part 2
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:21 PM): and if we happen to invent something, cool
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:26 PM): but i mean really
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:31 PM): when we die, thats it
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:41 PM): we are a small person amongst 6 billion
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:53 PM): we really don't make much of a difference
Alanwaitwhat (10:08:22 PM): doesn't it fascinate that we can think!? I dn't get how that is not a big deal, animals just sleep, eat, procreate and die, everything that is in front of them at that very second is their life; WE can chose to do things, to get in planes, to create, to ride cards, to buy things, we empower ourselves to do better everyday, and other don't
OneWshfulthnker (10:08:40 PM): but in the end
OneWshfulthnker (10:08:42 PM): it doesn't matter
Alanwaitwhat (10:08:46 PM): it is a HUGE thing, we're not only animals but we posses self awareness, something animals never will be able to do
OneWshfulthnker (10:08:47 PM): it just doesnt
OneWshfulthnker (10:09:04 PM): and who is to say none of this is real?
Alanwaitwhat (10:09:09 PM): what do you mean in the end doesn't matter? don't you want to pass those things onto others?
Alanwaitwhat (10:09:24 PM): don't you want to influence or leave something for the world to remember you as?
OneWshfulthnker (10:09:35 PM): that everyone exist on different levels of conscience and we just happen to coincide with one another
OneWshfulthnker (10:09:46 PM): the world will not remember me in 100 years
Alanwaitwhat (10:10:24 PM): then if none of this exists, then how can you feel and go through so many experiences?
OneWshfulthnker (10:10:43 PM): maybe it exists to me
OneWshfulthnker (10:10:53 PM): and its completely different with you
Alanwaitwhat (10:10:54 PM): and if the world won't remember you, at least you did your best to leave your mark and i'm sure that someone will remember me
OneWshfulthnker (10:10:57 PM): I DON'T KNOW
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:00 PM): i question everything
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:01 PM): and i refused to be forgotten
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:05 PM): well
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:06 PM): see
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:10 PM): i know iw will be forgotton
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:19 PM): i respect that
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:20 PM): it just a simple person
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:47 PM): i'm*
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:48 PM): you're a beautiful woman fighting for your country
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:53 PM): don't ever say you're just a simple person
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:00 PM): we all value what you're doing
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:10 PM): and i admire you for what you're going through
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:18 PM): so does everyone in VA
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:23 PM): but i also so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much going on in this world
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:24 PM): my family that is now yours
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:32 PM): things you wouldn't even dream of
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:42 PM): and i believe if there was a god
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:48 PM): none of this would happen
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:57 PM): just like i wouldn't question my marriage
OneWshfulthnker (10:13:06 PM): because he would point me in the right path
OneWshfulthnker (10:13:11 PM): but i just don't know
Alanwaitwhat (10:13:21 PM): you can't ask for something only when you want an answer
Alanwaitwhat (10:13:31 PM): it doesn't happen that way
Alanwaitwhat (10:13:53 PM): you keep faith, you keep loyalty, and you keep what you treasured the most close to your heart
OneWshfulthnker (10:13:55 PM): i know that
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:00 PM): i don't have faith though
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:03 PM): i don't
Alanwaitwhat (10:14:08 PM): everyone only thinks about God when something awful happens
Alanwaitwhat (10:14:28 PM): then its something you might want to consider, and i know you won't because you're just not like that
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:28 PM): no not necessarily
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:40 PM): my happiness and good times are a direct result of something i did
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:02 PM): then there is a purpse in life then, that nothing is meaningless
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:12 PM): that you conduct your actions through your thoughts
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:14 PM): it doesn't mean its a purpose
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:28 PM): but you're choosing to do those things
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:40 PM): how is it not a purpose if you're choosing and making decisions?
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:41 PM): there is no "end goal" in life
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:47 PM): you areborn, you live, you die
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:51 PM): nothing special
Alanwaitwhat (10:16:03 PM): then where would you be if you would have never been born?
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:10 PM): i wouldn't exist
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:14 PM): i wouldn't have been anymore
Alanwaitwhat (10:16:17 PM): how does that make you feel?
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:18 PM): anywhere
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:31 PM): i don't feel about that
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:00 PM): i just acknowledge that me being born was because my mother and father procreated
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:09 PM): it was luck
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:18 PM): their genes mixed and i was formed
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:37 PM): its not like this "god" picked me out and said hey,, you are going to do good things for this world
Alanwaitwhat (10:17:39 PM): we all have been given the chance to experience this Life
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:08 PM): and i'm grateful for being put in this world
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:23 PM): well to me, it was just luck
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:24 PM): is it not a big deal?
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:26 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:29 PM): its not a big deal
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:37 PM): everybody is the same
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:37 PM): hmmm
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:41 PM): no one is special alan
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:52 PM): i never said there are special people
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:54 PM): i know
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:03 PM): hence i'm just saying
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:07 PM): its not a big deal
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:14 PM): and you believe it is
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:16 PM): its your life
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:20 PM): you can believe what you want
Alanwaitwhat (10:19:52 PM): if science is so important to you, then how does the fact that we have the ability to think doesn't fascinate you, thats almost defying darwin's theory and what you stand for like the big bang
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:12 PM): it does facinate me
Alanwaitwhat (10:20:15 PM): the ability for ordinary animals to evolve and think
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:15 PM): but i dunno
Alanwaitwhat (10:20:21 PM): lol you just said it didn't
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:42 PM): but i question how do i think?
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:48 PM): how do i know animals don't think?
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:57 PM): and thats it just a part of every creature
OneWshfulthnker (10:21:08 PM): hence it not being important
Alanwaitwhat (10:22:32 PM): human beings are guided through electrical impulses, thse go through your brain and allow you to think, unlike for animals, don't have the capacity to retain anything that goes on in their life, don't get me wrong, animals can think, yes, but they don't have what us as human beings makes us so different from them
OneWshfulthnker (10:22:51 PM): i'm going to bed
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:07 PM): are you ok?
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:15 PM): we really are just two completely different people
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:25 PM): i'm just letting you know how i think
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:25 PM): i understand that fact more and more every day
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:29 PM): i know that
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:36 PM): we think differently
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:37 PM): you're choosing to pull away
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:41 PM): its not my fault
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:54 PM): i'm not CHOOSING to pull away
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:57 PM): its just
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:59 PM): ;alksndg;kajgnkljb
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:02 PM): ...
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:03 PM): yeah
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:21 PM): you dont have to say anything anymore
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:25 PM): i get the hint
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:26 PM): ...
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:29 PM): i don't understand how i feel so differently about you as compared to the same time last year
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:36 PM): that boggles me
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:44 PM): the hint?
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:47 PM): about what?
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:53 PM): forget that part
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:56 PM): but
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:03 PM): you said it for a reason
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:04 PM): you're allowing youself to be put in that situation
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:15 PM): i'm going with the flow
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:22 PM): i don't want to stay stagnant and boring
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:32 PM): is that what you call us then?
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:41 PM): not necessarily
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:46 PM): and it doesn't have to be that way if you dn't let it
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:48 PM): but lately
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:50 PM): butt i think it could very well be in the future
Alanwaitwhat (10:26:01 PM): you're so convinced that you nothing will work out
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:01 PM): i don't feel very stimulated lately
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:07 PM): i never said that
Alanwaitwhat (10:26:08 PM): that you just think that way every time i talk to you
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:19 PM): i said things could change when we get to maryland
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:28 PM): but RIGHT NOW at this very second
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:38 PM): i'm not happy with it for some unknown reason
Alanwaitwhat (10:26:46 PM): i keep that in mind at all times but you're more negative than positive lately
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:57 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (10:27:02 PM): its being realistic
Alanwaitwhat (10:27:18 PM): mama you're choosing to have feeling for some other guy!
Alanwaitwhat (10:27:34 PM): how is THAT being realistic? for "my god"'s sake
Alanwaitwhat (10:27:45 PM): or for science's sake
OneWshfulthnker (10:27:46 PM): why don't YOU try having a job where your mere translation can determine whether people live or die?
OneWshfulthnker (10:27:57 PM): then lets see you stay so posi all the time
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:07 PM): i'm not choosing anything alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:13 PM): its just happening
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:15 PM): now you're throwing things in my face
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:28 PM): how can that influence in the way you feel then!
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:34 PM): i'm not throwing it in yourr face
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:38 PM): how does people diying influence how you feel towards me?
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:38 PM): i'm saying
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:42 PM): i don't understand
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:51 PM): you can't stay so posi all the time
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:56 PM): its not realisic
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:57 PM): and i MAY NOT havd a jjob where people die
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:01 PM): or where people depend on me
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:03 PM): i'm not negative
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:11 PM): i'm just telling it how it is
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:13 PM): but you should feel really lucky to have the chance to represent your country!
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:19 PM): you chose to do this
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:20 PM): i don't think you understand the stress level
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:23 PM): and you signed that contract
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:28 PM): yes i did
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:36 PM): you should feel proud
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:43 PM): but i don't think i would have if i knew i was going to go through all this
Alanwaitwhat (10:30:08 PM): i dont think you would've either, we been through this before and i know how you feel about the subject
OneWshfulthnker (10:31:25 PM): it just bugs me to think that you live in this happy go lucky naive world sometimes
OneWshfulthnker (10:31:33 PM): where everything is good and happy
OneWshfulthnker (10:31:38 PM): life isn't like that
Alanwaitwhat (10:31:57 PM): what is this invitation thing?
ATTENTION (10:31:58 PM): Talk session initiated.
Alanwaitwhat (10:32:03 PM): ?
ATTENTION (10:32:13 PM): Talk session disconnected.
