A Very Personal Post
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when the fandom was just beginning. I really liked my life back then and quite frankly I liked who I was then. It was such a happy time, those few short years ago. Now - not so much. I keep trying to figure out when I became this person... the person that seems to hurt people and the person who seems to disappoint people. The person that inspires sarcasm and disdain from those around her.
I cry everyday and wonder if I'm truly loved by anyone but my parents. Am I even worth loving anymore? I try to put on a happy face - but I feel like the song "Tears Of A Clown" is my own personal anthem.
I am struggling at my new job at work - quite frankly I suck at it and my management, who did not want me from the start, are probably not surprised.
Spending so much time glued to this bloody computer hanging on every word written about Luke and Noah and Van and Jake has taken on toll on my most important relationship. I guess I did not really see what was happening right in front of my own eyes.
Remember when Noah told Luke that he wanted 5 minutes before the accident back cause it was the happiest time of his life? I wish I could have some of the last 3 years back. The parts of those 3 years where I was not a good friend, not a good partner and not a good daughter. I'd never give up the experiences I've had or the people I've met or the boys themselves for that matter. I'd just like to have the chance to do it better.
I want to learn again to be brave, present and I want to get my "sparkle" back. Someone I really respect told me once I lost it...maybe it's still out there for me. I really just want to be someone that people want in their life. Because in the end I really am just the chubby little girl needing and wanting people to love her.
I cry everyday and wonder if I'm truly loved by anyone but my parents. Am I even worth loving anymore? I try to put on a happy face - but I feel like the song "Tears Of A Clown" is my own personal anthem.
I am struggling at my new job at work - quite frankly I suck at it and my management, who did not want me from the start, are probably not surprised.
Spending so much time glued to this bloody computer hanging on every word written about Luke and Noah and Van and Jake has taken on toll on my most important relationship. I guess I did not really see what was happening right in front of my own eyes.
Remember when Noah told Luke that he wanted 5 minutes before the accident back cause it was the happiest time of his life? I wish I could have some of the last 3 years back. The parts of those 3 years where I was not a good friend, not a good partner and not a good daughter. I'd never give up the experiences I've had or the people I've met or the boys themselves for that matter. I'd just like to have the chance to do it better.
I want to learn again to be brave, present and I want to get my "sparkle" back. Someone I really respect told me once I lost it...maybe it's still out there for me. I really just want to be someone that people want in their life. Because in the end I really am just the chubby little girl needing and wanting people to love her.