Movie Review: Crank
Now, I like me the Bad Action Movies. But there is a difference between a good BAM and a bad BAM.
Sadly, Crank is one of the latter.
DOA this is not, not even the Dennis Quaid remake. But again, see above reference to BAD Action Movies. All I ask is that the action is exciting, the protagonist is witty and likeable, and the secondary characters are interesting. Coherent plot is a big bonus, and simple, straightforward plot is a virtue.
So, where does Crank fall down?
Likability of the protagonist. Let me just get this out of the way right now. He does two things which make him detestable, and his other qualities don't make up for it:
1. When he tosses the cabbie out of the cab (to steal it), I could say, "Okay, typical action movie maneuver of a desperate character who has to be ruthless to survive." What I could not get on board with was him then yelling "Al Queda!" and pointing at the cabby, causing a lynching-riot.
2. When he needs to have sex (to keep his adrenaline up--more about this in a moment), raping his girlfriend is NOT cool. They do have the girlfriend "get into it" in short order, but that almost makes it worse ("Hey, just rape her! She'll like it!") Now, it is entirely possible that the girlfriend was supposed to be into it from the beginning, and was just playing a role in a rape-fantasy (there is a moment that suggests perhaps this is the case), but no...it's played too genuninely.
So right there you lost me. Crimes committed in the name of desperate ruthlessness when there are no other alternatives--I can accept those in a protagonist. Ones committed when better alternatives are available--those make me not like the protagonist, and in a Bad Action Movie, my liking the protagonist is very important.
Back to the adrenaline thing. That's the plot of this movie: Jason Statham's character has been poisoned, and the only way to delay the poison is to keep his heart racing like a speed freak. He needs to delay it long enough to find an antidote and get his revenge on the petty crimelord who poisoned him (played wonderfully by Jose Pablo Cantillo and his GINORMOUS NOSTRILS).
The end result is that Statham's improbably-named character, Chev Chelios, has to be racing at top speed around the city on a massive high for several hours.
I guess my biggest objection was the general feeling of "Why did they waste the beautiful Jason Statham in this movie?" Statham was so great in The Transporter because he plays "cool" perfectly. He spends some time being cool in this movie, but it always made me think, "Um, shouldn't he be keeling over about now?"
Also, there was no martial arts. NONE. Just shooting and running. And while that is fine in a action movie, Jason Statham is graceful and sexy when he is half-naked and coated in motor oil and doing roundhouses, okay? A few glimpses of his (or more likely a stuntman's) naked butt did not make up for the lack of whirling and kicking and karate-chopping.
Back to the sex-for-adrenaline thing: the girlfriend is at one point giving him a bj in the car to keep him excited, but she stops before he's finished. When he complains, she says, "And what--have you fall asleep like usual?" THANK YOU FOR BEING LOGICAL! However, this line would have amused me more if the girlfriend had displayed any brains whatsoever at any other point in the film. But she doesn't. She is dumb as a rock. No, that is an insult to rocks. She is dim. Vapid. STUPID. And I cannot for the life of me wonder why Chev gives a fart about her.
(Nor can I understand why Chev wants to leave the hit-man life for her. Sigh, sigh, sigh, that part of the plot was sooooo tacked on.)
So, what are the good points of this movie? Seriously, there are some (they just don't make up for the fatal flaws of Chev being unlikeable and his girlfriend being a moron).
1. The style of the film. Normally I hatehatehate the MTV style of quick cuts and funny angles and weird effects to the film, and this movie did it for 87 solid minutes. And I LOVED it. I did not get motion sick or confused or cross-eyed. Wow, what a difference doing it "right" makes. It was very effective in this film, and contributed materially to any moments of enjoyment I had from it.
2. The villain. Jose Pablo Cantillo's character Verona is a simple thug, but JPC played him perfectly and he amused me. His frustration and/or gloating was just the right level of scenery-chewing.
3. The great moment of realistic logic: Chev's action do not go unnoticed. The police are background, but they are looking for him, and several times we overhear or see in the background news reports of the police tracking down the madman who has been on a crazy criminal spree all day. The collateral damage has consequences.
4. The ending. I'm gonna give it away: Chev dies. He dies by falling out of a helicopter (taking Verona with him). I do wish they had ended the film without showing it, but OTOH they show it rather tastefully and interestingly, so that was okay. But I like that they kill him rather than the more predictable he-and-moronic-girlfriend-live-happily-ever-after.
5. The straightforward plot. There is no confusion about what's going on, though there are a few spots when time is edited out and the disjoint is a little annoying. The major plot flaw (the tacked-on "I don't wanna be a hit man no more" subplot) at least doesn't disrupt the main plot.
And that's it. So, in summary:
1. Don't bother.
2. Someone get Jason Statham a better agent so he can be in better movies and not waste all that yumminess and charisma.