OneWshfulthnker (10:32:19 PM): i dunno
OneWshfulthnker (10:32:26 PM): i think i accidentily clicked on it
Alanwaitwhat (10:32:31 PM): and no i don't live in this happy world
Alanwaitwhat (10:32:33 PM): asi told you
Alanwaitwhat (10:33:25 PM): i know whats going on in the world, i'm not about to go over it again, but I'm NOT going to let that influence my life, there is just no way, i want the best for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want the best for me
Alanwaitwhat (10:33:38 PM): in a world of greed, i'm not about to care for the greedy
OneWshfulthnker (10:34:19 PM): ...........
OneWshfulthnker (10:34:21 PM): i dunno alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:34:25 PM): i just don't know anymroe
Alanwaitwhat (10:35:34 PM): its ok, you don't have to worry about me making wrong decisions while I am away from you; you know what you have to do
OneWshfulthnker (10:36:44 PM): i know what i have to do?
OneWshfulthnker (10:36:46 PM): what is that?
Alanwaitwhat (10:37:03 PM): thats up to you mamacita
Alanwaitwhat (10:37:12 PM): i can't control your decisions
OneWshfulthnker (10:37:22 PM): i don't know what you expect of me
OneWshfulthnker (10:38:08 PM): and i dunno if i could live up to your expectations
Alanwaitwhat (10:38:08 PM): I expect you to be the same woman that is having the same conversations that i'm having with you when we get to MD
Alanwaitwhat (10:38:32 PM): i expect you to be as open as you are right now when we get to MD
Alanwaitwhat (10:39:03 PM): and have everything out in the open, to read with me and getting involved in conversations like this while we have coffee or enjoy a nice morning together
Alanwaitwhat (10:39:25 PM): that's who i expect you to be, because I already know you can handle yourself without me
Alanwaitwhat (10:40:13 PM): and i knew this all along, i'm not putting you conditions, give you rules or any of that, because i'm not that kind of man, and if i was like that, i would dispatch myself because i would only want the best for you
OneWshfulthnker (10:40:58 PM): to be realistic again....what if there is no passion
OneWshfulthnker (10:41:05 PM): and i keep feeling this way?
Alanwaitwhat (10:41:40 PM): then i would have to ask you, how are you so sure since we have been away for 2 months? long distance relationships have these kind of issues
Alanwaitwhat (10:42:35 PM): and i'm married so i know its not anything like a bf/gf kind of thing where either of 'em can just break up, and move on, when something that can really last a life time is right there
OneWshfulthnker (10:42:53 PM): what scares me is
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:04 PM): what is it?
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:09 PM): if we were just bf/gf....we would have broken up a long time ago
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:39 PM): but we made a decision, as a couple
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:49 PM): i know
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:49 PM): and its not about you , or about me
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:54 PM): i know
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:54 PM): it is about US
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:57 PM): i know
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:00 PM): and honestly
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:03 PM): i hate that sometimes
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:16 PM): because i have toworry about breaking your heart, or your feelings
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:23 PM): i can't be young and selfish
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:11 PM): this is why i say that for you i go through hell and back
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:23 PM): because one day you can be the sweetest woman that i fell in love with
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:34 PM): the next one you are telling me about this other guy
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:45 PM): and i really hate that, all the time
Alanwaitwhat (10:46:08 PM): and I'm making the biggest sacrifice to let myself be put through this
Alanwaitwhat (10:46:35 PM): because i have faith on us, because i know this is just a phase and things will get better
OneWshfulthnker (10:46:39 PM): no one said i wold be the same forever
OneWshfulthnker (10:46:41 PM): no one
Alanwaitwhat (10:47:48 PM): once again, we all make decisions that we are all very aware of
OneWshfulthnker (10:48:54 PM): i wish we would have known each other better before we decided we were mature enough to get married
OneWshfulthnker (10:49:06 PM): and waited like 5 years
OneWshfulthnker (10:49:15 PM): but its too late for that
Alanwaitwhat (10:49:34 PM): you remind me of this everytime mamacita
OneWshfulthnker (10:49:45 PM): well its also what i think about all the time
Alanwaitwhat (10:49:58 PM): and this is whats getting you doubt on us
Alanwaitwhat (10:50:13 PM): so i guess that now i can see where it all comes from
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:28 PM): i'm young
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:31 PM): and i'm selfish
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:37 PM): and being forced to grow up
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:49 PM): i don't want to go to maryland and it be the same as monterey
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:02 PM): i felt like you were my child as opposed to my husband sometiems
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:04 PM): its not going to, how many times do i have to tell you?
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:14 PM): and i know you need actions
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:19 PM): but you'll have to wait till we get there
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:25 PM): and i know you don't have patience
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:27 PM): talk is cheap alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:29 PM): real cheap
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:44 PM): then what do i have to do to prove it?!!!!!
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:47 PM): i knwo you are working hard now
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:48 PM): i do
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:51 PM): do i have to go right now and already get a job there?
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:04 PM): you're telling alllllllllll of this
OneWshfulthnker (10:52:04 PM): not right now
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:06 PM): and its putting me down
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:10 PM): while all i'm doing is
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:16 PM): do the best of the best that i can do
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:25 PM): and i'm still not working at my full potential
OneWshfulthnker (10:52:29 PM): you just need to be secure enough on your own
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:36 PM): but all this negativity is just getting really old
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:45 PM): DON"T WORRY ABOUT ME!
OneWshfulthnker (10:52:47 PM): right now, could you even move out and be secure enough to live on your own?
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:49 PM): i already said that
Alanwaitwhat (10:53:52 PM): you're not the only one going through changes, its being very difficult for me too, and i really don't know anymore just like you, we're not different you and I
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:03 PM): actually alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:12 PM): we are as different as night and day
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:19 PM): we weren't at first
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:22 PM): but now
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:25 PM): i mean come one
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:26 PM): on
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:32 PM): we grow up!
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:35 PM): everyone grows up
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:39 PM): and YOU need accept that
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:40 PM): and grow apart too
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:46 PM): you need to deal with it as part of your life
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:47 PM): i know we grow up
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:57 PM): i'm doing it right now and i hate it
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:00 PM): you cannot be a young kid and make mistakes foreveer, thats ridiculous
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:04 PM): thats not what life is about
OneWshfulthnker (10:55:05 PM): its the worst part of this stupid stupid life
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:25 PM): LOOK AT what you're SAyiNG!!!
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:33 PM): you're so depressed is not even funny
OneWshfulthnker (10:55:49 PM): ?
OneWshfulthnker (10:55:55 PM): its not like i want to die or anything
Alanwaitwhat (10:56:12 PM): read what you're saying though! take a closer look
OneWshfulthnker (10:56:37 PM): what?
Alanwaitwhat (10:56:41 PM): you're acting like a kid who doesn't want to take their medicine, and you're now looking comfort where you can't get it
OneWshfulthnker (10:56:51 PM): i'm sleepy!
Alanwaitwhat (10:56:57 PM): or because you don't think you can get it with me
OneWshfulthnker (10:57:10 PM): and currious, and i just get frustrated with you
OneWshfulthnker (10:57:21 PM): every time we talk, i just feel like you dont' get it
Alanwaitwhat (10:57:36 PM): mamacita
Alanwaitwhat (10:57:40 PM): i'm going to tell you something
OneWshfulthnker (10:57:44 PM): ?
Alanwaitwhat (10:59:31 PM): I may not know how stressful this all is, but I care about your well being. I also know you get frustrated with me, but every single time we talk online or on the phone, you end up finding one single excuse to get frustrated with me. If i ask you questions is because i'm trying to understand what you say "i don't get" I want to see how you feel in order to help you out
Alanwaitwhat (11:00:23 PM): every single talk we have consists on an argument, and as i told you, the last thing i want to do is irritate you because i don't want to put more stress in your shoulders, so how can you not get agitated when you're pushing your own buttons?
Alanwaitwhat (11:01:12 PM): every single talk has been like these and i strongly believe this is why you are talking to another guy
OneWshfulthnker (11:01:32 PM): what? because we argue?
Alanwaitwhat (11:01:41 PM): no i don't argue
Alanwaitwhat (11:01:59 PM): i state my points in a polite way every time, i rarely storm out
Alanwaitwhat (11:02:22 PM): unless i'm being made fun of the things that i stand for
OneWshfulthnker (11:02:35 PM): this other guy is completely 180 degrees different from you
OneWshfulthnker (11:02:40 PM): and thats why i like talking to him
Alanwaitwhat (11:02:58 PM): you're so cold
Alanwaitwhat (11:03:47 PM): You used to not be like this, ever, what happend to you? what is happening to you? what are people doing to you over there
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:11 PM): no one is doing anything
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:22 PM): i don't think i'm cold
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:25 PM): but i do agree
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:32 PM): that i wasn't so much like this
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:47 PM): i just suppressed it all the time to live up to this nice girl image
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:59 PM): i realize i don'thave to be like that
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:03 PM): and instead you're turning into a huge mess
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:11 PM): i can't believe you samantha
OneWshfulthnker (11:05:11 PM): I AM A HUGE MESS
OneWshfulthnker (11:05:12 PM): i know
OneWshfulthnker (11:05:19 PM): huh?
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:44 PM): i dont' have any more words to give you right now
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:59 PM): i'm done talking to you today, you have done enough hurting for tonight
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:11 PM): i'm hurting you?
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:27 PM): i thought you wanted me to tell you waht i feel
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:33 PM): and i'm sorry but the truth hurts
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:47 PM): so i guess from now on , i 'll just keep my feeling inside and not tell you a thing
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:56 PM): maybe then that'll make you happy
Alanwaitwhat (11:06:57 PM): i would never put you through this shit and i would state my words in a way that you wouldn't get so hurt at least
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:01 PM): ignorance is bliss right?
