Oh, that's it.
You.
Up until this point, I've been as patient with you as I can be, and I've been careful enough to be open and tell you why I haven't talked to you in awhile and why I think the way I do. I've even cared about how you were and made an effort not only to take an interest in you but also (despite how resistant you were to it) offer suggestions that you might be able to take to dig yourself out of the pit of misery you seem to constantly be in.
But this time, when I just found out that for the second time in a month, you've tried to convince one of my closest friends that I'm a terrible person, I've decided that a virtual bitchslapping is in order.
I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but way to add to the pile of shit I have to deal with as it is. Aside from my workload and constant anger, depression, and lack of sleep for the past week, you have to go and talk trash about me (trash which is either out of context or complete bullshit) to not one but two of my closest friends.
Allow me to set the record straight, here.
1. I did not tell you that "self-harming is all in your head" and that "you need to suck it up." I said that you need to stop confronting every piece of advice I offer with hostility and protest. The reason why is because that was 90% of all of our goddamn conversations back then (read: half a year ago) -- the constant "my life is TERRIBLE but all I want is virtual hugs" bit, I mean. I didn't know what the hell you wanted. You didn't seem to want me to speak except to give you a *hug* line every now and then, but unfortunately, I'm not that kind of person, if you actually bothered to learn a single fucking thing about me. When a friend is hurt, I do my best to make it better, not pat you on the head and feed you attention. This makes you look like you're fishing for attention just because you were so resistant just to go to therapy for your problems. That and you wrote off all the people around you as being unworthy of you. (Remember your comment about how your college's anime club was just a bunch of elitist nerds? How much of an effort did you spend trying to get to know any of them, anyway?)
2. Where the fuck did you get the idea that I didn't want to have anything to do with Astinus after we broke up? No, seriously. I'm curious because if I recall correctly, I had at least one emo post in which I said I was going to just back off and see what happens.
3. Speaking of outright lies, when was there a troll harassing you on the BBS's chat, and when did I permaban that kid? Because that never happened. It would be difficult for it to happen, considering I'VE ONLY BEEN ON MY OWN CHAT SERVER ONCE THIS ENTIRE MONTH. And when I was for all of one time, I didn't do anything mod-like except ban someone who was annoying everyone. (Dani wasn't even in there at that time.)
4. Speaking of Dani, yes, we had sex. No, it wasn't in the shower, and no, we didn't go into great detail about it. I didn't even mention it in my journal because I didn't want to feel like an attention whore about my sexuality. Where the fuck did you find that magical post where I went into great detail about sexual escapades in the shower? 'Cause I'm genuinely interested in knowing what kind of crack I'm on to not be able to find it in my own journal.
5. Speaking of Dani again, but telling her that I was ignoring you for months? Really now? When all I got was a PM from you a half a week before you started whining to her about how I'm OMG IGNORING YOU. And, incidentally, the reason why I didn't respond was because I was busy with other projects (including and especially schoolwork) and would only be online for the people who would kick my ass into actually working. Astinus is one of them, as is Dani. So, no, I wasn't ignoring you because I was upset. I was putting off replying until I could give you a spare moment.
6. If I hate anyone, I usually make it pretty fucking clear. Like I am right now. You see how I'm making this all clear by my tone and my language? This is what I sound like when I'm pissed off.
7. And you really want to know what the definition of friendship is? And, for that matter, how to piss me off? Friendship is a matter of trust -- the kind of relationship where I don't have to worry about you running off and talking smack about me behind my back so that my other friends hate me. Also, friendship is not having to deal with the aftermath of those stupid rumors. You know, this is the third time I've found out you've been spreading lies about me behind my back and the second time one of my friends came to me crying because they were confused.
Look, I'm sorry that you're not feeling well, but right now, I'm in the middle of something big. I really don't want to deal with drama, and you seem to be well enough to stir it. Not to mention you've pretty much raped my very simple requirements that I ask for from my friends. (I just require one thing, and that's for you to show me I can trust you.) I was going to give you my address after I was completely done. In fact, I was going to fill out my address book beyond all of three people, but way to go, kid. You've just proven that I can't trust you and that you're willing to go out of your way to make my life even more interesting.
So fuck you. I don't care what your other friends have to say about me after this point. When you've hurt my friends and when you've tried calling yourself a friend to me while spreading lies behind my back, I'm going to feel more than justified in saying that you're on my shitlist and will have to work your way off it. You didn't change, kid, and I'm not impressed.
If you want to say something to me, you say it directly to my face. Are you hurt by something I said? Do you have a problem with me? You tell me right out because I'm not a psychic, and you leave the line of communication open. In other words, tell me and not my friends. I'm sick and tired of having to hear about how much I've upset you when my friends come to me and ask me if all the vicious things you said about me were true. All this bullshit behind my back isn't going to be a good way to get on my good side, and you would have learned that by now if you actually paid attention to my past posts and read what I had to say on the matter. In the meantime, you told me once that people tend to leave you. Well, using them for sympathy and then bullshitting behind their backs is a damn good way to make them leave. You want me to be your friend? You fucking show me that I can trust you. Don't just say it.
Now, if you're wondering why this is on LJ instead of via PMs, it's so everything's out in the open. I don't want you bullshitting to anyone else about this because it seems like you have a fun little habit of doing that. On top of that, I want to see if you actually read this, and I want your comments right here. If you've got the balls to give me a reason why I shouldn't take you off every friends list I have, go right ahead. Otherwise, get the hell away from my friends.
