Lazy days off
Those are easily the best days of all. It's not as though my life is terribly strenuous. At least I don't think it is. I'm just generally oblivious to most things that go on around me and I have a tendency to work myself up about a lot of things that don't really matter.
I've been sort of angsty lately, feeling a bit afraid that I'm somehow missing things. It's a bit weird to explain. I just sort of stare out windows and mentally drift off, thinking about some other life that has nothing to do with my own. It also is not helping a whole lot that I've been having some erratic dreams lately. Deep down, I think I just want to disappear from everything, and reappear in an entirely different set of circumstances.
I realize that I haven't exactly spent much time with you all since, I don't know, way back in the day and that I have a reputation for being fairly emotional and all, but lately I just haven't had it in me to do anything more than just grit my teeth and push myself along. Ideally, this will see me through the storms of uncertainty. Where does it end though? That's the pertinent issue.
Really, I only check this thing every so often as a brief way of reminding myself that there are others out there that view me as someone other than Rob. There are no foolish notions in my mind that you all think of me more than once every couple of weeks, and I'm sure that when you all do it's probably not in lights that I'd really want to be thought of.
But, it's comforting to know that at some degree we remain in each other on a slight level. I honestly enjoy the very thought that at some point on some given afternoon one of you will drift off into subconscious and I'll cross it as some memory embedded inside you. For some reason it makes me think that anything is permanent, and that we all had something at some point. And, what we had was not terrifically profound, nor intellectual, but entirely genuine.
What we had was something that only exists at the ages that we were at and it was entirely truthful, regardless of the feelings that came with what it was.
The last trip down I got really depressed after I left because I finally accepted that we've all become far different from what we used to be. Obviously, there's nothing 'wrong' about that in the typical, black and white sense. It's a bit numbing, if anything at all. I just see us all giving in to something that we somehow swore silently we never would give in to.
And, no degree of honesty really changes what lives on in our hearts. Even though I'm troubled by what we've all let ourselves become, I'll keep checking this as if keeping some vigil by candle, hoping to briefly see a spark of something that pulled us all together in the first place. We've all got our memories, though. And that's better than nothing.
Thanks for being there. I just wish I was a good enough man to return the favor beyond my own personal bias'.
I've been sort of angsty lately, feeling a bit afraid that I'm somehow missing things. It's a bit weird to explain. I just sort of stare out windows and mentally drift off, thinking about some other life that has nothing to do with my own. It also is not helping a whole lot that I've been having some erratic dreams lately. Deep down, I think I just want to disappear from everything, and reappear in an entirely different set of circumstances.
I realize that I haven't exactly spent much time with you all since, I don't know, way back in the day and that I have a reputation for being fairly emotional and all, but lately I just haven't had it in me to do anything more than just grit my teeth and push myself along. Ideally, this will see me through the storms of uncertainty. Where does it end though? That's the pertinent issue.
Really, I only check this thing every so often as a brief way of reminding myself that there are others out there that view me as someone other than Rob. There are no foolish notions in my mind that you all think of me more than once every couple of weeks, and I'm sure that when you all do it's probably not in lights that I'd really want to be thought of.
But, it's comforting to know that at some degree we remain in each other on a slight level. I honestly enjoy the very thought that at some point on some given afternoon one of you will drift off into subconscious and I'll cross it as some memory embedded inside you. For some reason it makes me think that anything is permanent, and that we all had something at some point. And, what we had was not terrifically profound, nor intellectual, but entirely genuine.
What we had was something that only exists at the ages that we were at and it was entirely truthful, regardless of the feelings that came with what it was.
The last trip down I got really depressed after I left because I finally accepted that we've all become far different from what we used to be. Obviously, there's nothing 'wrong' about that in the typical, black and white sense. It's a bit numbing, if anything at all. I just see us all giving in to something that we somehow swore silently we never would give in to.
And, no degree of honesty really changes what lives on in our hearts. Even though I'm troubled by what we've all let ourselves become, I'll keep checking this as if keeping some vigil by candle, hoping to briefly see a spark of something that pulled us all together in the first place. We've all got our memories, though. And that's better than nothing.
Thanks for being there. I just wish I was a good enough man to return the favor beyond my own personal bias'.