A shifty topic... Boys, Friends, and Fear.
I´ve come to this ´update journal´ page 4 times now with the intention of writing about something inparticular. It´s the one subject I always end up just keeping to myself. Mainly because I don´t usually have much to say, but it also ends up being slightly awkward since anyone I would talk to or would most likely read this would be slightly involved.
Anyways, I didn´t realize how much all of my guy-friends make up this all encompassing boyfriend for me. Now, I don´t want any of you to get freaked out. I´m not saying that there is any sort of obligation held there or that there is anything physical along with that, but it´s horribly obvious when I look at it from a 3rd-person perspective. It is the explanation for my lack of relationships even though possiblities have presented themselves, and the explanation for why I have been so different here (without all of you) when I meet a new boy. ...OK so not so much that you all make up a bf, but it´s something different. Something so much better that it almost makes the need for a boyfriend obsolete. The only boys that have stayed around for any period of time were so far away that they were never really in the middle of it. Boys in the past get jealous of the relationships that I have with all of you. I remember a couple long conversations about me being too close to Nick Bender, or Greg, or Luke... and in the end why would I ever give up my best friends for an insecure boy?
Greg and I had a conversation about how it´s like I have a bunch of older brothers, and getting all of their approval will be impossible. Jokingly, he said that in the end I´ll just have to pick one of them (in a non-incestual way of course) :) Either way, all of you have been like a security blanket. I have always relied on you to keep me safe in sketchy situations, you´re always the 1st people that I choose to spend time with. I have cried, yelled, laughed, and almost every good memory I have involves all of you. But now I´m leaving, and none of you are coming with. It is one of the most desperate feelings I have ever had. Who will shoo away the boys with bad intentions? Who will put up with my childish-ness? Who will go exploring with me in the middle of the night without hesitation? Who will I have to laugh with over nothing? or know me well enough that I dont have to re-tell the life story that I hate to speak?
I feel like a 3rd grader that is transferring schools and had to make new friends. You would think that you get more resilient, more open to the idea of new people, but in reality you get more comfortable with what you have. I think this is mis-leading because even though I am scared, I am still excited. I think it is a very good thing that I am leaving Boise, but I hate the little empty feeling inside that reminds me I can´t see you whenever I want.
A good description of how I feel:
Fear is life´s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary. It has no decency, respects no convention or law, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised as mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy.
I´m sure that some of this will be taken the wrong way, but I needed someone to talk to, so I talked to everyone!!
Anyways, I didn´t realize how much all of my guy-friends make up this all encompassing boyfriend for me. Now, I don´t want any of you to get freaked out. I´m not saying that there is any sort of obligation held there or that there is anything physical along with that, but it´s horribly obvious when I look at it from a 3rd-person perspective. It is the explanation for my lack of relationships even though possiblities have presented themselves, and the explanation for why I have been so different here (without all of you) when I meet a new boy. ...OK so not so much that you all make up a bf, but it´s something different. Something so much better that it almost makes the need for a boyfriend obsolete. The only boys that have stayed around for any period of time were so far away that they were never really in the middle of it. Boys in the past get jealous of the relationships that I have with all of you. I remember a couple long conversations about me being too close to Nick Bender, or Greg, or Luke... and in the end why would I ever give up my best friends for an insecure boy?
Greg and I had a conversation about how it´s like I have a bunch of older brothers, and getting all of their approval will be impossible. Jokingly, he said that in the end I´ll just have to pick one of them (in a non-incestual way of course) :) Either way, all of you have been like a security blanket. I have always relied on you to keep me safe in sketchy situations, you´re always the 1st people that I choose to spend time with. I have cried, yelled, laughed, and almost every good memory I have involves all of you. But now I´m leaving, and none of you are coming with. It is one of the most desperate feelings I have ever had. Who will shoo away the boys with bad intentions? Who will put up with my childish-ness? Who will go exploring with me in the middle of the night without hesitation? Who will I have to laugh with over nothing? or know me well enough that I dont have to re-tell the life story that I hate to speak?
I feel like a 3rd grader that is transferring schools and had to make new friends. You would think that you get more resilient, more open to the idea of new people, but in reality you get more comfortable with what you have. I think this is mis-leading because even though I am scared, I am still excited. I think it is a very good thing that I am leaving Boise, but I hate the little empty feeling inside that reminds me I can´t see you whenever I want.
A good description of how I feel:
Fear is life´s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary. It has no decency, respects no convention or law, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised as mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy.
I´m sure that some of this will be taken the wrong way, but I needed someone to talk to, so I talked to everyone!!