Family curse
I'm sad today. Still. My love is gone and has found someone new, but I'm still in love with her. So this anguish goes unreciprocated. She said alot of mean things about me too that were untrue so that makes things even worse today. She's the only person besides my sisters and mom that can realy hurt me with words. She's always been able to do that. I know what it's like to be in her position. It's happened to me before. Either she got tired of the stress and had to find someone new or her life is changing and her flavor has changed as well. I understand both. It's just tough having to hang on to this relationship for so long to find out the other person is the weaker one.
One of the things I would never do to anybody is cheat on them. Loyalty has always been the guiding factor in my life. This quality is taken after my dad. But loyalty isn't always rewarded.
There also came a realization that there might be something wrong with me. Something about my family. No one's been able to keep down a real relationship. Something about my dad makes it so that women leave him after a few years. They become jaded. Something about him has transferred onto me. I have the same problem. I think it has to do with the amount of stress we cause. After a while, even the strongest love fails.
He's now in his mid 50s and recently divorced, again. He was coming over and staying here during the weekends, but I guess he figured that his kids don't really need him anymore so he stopped coming over.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to live alone and unwanted. I don't want to ever be divorced. I don't want to ever lose a lover. All you need is love right?
It's just so hard to get through this thick head of mine that her love for me is over. It was so strong. Her devotion to me was unwavering. And I neglected it.
This mistake will never happen again, I promise that.
It's almost 2 months now since she left. This time, I'm not going to replace her with someone new. There's still too much that needs to be learned and fixed with my life. But this is gonna cause problems. This will probably mean that my depression will linger on longer than usual. The loneliness will just sit there eating away, every morning.
I can't say it's completely my fault. There were just so many factors in the way from the very beginning. Our age difference, the distance between us, our financial situations, our dreams, our family difference, our cultural difference, our needs for companionship were different, our future still uncertain. There were too many things to push away and just concentrate on us alone. Everything was in the way. And somewhere along the line months ago... we grew apart. And even worse... I said alot of unnecessary things. Stupid things that just made things worse. That's why I should keep my mouth shut when these things happen. I always say things that I don't mean and it makes others see me for something that I'm truly not.
Yes I'm a sex fiend... but not promiscuous. I can't just sleep around with randoms. In fact, even with our age difference, I've only had sex with 1 more person than she has. But I'm sure by now. It's tied.