Alanwaitwhat (11:07:07 PM): gawd damn it listen to yourself!
Alanwaitwhat (11:07:18 PM): you're flipping out on me
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:21 PM): i'm not going to beat around this bush
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:25 PM): i'm not flipping out
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:30 PM): i'm actually calm right now
Alanwaitwhat (11:07:48 PM): you really are a huge mess
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:00 PM): maybe i just need to get laid
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:00 PM): get back to me when you really feel like talking mamacita
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:06 PM): ...
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:10 PM): i'm talking to you!
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:22 PM): i really dont' know what you want from me
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:25 PM): i just don't
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:32 PM): i want you to get your shit straight
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:35 PM): because right now
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:39 PM): you're not helping yourself
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:39 PM): and i'm starting to think maybe that i'm not good enough for you
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:41 PM): you're not helping me
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:43 PM): because i am a mess
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:46 PM): and i don't know what i want
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:47 PM): and you're not doing any good to either of us
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:59 PM): why aren't you good enough for me!!!!!!
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:01 PM): and you are this nice little boy and i don't want to ruin your posi attitude
Alanwaitwhat (11:09:02 PM): i chose you!!!!
Alanwaitwhat (11:09:08 PM): upon alllllllllllll these women in this world
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:14 PM): i'm not a good girl
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:16 PM): i'm not
Alanwaitwhat (11:09:32 PM): you're so blinded with this guy that all you want is get rid of me
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:38 PM): NO
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:41 PM): ITS NOT LIKE THAT
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:43 PM): alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:48 PM): do i have to tell you again
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:55 PM): I WASN'T HAPPY IN MONTEREY EITHER
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:03 PM): i haven't been happy for a really long time
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:21 PM): that doesn't mean there are periods where i was really happy
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:27 PM): then why the hell wouldn't we talk about these?
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:36 PM): BECASUE YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO ME
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:44 PM): you would never bring things up!
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:44 PM): you ALWAYS ran out to austin
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:48 PM): NO FUCK THAT
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:48 PM): YES I WOULD
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:53 PM): don't bring him into this
OneWshfulthnker (11:11:00 PM): or you would go somewhere on a walk
Alanwaitwhat (11:11:09 PM): so what if i like walks to refresh myself
OneWshfulthnker (11:11:13 PM): i feel like i have to walk on eggshells around you
Alanwaitwhat (11:11:48 PM): its never too late to do what we never had the chance to
Alanwaitwhat (11:11:54 PM): what part of that don't you udnerstand
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:07 PM): right now i don't know
Alanwaitwhat (11:12:08 PM): you're so trapped into this way of thinking, that its not going to work out
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:10 PM): i feel so trapped
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:18 PM): no i do think it could work out
Alanwaitwhat (11:12:23 PM): and thats what i been trying to tell you, i'm not putting you limits or setting you rules!
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:29 PM): but at this point in my life all i want is freedom
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:52 PM): i want to drive back to virginia so bad
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:53 PM): and i can't
Alanwaitwhat (11:12:57 PM): and i can't believe you're actging like this because you think that all you need is sex
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:00 PM): cause the military has me tied up here
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:05 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:11 PM): not everythign is about you
Alanwaitwhat (11:13:16 PM): it never is about me
Alanwaitwhat (11:13:18 PM): its YOU
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:20 PM): every part of my life i feel trapped
Alanwaitwhat (11:13:26 PM): its YOU and YOUR decisions thas why i care about you
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:28 PM): not jsut marriage
OneWshfulthnker (11:14:16 PM): i don't know why i'm not happy
OneWshfulthnker (11:14:19 PM): idon't
OneWshfulthnker (11:15:22 PM): i know you are trying really hard
OneWshfulthnker (11:15:45 PM): but i feel like we are going and wanting two competely different directions
OneWshfulthnker (11:15:53 PM): and i know you want to make me happy
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:07 PM): i just don't know if i can do that for you
Alanwaitwhat (11:16:16 PM): let me ask you this
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:20 PM): be this good wife
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:23 PM): i don't want kids
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:27 PM): i don't believe in god
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:34 PM): and i'm not a happy posi person
Alanwaitwhat (11:17:06 PM): you're jeopardizing all of this just because you miss fooling around
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:20 PM): no
Alanwaitwhat (11:17:23 PM): you're very immature and i feel sorry
Alanwaitwhat (11:17:34 PM): specially for putting me through marriage
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:35 PM): i miss the excitement of dating and meeting new people
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:43 PM): iknow i'm immature
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:47 PM): you don't have to tell me that
Alanwaitwhat (11:18:33 PM): i do to remind you of how fucked up these things that you're telling me are, its like i'm taking care of you now as your parent, i have to try to guide you through good decisions
Alanwaitwhat (11:18:47 PM): completelly opposite to things in monterey
OneWshfulthnker (11:19:10 PM): yup
OneWshfulthnker (11:19:14 PM): i can't disagree
OneWshfulthnker (11:19:34 PM): but as i was talking to my instuctor
OneWshfulthnker (11:20:13 PM): when you put people through these highly intense and stressful situations, they tend to act completley the opposite, and i'm exhibiting those exact qualities
OneWshfulthnker (11:20:27 PM): not to plead my case or anything
Alanwaitwhat (11:20:46 PM): you're pushing me away
Alanwaitwhat (11:20:59 PM): and its all you
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:06 PM): i'm pushing EVERYONE away
Alanwaitwhat (11:21:29 PM): how are you pushing everyone away and having someone that makes you have butterflies still talk to you
Alanwaitwhat (11:21:39 PM): you make no sense mamacita
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:44 PM): because
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:53 PM): after these three months
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:56 PM): i really dont' have to see him
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:59 PM): so that way
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:00 PM): really
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:02 PM): its done
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:09 PM): i can't explain it
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:21 PM): its like having the falsehood that i like someone
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:26 PM): kinda like with cally and tony
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:30 PM): its not goign to work out
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:34 PM): nor do i want it to
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:45 PM): its jsut something that almost makes me feel alive
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:56 PM): not jsut going through the motions like i do with you almost
OneWshfulthnker (11:23:01 PM): I DONT KNOW
OneWshfulthnker (11:23:06 PM): and i can't explain it
OneWshfulthnker (11:23:22 PM): its just really nice talking to someone who is the COMPLETE opposite of you
OneWshfulthnker (11:24:48 PM): and doesn't know anything about me
OneWshfulthnker (11:24:57 PM): and doesn't know how fucked up i really am
OneWshfulthnker (11:26:32 PM): ???
OneWshfulthnker (11:26:36 PM): are you even there?
Alanwaitwhat (11:26:40 PM): have been
OneWshfulthnker (11:26:53 PM): are you going to say anything?
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:15 PM): what do you want me to say?
OneWshfulthnker (11:27:19 PM): anything
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:27 PM): some dude wants to have something with my WIFE!!!!!!
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:33 PM): and he doesn't know shes married
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:43 PM): what the heck am i supposed to even say to that?!
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:51 PM): and she doesn't wanna tell him
OneWshfulthnker (11:27:54 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (11:27:59 PM): he does know i'm married
OneWshfulthnker (11:28:24 PM): so don't assume that he didn't know
Alanwaitwhat (11:28:56 PM): its sad to know that you're letting this happen and that you're very aware how much this hurts me
OneWshfulthnker (11:29:14 PM): at this point NOTHING IS HAPPENING
OneWshfulthnker (11:29:17 PM): its just talking
OneWshfulthnker (11:29:19 PM): and i like it alot
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:09 PM): i feel like i'm going through this crisis
Alanwaitwhat (11:30:25 PM): you're not the only one
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:45 PM): i don't deal well with commintment
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:53 PM): hence i have no idea why i got married
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:58 PM): and i should take it out on you
OneWshfulthnker (11:31:08 PM): its not your fault i'm an idiot\
OneWshfulthnker (11:31:47 PM): i really am going to bed
OneWshfulthnker (11:31:52 PM): i have less than 4 hours
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:03 PM): and i m even more upset and confused
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:14 PM): i'm not happy alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:15 PM): at all
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:24 PM): i don't want to bring you down
Alanwaitwhat (11:32:42 PM): you already did it don't worry about that part
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:56 PM): what....bring you down?
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:04 PM): i'm saying...as in life
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:15 PM): you feel like life should have all these goals and dreams
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:19 PM): i don't feel like that
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:22 PM): thats what this past 2 months have been feeling like!
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:38 PM): just drama and torture because you can't make up your mind
Alanwaitwhat (11:31:59 PM): and because you're surrounded by so many singles that what everyone does is just get fucked up and hook up
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:19 PM): not really alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:23 PM): thats a virginia thing
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:34 PM): here
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:39 PM): we get drunk and talk about lfie
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:42 PM): life
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:50 PM): and philosophy
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:53 PM): and religion
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:10 PM): and thats how you missinterpret the facts in life
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:24 PM): ?
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:41 PM): you're gettin drunk and talkin about life
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:49 PM): we aren't drunk all the time
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:54 PM): hows that smart thinking and good philosophy
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:56 PM): i shouldn't have said it like taht
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:10 PM): i've drank twice since i've been here
Alanwaitwhat (11:34:12 PM): you make no sense when you're in denial
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:21 PM): and that guy doesn't drink either
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:25 PM): i'm in denial?
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:27 PM): about what?
Alanwaitwhat (11:34:43 PM): no denial, but when you're confused or you mix what you stand for
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:44 PM): i'm not making sense cause i'm fucking half asleep!
