(no subject)

[banquier]

a good friend once told me
"you can train your mind
to believe that you're okay.
that you look fine
act fine
feel fine.
your mind will associate those feelings
into your every day life and soon you'll feel better.
you will feel okay.
you are okay!"

some days i look at myself
my body more importantly
and wonder how i got here.
i work so
incredibly
hard to sculpt
and mold
create defined lines and cuts
muscles and a strong core
and now i let it go?
over what?
quitting smoking.
gaining weight
losing muscle... all that glorious muscle i obtained
by killing my lungs
filling my throat with smoke and tar.

i want my body back.