Up until this point, I've been as patient with you as I can be, and I've been careful enough to be open and tell you why I haven't talked to you in awhile and why I think the way I do. I've even cared about how you were and made an effort not only to take an interest in you but also (despite how resistant you were to it) offer suggestions that you might be able to take to dig yourself out of the pit of misery you seem to constantly be in.
But this time, when I just found out that for the second time in a month, you've tried to convince one of my closest friends that I'm a terrible person, I've decided that a virtual bitchslapping is in order.
I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but way to add to the pile of shit I have to deal with as it is. Aside from my workload and constant anger, depression, and lack of sleep for the past week, you have to go and talk trash about me (trash which is either out of context or complete bullshit) to not one but two of my closest friends.
Allow me to set the record straight, here.
1. I did not tell you that "self-harming is all in your head" and that "you need to suck it up." I said that you need to stop confronting every piece of advice I offer with hostility and protest. The reason why is because that was 90% of all of our goddamn conversations back then (read: half a year ago) -- the constant "my life is TERRIBLE but all I want is virtual hugs" bit, I mean. I didn't know what the hell you wanted. You didn't seem to want me to speak except to give you a *hug* line every now and then, but unfortunately, I'm not that kind of person, if you actually bothered to learn a single fucking thing about me. When a friend is hurt, I do my best to make it better, not pat you on the head and feed you attention. This makes you look like you're fishing for attention just because you were so resistant just to go to therapy for your problems. That and you wrote off all the people around you as being unworthy of you. (Remember your comment about how your college's anime club was just a bunch of elitist nerds? How much of an effort did you spend trying to get to know any of them, anyway?)
2. Where the fuck did you get the idea that I didn't want to have anything to do with Astinus after we broke up? No, seriously. I'm curious because if I recall correctly, I had at least one emo post in which I said I was going to just back off and see what happens.
3. Speaking of outright lies, when was there a troll harassing you on the BBS's chat, and when did I permaban that kid? Because that never happened. It would be difficult for it to happen, considering I'VE ONLY BEEN ON MY OWN CHAT SERVER ONCE THIS ENTIRE MONTH. And when I was for all of one time, I didn't do anything mod-like except ban someone who was annoying everyone. (Dani wasn't even in there at that time.)
4. Speaking of Dani, yes, we had sex. No, it wasn't in the shower, and no, we didn't go into great detail about it. I didn't even mention it in my journal because I didn't want to feel like an attention whore about my sexuality. Where the fuck did you find that magical post where I went into great detail about sexual escapades in the shower? 'Cause I'm genuinely interested in knowing what kind of crack I'm on to not be able to find it in my own journal.
5. Speaking of Dani again, but telling her that I was ignoring you for months? Really now? When all I got was a PM from you a half a week before you started whining to her about how I'm OMG IGNORING YOU. And, incidentally, the reason why I didn't respond was because I was busy with other projects (including and especially schoolwork) and would only be online for the people who would kick my ass into actually working. Astinus is one of them, as is Dani. So, no, I wasn't ignoring you because I was upset. I was putting off replying until I could give you a spare moment.
6. If I hate anyone, I usually make it pretty fucking clear. Like I am right now. You see how I'm making this all clear by my tone and my language? This is what I sound like when I'm pissed off.
7. And you really want to know what the definition of friendship is? And, for that matter, how to piss me off? Friendship is a matter of trust -- the kind of relationship where I don't have to worry about you running off and talking smack about me behind my back so that my other friends hate me. Also, friendship is not having to deal with the aftermath of those stupid rumors. You know, this is the third time I've found out you've been spreading lies about me behind my back and the second time one of my friends came to me crying because they were confused.
Look, I'm sorry that you're not feeling well, but right now, I'm in the middle of something big. I really don't want to deal with drama, and you seem to be well enough to stir it. Not to mention you've pretty much raped my very simple requirements that I ask for from my friends. (I just require one thing, and that's for you to show me I can trust you.) I was going to give you my address after I was completely done. In fact, I was going to fill out my address book beyond all of three people, but way to go, kid. You've just proven that I can't trust you and that you're willing to go out of your way to make my life even more interesting.
So fuck you. I don't care what your other friends have to say about me after this point. When you've hurt my friends and when you've tried calling yourself a friend to me while spreading lies behind my back, I'm going to feel more than justified in saying that you're on my shitlist and will have to work your way off it. You didn't change, kid, and I'm not impressed.
If you want to say something to me, you say it directly to my face. Are you hurt by something I said? Do you have a problem with me? You tell me right out because I'm not a psychic, and you leave the line of communication open. In other words, tell me and not my friends. I'm sick and tired of having to hear about how much I've upset you when my friends come to me and ask me if all the vicious things you said about me were true. All this bullshit behind my back isn't going to be a good way to get on my good side, and you would have learned that by now if you actually paid attention to my past posts and read what I had to say on the matter. In the meantime, you told me once that people tend to leave you. Well, using them for sympathy and then bullshitting behind their backs is a damn good way to make them leave. You want me to be your friend? You fucking show me that I can trust you. Don't just say it.
Now, if you're wondering why this is on LJ instead of via PMs, it's so everything's out in the open. I don't want you bullshitting to anyone else about this because it seems like you have a fun little habit of doing that. On top of that, I want to see if you actually read this, and I want your comments right here. If you've got the balls to give me a reason why I shouldn't take you off every friends list I have, go right ahead. Otherwise, get the hell away from my friends.