Alanwaitwhat (11:35:04 PM): i told you i didn't want to end up in a bad not and you kept pushing it
Alanwaitwhat (11:35:09 PM): note*
OneWshfulthnker (11:35:23 PM): i get so easily frustrated withyou and i dont know why
Alanwaitwhat (11:35:44 PM): i think you just like me getting hurt
OneWshfulthnker (11:35:53 PM): ARE YOU SERIOUS?
OneWshfulthnker (11:35:55 PM): really
OneWshfulthnker (11:36:01 PM): cause that will piss meoff even more
Alanwaitwhat (11:36:02 PM): you have done this everytime we talked online
OneWshfulthnker (11:36:06 PM): i don't like to hurt people
Alanwaitwhat (11:36:22 PM): you take this off all on me
Alanwaitwhat (11:36:58 PM): and its cool at one point because i should know how you feel, but at the same time, you constantly remind me of the possibilities of not having success
OneWshfulthnker (11:37:31 PM): i'm trying to figure out who i am right now and it really fucking sucks that i have to constantly think about not hurting your feelings
Alanwaitwhat (11:37:36 PM): I'm not stupid and i know how to do the math and it shows a lot, you might not notice but
OneWshfulthnker (11:37:42 PM): or worrying if its the right decision
OneWshfulthnker (11:37:52 PM): what shows a lot?
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:09 PM): that you're constantly getting frustrated with me
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:18 PM): the other day you asked me if i took care of the cable box
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:28 PM): and you said "did you turn in the fucking cable shit?"
OneWshfulthnker (11:38:42 PM): no i didn't ask you like that
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:48 PM): before that you snapped on me by giving me a taste on reality when i litellrally had already had a job
OneWshfulthnker (11:38:56 PM): id on't curse unless i'm really frustrated
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:57 PM): i remember things better
OneWshfulthnker (11:39:51 PM): i feel like i can't tell you how i really feel most of the time
Alanwaitwhat (11:39:55 PM): and for some reason every single time, we talk, every time, you end up getting agitated, frustrated, and constantly remind me of how shitty everything with this other guys is
Alanwaitwhat (11:40:08 PM): why not?
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:12 PM): i don'tknow
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:24 PM): i just don't cause then i'll hurt your feelings
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:47 PM): and i feel like thats all i do lately anymore
Alanwaitwhat (11:40:48 PM): what did you have sex with someone or something?
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:52 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:54 PM): but
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:55 PM): really
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:02 PM): I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIPT
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:04 PM): WITH ANYONE
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:07 PM): AT ALL
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:09 PM): ...
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:14 PM): i don't want to worry about caring for other people
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:23 PM): but i made this "promise" that i would
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:30 PM): its hard enough to care about me
Auto Response from Alanwaitwhat (11:41:30 PM): thats the final straw
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:34 PM): ALAN
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:36 PM): what
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:37 PM): come back
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:40 PM): don't leavfe
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:47 PM): you know what
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:50 PM): i'm telling you what i really feel and then you just leave?
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:58 PM): samantha listen to me
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:00 PM): I love you
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:03 PM): and i always will
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:19 PM): there are a million and one things that i will do for you
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:23 PM): but
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:44 PM): i won't let you step on me as if I am some little pet that you can sweet talk and then be mad at
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:53 PM): i also value my body and my well being
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:20 PM): and I really don't think is necesary for you to say the things that you say in a way that is pretty much considered cruel
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:26 PM): I love you and all
OneWshfulthnker (11:43:46 PM): all i'm saying is
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:47 PM): but i'm not going to put myself through that, sweetheart you got a lot to think about
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:50 PM): let me finish
OneWshfulthnker (11:43:52 PM): i cannot even take care
OneWshfulthnker (11:43:54 PM): ok
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:00 PM): as i was saying
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:05 PM): you got a lot to think about
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:12 PM): and i know you have asked me for space
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:24 PM): and i dont know what more you want
Alanwaitwhat (11:45:29 PM): and it hurts me to tell you that I really don't want to keep getting hurt anymore, so, talk to me when you're less frustrated and when you can actually keep a civilized conversation instead of just getting agitated and frustrated
Alanwaitwhat (11:46:09 PM): im here to listen to you, but i can only take so much, i 'm here to listen, but i'm not going to listen to you if all you're going to do is hurt me
Alanwaitwhat (11:46:45 PM): i'm never done wrong to you, i have always been there, and I honestly don't know whats going on in your head and I'll mind my own business and keep my head straight
Alanwaitwhat (11:47:42 PM): and i don't know why I'm paying for what you're going through, i really don't, i'm sorry to bail out on you, but you have said enough to me, at this point, i think i might need some space to only let myself heal
Alanwaitwhat (11:48:18 PM): while you're dealing with your issues in TX, I'll be still righ here, keeping faith, I love you
OneWshfulthnker (11:48:36 PM): so are you just leaving me?
Alanwaitwhat (11:48:39 PM): no
Alanwaitwhat (11:48:46 PM): you need to think about a lot of things
OneWshfulthnker (11:48:52 PM): so you don't want to talkt o me while i'm in texas?
Alanwaitwhat (11:49:26 PM): i don't want to talk to you until you can hold a steady and civilized conversation, all you do is get dffesnsive and agitated
Alanwaitwhat (11:49:35 PM): deffensive*
OneWshfulthnker (11:49:49 PM): i don't know when that will be, to be honest with you
Alanwaitwhat (11:51:01 PM): ...let me know when you grow up mamacita, you have my # and hopefully i'm still under hubby<3 or alan<3
OneWshfulthnker (11:51:25 PM): so
OneWshfulthnker (11:51:37 PM): you want me to let you know when i grow up?
OneWshfulthnker (11:51:44 PM): cause that could be the day before never
Alanwaitwhat (11:53:33 PM): you'll know when to get a hold of me, not necesarily when you grow up, and i meant siritually
Alanwaitwhat (11:53:39 PM): spiritually*
OneWshfulthnker (11:53:53 PM): i'm not spiritual
Alanwaitwhat (11:53:53 PM): because you're just doing me more harm than been there for me
OneWshfulthnker (11:53:58 PM): i'm confused
OneWshfulthnker (11:54:37 PM): this feels like a break up
Alanwaitwhat (11:54:45 PM): i'm not breaking up with you
Alanwaitwhat (11:55:00 PM): i just refused to talk to you when all you're goingn to do is try to bring me down
Alanwaitwhat (11:55:15 PM): and in order to take care of you i have to care of myself
Alanwaitwhat (11:55:25 PM): and i'm not going to feel like shit all the time
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:36 PM): alright
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:37 PM): well
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:42 PM): i'm going to bed
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:48 PM): now with less than 4 hours
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:52 PM): fantastic
Alanwaitwhat (11:56:05 PM): you chose to
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:10 PM): iknow
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:17 PM): i'm not being sarcastic to you
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:25 PM): i just wish i didn't stay up so late
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:52 PM): well i'll call you when i "grow up" or whatever
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:56 PM): i love you
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:57 PM): goodnight
Alanwaitwhat (11:57:00 PM): be more erious about it
OneWshfulthnker (11:57:05 PM): i am
OneWshfulthnker (11:57:17 PM): i just don't know what else to say
OneWshfulthnker went away at 11:57:29 PM.
Alanwaitwhat (11:57:42 PM): you're not funny samantha, you're really not funny
OneWshfulthnker (11:57:49 PM): i'm not trying to be
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:00 PM): i just really don't know what else to say alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:22 PM): you tell me to call you when i grow up
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:33 PM): or become more spiritual about this whole thing
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:35 PM): i understand
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:43 PM): so i'll just talk to you when i sort some shit out
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:53 PM): but i honestly don't know when that is going to be
Alanwaitwhat (11:59:43 PM): you're tmissinterpreting everything i said
OneWshfulthnker (11:59:55 PM): i'm not even being sarcastic!
Alanwaitwhat (12:00:36 AM): and by that i meant, when you want to have a conversation where you won't argue, get agitated or frustrated call me, till then, i choose to not get hurt because thats all you're doing
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:02 AM): and i'm saying i don't know when that is going to be
Alanwaitwhat (12:01:42 AM): well this is the perfect time for you to make those mistakes you've always wanted, if thats what you want
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:51 AM): what?
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:52 AM): alan
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:53 AM): really
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:56 AM): i'm going to bed
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:06 AM): this is getting somewhat borderline ridiculous
Alanwaitwhat (12:02:19 AM): welcome to everyday of my life
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:35 AM): sometimes you act like I don't have it hard either
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:45 AM): its not like everything is hunky dory here
Alanwaitwhat (12:02:50 AM): and you act as if i don'tknow what you're groing through
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:57 AM): ok
OneWshfulthnker (12:03:00 AM): i'm stopping this shit
OneWshfulthnker (12:03:02 AM): goodnight
Alanwaitwhat (12:03:08 AM): peace
life is looking lovely right now
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:26 PM): but i mean really
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:31 PM): when we die, thats it
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:41 PM): we are a small person amongst 6 billion
OneWshfulthnker (10:06:53 PM): we really don't make much of a difference
Alanwaitwhat (10:08:22 PM): doesn't it fascinate that we can think!? I dn't get how that is not a big deal, animals just sleep, eat, procreate and die, everything that is in front of them at that very second is their life; WE can chose to do things, to get in planes, to create, to ride cards, to buy things, we empower ourselves to do better everyday, and other don't
OneWshfulthnker (10:08:40 PM): but in the end
OneWshfulthnker (10:08:42 PM): it doesn't matter
Alanwaitwhat (10:08:46 PM): it is a HUGE thing, we're not only animals but we posses self awareness, something animals never will be able to do
OneWshfulthnker (10:08:47 PM): it just doesnt
OneWshfulthnker (10:09:04 PM): and who is to say none of this is real?
Alanwaitwhat (10:09:09 PM): what do you mean in the end doesn't matter? don't you want to pass those things onto others?
