(no subject)
Today at Chili's everyone was reminiscing about old Stephen. The Stephen who would flip out and start punching David Carter that one day. Or just snap and start smashing plates on the floor one at a time (Billy said he feared for his life that day ^_^). And while I guess I'm glad that person is more or less behind me, I kind of miss it sometimes. Because I was feeling things so damn passionately. And somehow I felt safe. It was like I wasn't even in the same world that I am now. I guess to other people I still seem like the same person. Though really in my mind it wasn't even Stephen who was doing those things. It was Sarah or Edward or someone. Though even Sarah has calmed down a lot, and doesn't take me over like that very often anymore. And I still try to pretend Ed doesn't exist. But it was so different back then. I existed in this world, but I wasn't aware of it. I was all alone. And there was safety in that isolation. And now that I'm moving past that, letting people into my life, allowing myself to experience things and actually live my life, it's terrifying at times. It's exhausting and stressful and unknown and sometimes I just wish I could go back to when it was just me and Sarah and all my thoughts were contained. And I wanted to die. ... meh. I know things are better, and they're getting better every day. I just kinda needed to get that out.