(no subject)

[baochan]

I just want to feel something passionately. I need something in my life. And now I'm getting all nostalgic for when I was a teenager and was depressed. Because at least I could feel something. But I know that's a lie. Because I'm depressed now. Hell I should know what it feels like by this point. It feels terrible. But there's something about it that's addictive, that makes you think you're better off feeling this way. It's like there's something so important that you just can't put your finger on, it's just out of reach and you feel like if you keep searching you'll find it. But you never do. You just get worse and worse and can't enjoy anything and start thinking of ways to just end it all. I don't know what I need right now though. I need to change something though, I can't go on like this. I need something new in my life. And something involving people. That's a must. ...

There's an astronomy club meeting tomorrow night. I'm thinking of blowing off character making at Rhys' to go. I don't know which one would be better. God dammit I hate this feeling. And yet it feels so comfortable and right. Like I'm on the right track. Even though I know I'm spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do.