Alanwaitwhat (10:09:24 PM): don't you want to influence or leave something for the world to remember you as?
OneWshfulthnker (10:09:35 PM): that everyone exist on different levels of conscience and we just happen to coincide with one another
OneWshfulthnker (10:09:46 PM): the world will not remember me in 100 years
Alanwaitwhat (10:10:24 PM): then if none of this exists, then how can you feel and go through so many experiences?
OneWshfulthnker (10:10:43 PM): maybe it exists to me
OneWshfulthnker (10:10:53 PM): and its completely different with you
Alanwaitwhat (10:10:54 PM): and if the world won't remember you, at least you did your best to leave your mark and i'm sure that someone will remember me
OneWshfulthnker (10:10:57 PM): I DON'T KNOW
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:00 PM): i question everything
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:01 PM): and i refused to be forgotten
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:05 PM): well
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:06 PM): see
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:10 PM): i know iw will be forgotton
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:19 PM): i respect that
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:20 PM): it just a simple person
OneWshfulthnker (10:11:47 PM): i'm*
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:48 PM): you're a beautiful woman fighting for your country
Alanwaitwhat (10:11:53 PM): don't ever say you're just a simple person
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:00 PM): we all value what you're doing
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:10 PM): and i admire you for what you're going through
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:18 PM): so does everyone in VA
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:23 PM): but i also so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much going on in this world
Alanwaitwhat (10:12:24 PM): my family that is now yours
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:32 PM): things you wouldn't even dream of
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:42 PM): and i believe if there was a god
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:48 PM): none of this would happen
OneWshfulthnker (10:12:57 PM): just like i wouldn't question my marriage
OneWshfulthnker (10:13:06 PM): because he would point me in the right path
OneWshfulthnker (10:13:11 PM): but i just don't know
Alanwaitwhat (10:13:21 PM): you can't ask for something only when you want an answer
Alanwaitwhat (10:13:31 PM): it doesn't happen that way
Alanwaitwhat (10:13:53 PM): you keep faith, you keep loyalty, and you keep what you treasured the most close to your heart
OneWshfulthnker (10:13:55 PM): i know that
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:00 PM): i don't have faith though
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:03 PM): i don't
Alanwaitwhat (10:14:08 PM): everyone only thinks about God when something awful happens
Alanwaitwhat (10:14:28 PM): then its something you might want to consider, and i know you won't because you're just not like that
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:28 PM): no not necessarily
OneWshfulthnker (10:14:40 PM): my happiness and good times are a direct result of something i did
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:02 PM): then there is a purpse in life then, that nothing is meaningless
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:12 PM): that you conduct your actions through your thoughts
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:14 PM): it doesn't mean its a purpose
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:28 PM): but you're choosing to do those things
Alanwaitwhat (10:15:40 PM): how is it not a purpose if you're choosing and making decisions?
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:41 PM): there is no "end goal" in life
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:47 PM): you areborn, you live, you die
OneWshfulthnker (10:15:51 PM): nothing special
Alanwaitwhat (10:16:03 PM): then where would you be if you would have never been born?
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:10 PM): i wouldn't exist
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:14 PM): i wouldn't have been anymore
Alanwaitwhat (10:16:17 PM): how does that make you feel?
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:18 PM): anywhere
OneWshfulthnker (10:16:31 PM): i don't feel about that
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:00 PM): i just acknowledge that me being born was because my mother and father procreated
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:09 PM): it was luck
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:18 PM): their genes mixed and i was formed
OneWshfulthnker (10:17:37 PM): its not like this "god" picked me out and said hey,, you are going to do good things for this world
Alanwaitwhat (10:17:39 PM): we all have been given the chance to experience this Life
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:08 PM): and i'm grateful for being put in this world
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:23 PM): well to me, it was just luck
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:24 PM): is it not a big deal?
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:26 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:29 PM): its not a big deal
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:37 PM): everybody is the same
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:37 PM): hmmm
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:41 PM): no one is special alan
Alanwaitwhat (10:18:52 PM): i never said there are special people
OneWshfulthnker (10:18:54 PM): i know
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:03 PM): hence i'm just saying
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:07 PM): its not a big deal
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:14 PM): and you believe it is
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:16 PM): its your life
OneWshfulthnker (10:19:20 PM): you can believe what you want
Alanwaitwhat (10:19:52 PM): if science is so important to you, then how does the fact that we have the ability to think doesn't fascinate you, thats almost defying darwin's theory and what you stand for like the big bang
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:12 PM): it does facinate me
Alanwaitwhat (10:20:15 PM): the ability for ordinary animals to evolve and think
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:15 PM): but i dunno
Alanwaitwhat (10:20:21 PM): lol you just said it didn't
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:42 PM): but i question how do i think?
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:48 PM): how do i know animals don't think?
OneWshfulthnker (10:20:57 PM): and thats it just a part of every creature
OneWshfulthnker (10:21:08 PM): hence it not being important
Alanwaitwhat (10:22:32 PM): human beings are guided through electrical impulses, thse go through your brain and allow you to think, unlike for animals, don't have the capacity to retain anything that goes on in their life, don't get me wrong, animals can think, yes, but they don't have what us as human beings makes us so different from them
OneWshfulthnker (10:22:51 PM): i'm going to bed
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:07 PM): are you ok?
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:15 PM): we really are just two completely different people
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:25 PM): i'm just letting you know how i think
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:25 PM): i understand that fact more and more every day
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:29 PM): i know that
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:36 PM): we think differently
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:37 PM): you're choosing to pull away
Alanwaitwhat (10:23:41 PM): its not my fault
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:54 PM): i'm not CHOOSING to pull away
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:57 PM): its just
OneWshfulthnker (10:23:59 PM): ;alksndg;kajgnkljb
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:02 PM): ...
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:03 PM): yeah
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:21 PM): you dont have to say anything anymore
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:25 PM): i get the hint
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:26 PM): ...
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:29 PM): i don't understand how i feel so differently about you as compared to the same time last year
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:36 PM): that boggles me
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:44 PM): the hint?
OneWshfulthnker (10:24:47 PM): about what?
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:53 PM): forget that part
Alanwaitwhat (10:24:56 PM): but
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:03 PM): you said it for a reason
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:04 PM): you're allowing youself to be put in that situation
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:15 PM): i'm going with the flow
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:22 PM): i don't want to stay stagnant and boring
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:32 PM): is that what you call us then?
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:41 PM): not necessarily
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:46 PM): and it doesn't have to be that way if you dn't let it
Alanwaitwhat (10:25:48 PM): but lately
OneWshfulthnker (10:25:50 PM): butt i think it could very well be in the future
Alanwaitwhat (10:26:01 PM): you're so convinced that you nothing will work out
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:01 PM): i don't feel very stimulated lately
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:07 PM): i never said that
Alanwaitwhat (10:26:08 PM): that you just think that way every time i talk to you
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:19 PM): i said things could change when we get to maryland
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:28 PM): but RIGHT NOW at this very second
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:38 PM): i'm not happy with it for some unknown reason
Alanwaitwhat (10:26:46 PM): i keep that in mind at all times but you're more negative than positive lately
OneWshfulthnker (10:26:57 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (10:27:02 PM): its being realistic
Alanwaitwhat (10:27:18 PM): mama you're choosing to have feeling for some other guy!
Alanwaitwhat (10:27:34 PM): how is THAT being realistic? for "my god"'s sake
Alanwaitwhat (10:27:45 PM): or for science's sake
OneWshfulthnker (10:27:46 PM): why don't YOU try having a job where your mere translation can determine whether people live or die?
OneWshfulthnker (10:27:57 PM): then lets see you stay so posi all the time
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:07 PM): i'm not choosing anything alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:13 PM): its just happening
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:15 PM): now you're throwing things in my face
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:28 PM): how can that influence in the way you feel then!
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:34 PM): i'm not throwing it in yourr face
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:38 PM): how does people diying influence how you feel towards me?
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:38 PM): i'm saying
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:42 PM): i don't understand
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:51 PM): you can't stay so posi all the time
OneWshfulthnker (10:28:56 PM): its not realisic
Alanwaitwhat (10:28:57 PM): and i MAY NOT havd a jjob where people die
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:01 PM): or where people depend on me
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:03 PM): i'm not negative
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:11 PM): i'm just telling it how it is
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:13 PM): but you should feel really lucky to have the chance to represent your country!
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:19 PM): you chose to do this
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:20 PM): i don't think you understand the stress level
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:23 PM): and you signed that contract
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:28 PM): yes i did
Alanwaitwhat (10:29:36 PM): you should feel proud
OneWshfulthnker (10:29:43 PM): but i don't think i would have if i knew i was going to go through all this
Alanwaitwhat (10:30:08 PM): i dont think you would've either, we been through this before and i know how you feel about the subject
OneWshfulthnker (10:31:25 PM): it just bugs me to think that you live in this happy go lucky naive world sometimes
OneWshfulthnker (10:31:33 PM): where everything is good and happy
OneWshfulthnker (10:31:38 PM): life isn't like that
Alanwaitwhat (10:31:57 PM): what is this invitation thing?
ATTENTION (10:31:58 PM): Talk session initiated.
Alanwaitwhat (10:32:03 PM): ?
ATTENTION (10:32:13 PM): Talk session disconnected.
OneWshfulthnker (10:32:19 PM): i dunno
OneWshfulthnker (10:32:26 PM): i think i accidentily clicked on it
Alanwaitwhat (10:32:31 PM): and no i don't live in this happy world
Alanwaitwhat (10:32:33 PM): asi told you
Alanwaitwhat (10:33:25 PM): i know whats going on in the world, i'm not about to go over it again, but I'm NOT going to let that influence my life, there is just no way, i want the best for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want the best for me
Alanwaitwhat (10:33:38 PM): in a world of greed, i'm not about to care for the greedy
OneWshfulthnker (10:34:19 PM): ...........
