind.
And then tonight, I was working a fill in shift at the bar. At the beginning of the shift, the same thing sort of happened again but not as severe as last Thursday. I sort of shrugged it off but there was some fear there. And then at the end of the night...damn that was scary. All of my tips were well balanced, my drawer was perfect, and all of the money made sense. But then things got very strange. I paid the DJ, no problem, I payed the doorman, no problem. but then I saw an extra 50 laying on the desk. And then all of a sudden, I couldn't remember if I had payed the doorman. So I asked him and he said I had. And then I asked the DJ and he said that I had paid him as well. And so I went back and recounted the money...and it was all wrong, the bank, the reserve, and my drawer. Nobody entered the office. The door was locked and nobody but me has a key. It took me almost an hour of recounting and recounting. I couldn't figure out if a bundle of 25 ones was 50 or 15. And every time I counted them, they were wrong. One moment it would be 20, one moment 28, the next 19. It was so crazy. And seriously, this is very simple stuff. I know my tips are short somewhere around 20 something dollars. And after about 45 minutes of getting very scared, all of sudden everything matched...except for my tips.
Me and numbers are usually best friends. I mean, I am an A student. I've worked at a bank. I've handled money a great deal. Occasionally there have been problems..it happens to everyone. But nothing that 5 minutes of extra work has figured out. During busy nights at a bar my drawer has come up over or under...usually nothing more than a few bucks or so. But this was different. It's like someone was coming in and switching money on me. The bundle of 1's and 5's were paperclipped. But from one moment to the next everything changed.
My head isn't working right at times over the past month or so. Weird smells, severe insomnia, confusion, concrete things not making sense, feeling lost like I don't exist, and really bad headaches. Granted, one or two of these things and we I can chalk it up tp plain weirdness. It's not like I havenlt experienced weird stuff before. But all of these things overthe course of a few weeks or so? At this moment, typing it all out, I'm really quite scared. It's odd. Losing my life doesn't quite scare me so much. It will happen someday and I see it as a part of the natural progression of a life.
BUt the though of losing my mind? Oh folks...that is by far my worst fear ever. I've watched friends go insane right in front of me. Because of some things that happened to me when I was kid, I wrestled with my own bout of crazy. As my psychologist put it, "a mild case of Scizophrenia due to brainwashing". Look, it's a long story that some of you know and some of you don't. The point is, I've experienced what losing my mind feel like. I've never been so scared. And I don't ever want to experience that again.
So okay, I'm telling my friends. I can't afford a doctor right now so on coming home, I searched online and there is a free clinic in Fullerton. So I plan on making on appointment on Monday. Should I drive myself? What if I get confused while I'm driving? Am I making more out of this due to an irrational fear? What's going to happen to me? Yeah, I am scared...and I'm not even sure that I should be.
Send good vibes folks. That's all I can ask. Thanks.