Sep 09, 2003 23:03
It's so easy to be comfortable being someone else. I can look at 3-4 people I respect, find qualities about them that I have or can emulate and feel decent about myself. But can I really feel good about myself, without comparing myself to someone or putting someone else down? No. At this moment I cannot. I can feel good about myself when I excel beyond the expectations of the people I respect. But I can't even set a goal for myself without comparing that goal with someone else's achievements or expectations. When it really comes down to it, my entire life has been spent trying to impress people. I feel good when I know other people think highly of me. It doesn't matter when I accomplish something if I think it's good or not- even if nobody else knows about it. I always think about what someone else would think of it.
My job is tough on me. I have to exude confidence and professionalism. I have a pretty realistic self image. I know I'm pretty smart and I can figure most things out. But I also know that there are a lot of people out there who know a lot more than I do about certain subjects. It's really hard for me to go into a place and bang my head against a wall figuring out a problem that someone else could solve in 5 minutes. Someone who is "good" at this job would make it seem normal- but me, I'm too honest. So I fumble and look stupid, and that hurts inside. There are at least three ways to deal with those situations. The first one is to bluff. I can do that, but I don't like it, and it makes me more dumber. The second way is to say that I don't know how to do it but that I'll work on it. The third way is to say that I don't know how to do it, and that I'll have someone else help me with it. The middle one is really the best, for me.. some customers make it hard, but most of them are understanding. It's just super hard for me to do that and maintain the right level of confidence-exudity and professionalismness.
eh.. too tired to finish..i swear there were some coherant thoughts in there when I started. sorry about what it became.