OneWshfulthnker (10:34:21 PM): i dunno alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:34:25 PM): i just don't know anymroe
Alanwaitwhat (10:35:34 PM): its ok, you don't have to worry about me making wrong decisions while I am away from you; you know what you have to do
OneWshfulthnker (10:36:44 PM): i know what i have to do?
OneWshfulthnker (10:36:46 PM): what is that?
Alanwaitwhat (10:37:03 PM): thats up to you mamacita
Alanwaitwhat (10:37:12 PM): i can't control your decisions
OneWshfulthnker (10:37:22 PM): i don't know what you expect of me
OneWshfulthnker (10:38:08 PM): and i dunno if i could live up to your expectations
Alanwaitwhat (10:38:08 PM): I expect you to be the same woman that is having the same conversations that i'm having with you when we get to MD
Alanwaitwhat (10:38:32 PM): i expect you to be as open as you are right now when we get to MD
Alanwaitwhat (10:39:03 PM): and have everything out in the open, to read with me and getting involved in conversations like this while we have coffee or enjoy a nice morning together
Alanwaitwhat (10:39:25 PM): that's who i expect you to be, because I already know you can handle yourself without me
Alanwaitwhat (10:40:13 PM): and i knew this all along, i'm not putting you conditions, give you rules or any of that, because i'm not that kind of man, and if i was like that, i would dispatch myself because i would only want the best for you
OneWshfulthnker (10:40:58 PM): to be realistic again....what if there is no passion
OneWshfulthnker (10:41:05 PM): and i keep feeling this way?
Alanwaitwhat (10:41:40 PM): then i would have to ask you, how are you so sure since we have been away for 2 months? long distance relationships have these kind of issues
Alanwaitwhat (10:42:35 PM): and i'm married so i know its not anything like a bf/gf kind of thing where either of 'em can just break up, and move on, when something that can really last a life time is right there
OneWshfulthnker (10:42:53 PM): what scares me is
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:04 PM): what is it?
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:09 PM): if we were just bf/gf....we would have broken up a long time ago
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:39 PM): but we made a decision, as a couple
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:49 PM): i know
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:49 PM): and its not about you , or about me
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:54 PM): i know
Alanwaitwhat (10:43:54 PM): it is about US
OneWshfulthnker (10:43:57 PM): i know
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:00 PM): and honestly
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:03 PM): i hate that sometimes
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:16 PM): because i have toworry about breaking your heart, or your feelings
OneWshfulthnker (10:44:23 PM): i can't be young and selfish
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:11 PM): this is why i say that for you i go through hell and back
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:23 PM): because one day you can be the sweetest woman that i fell in love with
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:34 PM): the next one you are telling me about this other guy
Alanwaitwhat (10:45:45 PM): and i really hate that, all the time
Alanwaitwhat (10:46:08 PM): and I'm making the biggest sacrifice to let myself be put through this
Alanwaitwhat (10:46:35 PM): because i have faith on us, because i know this is just a phase and things will get better
OneWshfulthnker (10:46:39 PM): no one said i wold be the same forever
OneWshfulthnker (10:46:41 PM): no one
Alanwaitwhat (10:47:48 PM): once again, we all make decisions that we are all very aware of
OneWshfulthnker (10:48:54 PM): i wish we would have known each other better before we decided we were mature enough to get married
OneWshfulthnker (10:49:06 PM): and waited like 5 years
OneWshfulthnker (10:49:15 PM): but its too late for that
Alanwaitwhat (10:49:34 PM): you remind me of this everytime mamacita
OneWshfulthnker (10:49:45 PM): well its also what i think about all the time
Alanwaitwhat (10:49:58 PM): and this is whats getting you doubt on us
Alanwaitwhat (10:50:13 PM): so i guess that now i can see where it all comes from
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:28 PM): i'm young
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:31 PM): and i'm selfish
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:37 PM): and being forced to grow up
OneWshfulthnker (10:50:49 PM): i don't want to go to maryland and it be the same as monterey
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:02 PM): i felt like you were my child as opposed to my husband sometiems
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:04 PM): its not going to, how many times do i have to tell you?
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:14 PM): and i know you need actions
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:19 PM): but you'll have to wait till we get there
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:25 PM): and i know you don't have patience
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:27 PM): talk is cheap alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:29 PM): real cheap
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:44 PM): then what do i have to do to prove it?!!!!!
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:47 PM): i knwo you are working hard now
OneWshfulthnker (10:51:48 PM): i do
Alanwaitwhat (10:51:51 PM): do i have to go right now and already get a job there?
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:04 PM): you're telling alllllllllll of this
OneWshfulthnker (10:52:04 PM): not right now
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:06 PM): and its putting me down
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:10 PM): while all i'm doing is
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:16 PM): do the best of the best that i can do
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:25 PM): and i'm still not working at my full potential
OneWshfulthnker (10:52:29 PM): you just need to be secure enough on your own
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:36 PM): but all this negativity is just getting really old
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:45 PM): DON"T WORRY ABOUT ME!
OneWshfulthnker (10:52:47 PM): right now, could you even move out and be secure enough to live on your own?
Alanwaitwhat (10:52:49 PM): i already said that
Alanwaitwhat (10:53:52 PM): you're not the only one going through changes, its being very difficult for me too, and i really don't know anymore just like you, we're not different you and I
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:03 PM): actually alan
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:12 PM): we are as different as night and day
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:19 PM): we weren't at first
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:22 PM): but now
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:25 PM): i mean come one
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:26 PM): on
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:32 PM): we grow up!
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:35 PM): everyone grows up
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:39 PM): and YOU need accept that
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:40 PM): and grow apart too
Alanwaitwhat (10:54:46 PM): you need to deal with it as part of your life
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:47 PM): i know we grow up
OneWshfulthnker (10:54:57 PM): i'm doing it right now and i hate it
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:00 PM): you cannot be a young kid and make mistakes foreveer, thats ridiculous
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:04 PM): thats not what life is about
OneWshfulthnker (10:55:05 PM): its the worst part of this stupid stupid life
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:25 PM): LOOK AT what you're SAyiNG!!!
Alanwaitwhat (10:55:33 PM): you're so depressed is not even funny
OneWshfulthnker (10:55:49 PM): ?
OneWshfulthnker (10:55:55 PM): its not like i want to die or anything
Alanwaitwhat (10:56:12 PM): read what you're saying though! take a closer look
OneWshfulthnker (10:56:37 PM): what?
Alanwaitwhat (10:56:41 PM): you're acting like a kid who doesn't want to take their medicine, and you're now looking comfort where you can't get it
OneWshfulthnker (10:56:51 PM): i'm sleepy!
Alanwaitwhat (10:56:57 PM): or because you don't think you can get it with me
OneWshfulthnker (10:57:10 PM): and currious, and i just get frustrated with you
OneWshfulthnker (10:57:21 PM): every time we talk, i just feel like you dont' get it
Alanwaitwhat (10:57:36 PM): mamacita
Alanwaitwhat (10:57:40 PM): i'm going to tell you something
OneWshfulthnker (10:57:44 PM): ?
Alanwaitwhat (10:59:31 PM): I may not know how stressful this all is, but I care about your well being. I also know you get frustrated with me, but every single time we talk online or on the phone, you end up finding one single excuse to get frustrated with me. If i ask you questions is because i'm trying to understand what you say "i don't get" I want to see how you feel in order to help you out
Alanwaitwhat (11:00:23 PM): every single talk we have consists on an argument, and as i told you, the last thing i want to do is irritate you because i don't want to put more stress in your shoulders, so how can you not get agitated when you're pushing your own buttons?
Alanwaitwhat (11:01:12 PM): every single talk has been like these and i strongly believe this is why you are talking to another guy
OneWshfulthnker (11:01:32 PM): what? because we argue?
Alanwaitwhat (11:01:41 PM): no i don't argue
Alanwaitwhat (11:01:59 PM): i state my points in a polite way every time, i rarely storm out
Alanwaitwhat (11:02:22 PM): unless i'm being made fun of the things that i stand for
OneWshfulthnker (11:02:35 PM): this other guy is completely 180 degrees different from you
OneWshfulthnker (11:02:40 PM): and thats why i like talking to him
Alanwaitwhat (11:02:58 PM): you're so cold
Alanwaitwhat (11:03:47 PM): You used to not be like this, ever, what happend to you? what is happening to you? what are people doing to you over there
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:11 PM): no one is doing anything
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:22 PM): i don't think i'm cold
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:25 PM): but i do agree
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:32 PM): that i wasn't so much like this
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:47 PM): i just suppressed it all the time to live up to this nice girl image
OneWshfulthnker (11:04:59 PM): i realize i don'thave to be like that
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:03 PM): and instead you're turning into a huge mess
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:11 PM): i can't believe you samantha
OneWshfulthnker (11:05:11 PM): I AM A HUGE MESS
OneWshfulthnker (11:05:12 PM): i know
OneWshfulthnker (11:05:19 PM): huh?
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:44 PM): i dont' have any more words to give you right now
Alanwaitwhat (11:05:59 PM): i'm done talking to you today, you have done enough hurting for tonight
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:11 PM): i'm hurting you?
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:27 PM): i thought you wanted me to tell you waht i feel
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:33 PM): and i'm sorry but the truth hurts
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:47 PM): so i guess from now on , i 'll just keep my feeling inside and not tell you a thing
OneWshfulthnker (11:06:56 PM): maybe then that'll make you happy
Alanwaitwhat (11:06:57 PM): i would never put you through this shit and i would state my words in a way that you wouldn't get so hurt at least
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:01 PM): ignorance is bliss right?
