1-20-2010
on the 20th of January a brother and mentor of mine passed from this life for his failure to survive it.
not many knew him in this life, not many connected with him, in a conversation with his surviving girlfriend and lover she told me how he felt about our friendship, his love for me and his interest in my life- having just heard how he died yesterday and not knowing how to assimilate it i dont know how to feel. worse i dont know many people who left such a strong impression on me, i am ashamed of the life we all live in this community that something like this could happen and no one could see it before, that no one had the strength to overpower someones will to die. but i know i should feel proud that we let him finish his life the way he intended. fuck liber oz it just doesnt seem right.
i dont even know why it hurts to think ill never argue or agree with the man again, most of all knowing how he lived, maybe this was better but i cant help but feel like if this was intentional will to end his life then i dont think i belong here with anyone who thinks this was a 'right action'. i dont think i can abide a life lived to overcome pain ended to make a pitiful point that could have be resolved... of all the things to survive i cant abide a strong man who could not survive his own desires and self pity- how can you end something spectacular with something to be ashamed of. i dont know. i wanted to mark this in public. not many people know who im talking about and i wish there was some way to hide who it was because DAMN HIM this is something he would be ashamed of. i wanted to keep this quiet but i dont know how to come to terms with the pain i feel, i dont know why i feel any pain at all over this. 'any pain is more pain then he deserved' i keep thinking this to let go of it. but then that doesnt change how i feel about this, fuck. fuck him for this, he knew better. idk whatever
not many knew him in this life, not many connected with him, in a conversation with his surviving girlfriend and lover she told me how he felt about our friendship, his love for me and his interest in my life- having just heard how he died yesterday and not knowing how to assimilate it i dont know how to feel. worse i dont know many people who left such a strong impression on me, i am ashamed of the life we all live in this community that something like this could happen and no one could see it before, that no one had the strength to overpower someones will to die. but i know i should feel proud that we let him finish his life the way he intended. fuck liber oz it just doesnt seem right.
i dont even know why it hurts to think ill never argue or agree with the man again, most of all knowing how he lived, maybe this was better but i cant help but feel like if this was intentional will to end his life then i dont think i belong here with anyone who thinks this was a 'right action'. i dont think i can abide a life lived to overcome pain ended to make a pitiful point that could have be resolved... of all the things to survive i cant abide a strong man who could not survive his own desires and self pity- how can you end something spectacular with something to be ashamed of. i dont know. i wanted to mark this in public. not many people know who im talking about and i wish there was some way to hide who it was because DAMN HIM this is something he would be ashamed of. i wanted to keep this quiet but i dont know how to come to terms with the pain i feel, i dont know why i feel any pain at all over this. 'any pain is more pain then he deserved' i keep thinking this to let go of it. but then that doesnt change how i feel about this, fuck. fuck him for this, he knew better. idk whatever