Dammit, Jim, I'm a middle-aged woman, not a teenager!
Dear Endocrine System,
What the hell is wrong with you? Really, do you exist solely for the purpose of tormenting me?
Thirty years ago you brought my metabolism to a crashing halt, dooming me to a life as either a fat person or a treat-deprived one. A couple of years after that you did me the favor of making me a typical teenage girl, with a blessedly regular and predictable menstrual cycle, BUT also an equally predictable pattern of acne.
Then, twenty-two years ago, you went completely off the rails vis-a-vis the menstrual cycle. Once a month, once a year...it was all the same to you. Don't try to blame it on anyone else--a cadre of doctors agreed there wasn't a gorram thing wrong with me except you were all confused as to what time it was.
Don't get me wrong; that didn't bother me overmuch. I wasn't trying to have kids, and I rather liked the long gaps between rounds of physical discomfort and temporary facial disfigurement. The unpredictability was a little inconvenient--was there any particular reason you liked to start my period a day or two before any scheduled gyno appointment? (I mean honestly, the appointment was once a year, you arranged for my period to be four times per year at most, and somehow...you managed to synch up almost every time.) But overall, the benefits far outweighed any worries or inconveniences.
But now, dear endocrine system, you are really starting to piss me off.
Now, suddenly, at an age when I should be worrying if maybe this isn't my "usual" wacky pattern but rather early-onset menopause, you choose to alleviate that particular concern by suddenly making me regular again. Complete with acne! Instead of having a little pimple-fit a couple times a year, I've now had acne that leaps up every five weeks for seven straight months! The old round is barely healed when a new one begins!
If you're going to give me back my 16-year-old biological patterns, the least you could do is give me back my 16-year-old body. You know, the one that was 100 lbs lighter, with all the joints working properly, and which could stay away at full-bore-go-go-GO energy levels for three days straight.
But noooo, now I get all the annoyances and none of the benefits. Thanks a lot. You've been a complete disappointment to me for the past thirty years.