Alanwaitwhat (11:07:07 PM): gawd damn it listen to yourself!
Alanwaitwhat (11:07:18 PM): you're flipping out on me
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:21 PM): i'm not going to beat around this bush
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:25 PM): i'm not flipping out
OneWshfulthnker (11:07:30 PM): i'm actually calm right now
Alanwaitwhat (11:07:48 PM): you really are a huge mess
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:00 PM): maybe i just need to get laid
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:00 PM): get back to me when you really feel like talking mamacita
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:06 PM): ...
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:10 PM): i'm talking to you!
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:22 PM): i really dont' know what you want from me
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:25 PM): i just don't
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:32 PM): i want you to get your shit straight
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:35 PM): because right now
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:39 PM): you're not helping yourself
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:39 PM): and i'm starting to think maybe that i'm not good enough for you
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:41 PM): you're not helping me
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:43 PM): because i am a mess
OneWshfulthnker (11:08:46 PM): and i don't know what i want
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:47 PM): and you're not doing any good to either of us
Alanwaitwhat (11:08:59 PM): why aren't you good enough for me!!!!!!
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:01 PM): and you are this nice little boy and i don't want to ruin your posi attitude
Alanwaitwhat (11:09:02 PM): i chose you!!!!
Alanwaitwhat (11:09:08 PM): upon alllllllllllll these women in this world
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:14 PM): i'm not a good girl
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:16 PM): i'm not
Alanwaitwhat (11:09:32 PM): you're so blinded with this guy that all you want is get rid of me
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:38 PM): NO
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:41 PM): ITS NOT LIKE THAT
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:43 PM): alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:48 PM): do i have to tell you again
OneWshfulthnker (11:09:55 PM): I WASN'T HAPPY IN MONTEREY EITHER
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:03 PM): i haven't been happy for a really long time
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:21 PM): that doesn't mean there are periods where i was really happy
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:27 PM): then why the hell wouldn't we talk about these?
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:36 PM): BECASUE YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO ME
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:44 PM): you would never bring things up!
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:44 PM): you ALWAYS ran out to austin
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:48 PM): NO FUCK THAT
OneWshfulthnker (11:10:48 PM): YES I WOULD
Alanwaitwhat (11:10:53 PM): don't bring him into this
OneWshfulthnker (11:11:00 PM): or you would go somewhere on a walk
Alanwaitwhat (11:11:09 PM): so what if i like walks to refresh myself
OneWshfulthnker (11:11:13 PM): i feel like i have to walk on eggshells around you
Alanwaitwhat (11:11:48 PM): its never too late to do what we never had the chance to
Alanwaitwhat (11:11:54 PM): what part of that don't you udnerstand
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:07 PM): right now i don't know
Alanwaitwhat (11:12:08 PM): you're so trapped into this way of thinking, that its not going to work out
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:10 PM): i feel so trapped
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:18 PM): no i do think it could work out
Alanwaitwhat (11:12:23 PM): and thats what i been trying to tell you, i'm not putting you limits or setting you rules!
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:29 PM): but at this point in my life all i want is freedom
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:52 PM): i want to drive back to virginia so bad
OneWshfulthnker (11:12:53 PM): and i can't
Alanwaitwhat (11:12:57 PM): and i can't believe you're actging like this because you think that all you need is sex
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:00 PM): cause the military has me tied up here
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:05 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:11 PM): not everythign is about you
Alanwaitwhat (11:13:16 PM): it never is about me
Alanwaitwhat (11:13:18 PM): its YOU
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:20 PM): every part of my life i feel trapped
Alanwaitwhat (11:13:26 PM): its YOU and YOUR decisions thas why i care about you
OneWshfulthnker (11:13:28 PM): not jsut marriage
OneWshfulthnker (11:14:16 PM): i don't know why i'm not happy
OneWshfulthnker (11:14:19 PM): idon't
OneWshfulthnker (11:15:22 PM): i know you are trying really hard
OneWshfulthnker (11:15:45 PM): but i feel like we are going and wanting two competely different directions
OneWshfulthnker (11:15:53 PM): and i know you want to make me happy
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:07 PM): i just don't know if i can do that for you
Alanwaitwhat (11:16:16 PM): let me ask you this
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:20 PM): be this good wife
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:23 PM): i don't want kids
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:27 PM): i don't believe in god
OneWshfulthnker (11:16:34 PM): and i'm not a happy posi person
Alanwaitwhat (11:17:06 PM): you're jeopardizing all of this just because you miss fooling around
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:20 PM): no
Alanwaitwhat (11:17:23 PM): you're very immature and i feel sorry
Alanwaitwhat (11:17:34 PM): specially for putting me through marriage
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:35 PM): i miss the excitement of dating and meeting new people
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:43 PM): iknow i'm immature
OneWshfulthnker (11:17:47 PM): you don't have to tell me that
Alanwaitwhat (11:18:33 PM): i do to remind you of how fucked up these things that you're telling me are, its like i'm taking care of you now as your parent, i have to try to guide you through good decisions
Alanwaitwhat (11:18:47 PM): completelly opposite to things in monterey
OneWshfulthnker (11:19:10 PM): yup
OneWshfulthnker (11:19:14 PM): i can't disagree
OneWshfulthnker (11:19:34 PM): but as i was talking to my instuctor
OneWshfulthnker (11:20:13 PM): when you put people through these highly intense and stressful situations, they tend to act completley the opposite, and i'm exhibiting those exact qualities
OneWshfulthnker (11:20:27 PM): not to plead my case or anything
Alanwaitwhat (11:20:46 PM): you're pushing me away
Alanwaitwhat (11:20:59 PM): and its all you
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:06 PM): i'm pushing EVERYONE away
Alanwaitwhat (11:21:29 PM): how are you pushing everyone away and having someone that makes you have butterflies still talk to you
Alanwaitwhat (11:21:39 PM): you make no sense mamacita
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:44 PM): because
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:53 PM): after these three months
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:56 PM): i really dont' have to see him
OneWshfulthnker (11:21:59 PM): so that way
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:00 PM): really
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:02 PM): its done
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:09 PM): i can't explain it
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:21 PM): its like having the falsehood that i like someone
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:26 PM): kinda like with cally and tony
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:30 PM): its not goign to work out
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:34 PM): nor do i want it to
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:45 PM): its jsut something that almost makes me feel alive
OneWshfulthnker (11:22:56 PM): not jsut going through the motions like i do with you almost
OneWshfulthnker (11:23:01 PM): I DONT KNOW
OneWshfulthnker (11:23:06 PM): and i can't explain it
OneWshfulthnker (11:23:22 PM): its just really nice talking to someone who is the COMPLETE opposite of you
OneWshfulthnker (11:24:48 PM): and doesn't know anything about me
OneWshfulthnker (11:24:57 PM): and doesn't know how fucked up i really am
OneWshfulthnker (11:26:32 PM): ???
OneWshfulthnker (11:26:36 PM): are you even there?
Alanwaitwhat (11:26:40 PM): have been
OneWshfulthnker (11:26:53 PM): are you going to say anything?
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:15 PM): what do you want me to say?
OneWshfulthnker (11:27:19 PM): anything
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:27 PM): some dude wants to have something with my WIFE!!!!!!
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:33 PM): and he doesn't know shes married
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:43 PM): what the heck am i supposed to even say to that?!
Alanwaitwhat (11:27:51 PM): and she doesn't wanna tell him
OneWshfulthnker (11:27:54 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (11:27:59 PM): he does know i'm married
OneWshfulthnker (11:28:24 PM): so don't assume that he didn't know
Alanwaitwhat (11:28:56 PM): its sad to know that you're letting this happen and that you're very aware how much this hurts me
OneWshfulthnker (11:29:14 PM): at this point NOTHING IS HAPPENING
OneWshfulthnker (11:29:17 PM): its just talking
OneWshfulthnker (11:29:19 PM): and i like it alot
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:09 PM): i feel like i'm going through this crisis
Alanwaitwhat (11:30:25 PM): you're not the only one
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:45 PM): i don't deal well with commintment
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:53 PM): hence i have no idea why i got married
OneWshfulthnker (11:30:58 PM): and i should take it out on you
OneWshfulthnker (11:31:08 PM): its not your fault i'm an idiot\
OneWshfulthnker (11:31:47 PM): i really am going to bed
OneWshfulthnker (11:31:52 PM): i have less than 4 hours
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:03 PM): and i m even more upset and confused
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:14 PM): i'm not happy alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:15 PM): at all
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:24 PM): i don't want to bring you down
Alanwaitwhat (11:32:42 PM): you already did it don't worry about that part
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:56 PM): what....bring you down?
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:04 PM): i'm saying...as in life
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:15 PM): you feel like life should have all these goals and dreams
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:19 PM): i don't feel like that
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:22 PM): thats what this past 2 months have been feeling like!
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:38 PM): just drama and torture because you can't make up your mind
Alanwaitwhat (11:31:59 PM): and because you're surrounded by so many singles that what everyone does is just get fucked up and hook up
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:19 PM): not really alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:23 PM): thats a virginia thing
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:34 PM): here
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:39 PM): we get drunk and talk about lfie
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:42 PM): life
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:50 PM): and philosophy
OneWshfulthnker (11:32:53 PM): and religion
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:10 PM): and thats how you missinterpret the facts in life
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:24 PM): ?
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:41 PM): you're gettin drunk and talkin about life
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:49 PM): we aren't drunk all the time
Alanwaitwhat (11:33:54 PM): hows that smart thinking and good philosophy
OneWshfulthnker (11:33:56 PM): i shouldn't have said it like taht
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:10 PM): i've drank twice since i've been here
Alanwaitwhat (11:34:12 PM): you make no sense when you're in denial
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:21 PM): and that guy doesn't drink either
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:25 PM): i'm in denial?
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:27 PM): about what?
Alanwaitwhat (11:34:43 PM): no denial, but when you're confused or you mix what you stand for
OneWshfulthnker (11:34:44 PM): i'm not making sense cause i'm fucking half asleep!
Alanwaitwhat (11:35:04 PM): i told you i didn't want to end up in a bad not and you kept pushing it
Alanwaitwhat (11:35:09 PM): note*
OneWshfulthnker (11:35:23 PM): i get so easily frustrated withyou and i dont know why
Alanwaitwhat (11:35:44 PM): i think you just like me getting hurt
OneWshfulthnker (11:35:53 PM): ARE YOU SERIOUS?
OneWshfulthnker (11:35:55 PM): really
OneWshfulthnker (11:36:01 PM): cause that will piss meoff even more
Alanwaitwhat (11:36:02 PM): you have done this everytime we talked online
OneWshfulthnker (11:36:06 PM): i don't like to hurt people
Alanwaitwhat (11:36:22 PM): you take this off all on me
Alanwaitwhat (11:36:58 PM): and its cool at one point because i should know how you feel, but at the same time, you constantly remind me of the possibilities of not having success
OneWshfulthnker (11:37:31 PM): i'm trying to figure out who i am right now and it really fucking sucks that i have to constantly think about not hurting your feelings
Alanwaitwhat (11:37:36 PM): I'm not stupid and i know how to do the math and it shows a lot, you might not notice but
OneWshfulthnker (11:37:42 PM): or worrying if its the right decision
OneWshfulthnker (11:37:52 PM): what shows a lot?
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:09 PM): that you're constantly getting frustrated with me
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:18 PM): the other day you asked me if i took care of the cable box
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:28 PM): and you said "did you turn in the fucking cable shit?"
OneWshfulthnker (11:38:42 PM): no i didn't ask you like that
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:48 PM): before that you snapped on me by giving me a taste on reality when i litellrally had already had a job
OneWshfulthnker (11:38:56 PM): id on't curse unless i'm really frustrated
Alanwaitwhat (11:38:57 PM): i remember things better
OneWshfulthnker (11:39:51 PM): i feel like i can't tell you how i really feel most of the time
Alanwaitwhat (11:39:55 PM): and for some reason every single time, we talk, every time, you end up getting agitated, frustrated, and constantly remind me of how shitty everything with this other guys is
Alanwaitwhat (11:40:08 PM): why not?
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:12 PM): i don'tknow
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:24 PM): i just don't cause then i'll hurt your feelings
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:47 PM): and i feel like thats all i do lately anymore
Alanwaitwhat (11:40:48 PM): what did you have sex with someone or something?
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:52 PM): no
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:54 PM): but
OneWshfulthnker (11:40:55 PM): really
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:02 PM): I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIPT
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:04 PM): WITH ANYONE
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:07 PM): AT ALL
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:09 PM): ...
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:14 PM): i don't want to worry about caring for other people
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:23 PM): but i made this "promise" that i would
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:30 PM): its hard enough to care about me
Auto Response from Alanwaitwhat (11:41:30 PM): thats the final straw
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:34 PM): ALAN
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:36 PM): what
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:37 PM): come back
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:40 PM): don't leavfe
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:47 PM): you know what
OneWshfulthnker (11:41:50 PM): i'm telling you what i really feel and then you just leave?
Alanwaitwhat (11:41:58 PM): samantha listen to me
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:00 PM): I love you
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:03 PM): and i always will
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:19 PM): there are a million and one things that i will do for you
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:23 PM): but
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:44 PM): i won't let you step on me as if I am some little pet that you can sweet talk and then be mad at
Alanwaitwhat (11:42:53 PM): i also value my body and my well being
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:20 PM): and I really don't think is necesary for you to say the things that you say in a way that is pretty much considered cruel
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:26 PM): I love you and all
OneWshfulthnker (11:43:46 PM): all i'm saying is
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:47 PM): but i'm not going to put myself through that, sweetheart you got a lot to think about
Alanwaitwhat (11:43:50 PM): let me finish
OneWshfulthnker (11:43:52 PM): i cannot even take care
OneWshfulthnker (11:43:54 PM): ok
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:00 PM): as i was saying
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:05 PM): you got a lot to think about
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:12 PM): and i know you have asked me for space
Alanwaitwhat (11:44:24 PM): and i dont know what more you want
Alanwaitwhat (11:45:29 PM): and it hurts me to tell you that I really don't want to keep getting hurt anymore, so, talk to me when you're less frustrated and when you can actually keep a civilized conversation instead of just getting agitated and frustrated
Alanwaitwhat (11:46:09 PM): im here to listen to you, but i can only take so much, i 'm here to listen, but i'm not going to listen to you if all you're going to do is hurt me
Alanwaitwhat (11:46:45 PM): i'm never done wrong to you, i have always been there, and I honestly don't know whats going on in your head and I'll mind my own business and keep my head straight
Alanwaitwhat (11:47:42 PM): and i don't know why I'm paying for what you're going through, i really don't, i'm sorry to bail out on you, but you have said enough to me, at this point, i think i might need some space to only let myself heal
Alanwaitwhat (11:48:18 PM): while you're dealing with your issues in TX, I'll be still righ here, keeping faith, I love you
OneWshfulthnker (11:48:36 PM): so are you just leaving me?
Alanwaitwhat (11:48:39 PM): no
Alanwaitwhat (11:48:46 PM): you need to think about a lot of things
OneWshfulthnker (11:48:52 PM): so you don't want to talkt o me while i'm in texas?
Alanwaitwhat (11:49:26 PM): i don't want to talk to you until you can hold a steady and civilized conversation, all you do is get dffesnsive and agitated
Alanwaitwhat (11:49:35 PM): deffensive*
OneWshfulthnker (11:49:49 PM): i don't know when that will be, to be honest with you
Alanwaitwhat (11:51:01 PM): ...let me know when you grow up mamacita, you have my # and hopefully i'm still under hubby<3 or alan<3
OneWshfulthnker (11:51:25 PM): so
OneWshfulthnker (11:51:37 PM): you want me to let you know when i grow up?
OneWshfulthnker (11:51:44 PM): cause that could be the day before never
Alanwaitwhat (11:53:33 PM): you'll know when to get a hold of me, not necesarily when you grow up, and i meant siritually
Alanwaitwhat (11:53:39 PM): spiritually*
OneWshfulthnker (11:53:53 PM): i'm not spiritual
Alanwaitwhat (11:53:53 PM): because you're just doing me more harm than been there for me
OneWshfulthnker (11:53:58 PM): i'm confused
OneWshfulthnker (11:54:37 PM): this feels like a break up
Alanwaitwhat (11:54:45 PM): i'm not breaking up with you
Alanwaitwhat (11:55:00 PM): i just refused to talk to you when all you're goingn to do is try to bring me down
Alanwaitwhat (11:55:15 PM): and in order to take care of you i have to care of myself
Alanwaitwhat (11:55:25 PM): and i'm not going to feel like shit all the time
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:36 PM): alright
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:37 PM): well
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:42 PM): i'm going to bed
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:48 PM): now with less than 4 hours
OneWshfulthnker (11:55:52 PM): fantastic
Alanwaitwhat (11:56:05 PM): you chose to
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:10 PM): iknow
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:17 PM): i'm not being sarcastic to you
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:25 PM): i just wish i didn't stay up so late
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:52 PM): well i'll call you when i "grow up" or whatever
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:56 PM): i love you
OneWshfulthnker (11:56:57 PM): goodnight
Alanwaitwhat (11:57:00 PM): be more erious about it
OneWshfulthnker (11:57:05 PM): i am
OneWshfulthnker (11:57:17 PM): i just don't know what else to say
OneWshfulthnker went away at 11:57:29 PM.
Alanwaitwhat (11:57:42 PM): you're not funny samantha, you're really not funny
OneWshfulthnker (11:57:49 PM): i'm not trying to be
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:00 PM): i just really don't know what else to say alan
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:22 PM): you tell me to call you when i grow up
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:33 PM): or become more spiritual about this whole thing
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:35 PM): i understand
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:43 PM): so i'll just talk to you when i sort some shit out
OneWshfulthnker (11:58:53 PM): but i honestly don't know when that is going to be
Alanwaitwhat (11:59:43 PM): you're tmissinterpreting everything i said
OneWshfulthnker (11:59:55 PM): i'm not even being sarcastic!
Alanwaitwhat (12:00:36 AM): and by that i meant, when you want to have a conversation where you won't argue, get agitated or frustrated call me, till then, i choose to not get hurt because thats all you're doing
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:02 AM): and i'm saying i don't know when that is going to be
Alanwaitwhat (12:01:42 AM): well this is the perfect time for you to make those mistakes you've always wanted, if thats what you want
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:51 AM): what?
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:52 AM): alan
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:53 AM): really
OneWshfulthnker (12:01:56 AM): i'm going to bed
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:06 AM): this is getting somewhat borderline ridiculous
Alanwaitwhat (12:02:19 AM): welcome to everyday of my life
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:35 AM): sometimes you act like I don't have it hard either
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:45 AM): its not like everything is hunky dory here
Alanwaitwhat (12:02:50 AM): and you act as if i don'tknow what you're groing through
OneWshfulthnker (12:02:57 AM): ok
OneWshfulthnker (12:03:00 AM): i'm stopping this shit
OneWshfulthnker (12:03:02 AM): goodnight
Alanwaitwhat (12:03:08 AM): peace
life is looking lovely right now