Ugh
TELLIN YOU RIGHT NOW - ADULT CONTENT, IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ IT, GO PLAY A FACEBOOK GAME OR SOMETHING.
Yeah, bitching about my sex life... or lack of again. Back to begging for sex and getting knocked back - why the hell do I keep doing this to myself, or rather maybe rejections shouldn't hurt anymore but it does....
I mean ok, I left him alone when he was working really really hard, because he was so tired I don't know how he ate dinner when he got home, but the hours seem more reasonable now. But does that mean I get any affection... hellz NO. The last 2 times I have had sex were because I made it happen, if I han't of, it would of been at least a month with nothing. I mean I would have sex every night and probably more than once if I could, but once a week?? Is that too much to ask??
The thing that probably shits me the most about all this is, when he couldn't do anything because he was getting tested he BITCHED and MOANED the whole friggen time, and it was for like 5 days tops.... HE BITCHED BECAUSE HE COULDNT GET OFF FOR 5 DAYS. Yet I routinely go up to at least 14 days with NOTHING. So fuck him. Yeah.
Last night, after letting him sleep for most of the night... I couldn't sleep, he finally wakes up around midnight, and it was probably because I was rubbing his back and stuff. So he gets up and goes to the bathroom, and whatever, thats normal but then he doesn't come back to bed OH NO he goes to leave. I'm like "Where are you going?" and hes "I'm gonna go and watch some tv, you can come if you want" I was "No, I dun wanna watch TV, but I can think of something else I would like to do" and he fucking looks at me and fucking GROANS "I'm not really interested" I rolled over and he left.... fucker
WHY THE FUCK CANT HE MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT? I mean shit, its not like he wanted to sleep or anything...
And it actually hurt, more than I care to show. I don't know what the fuck I need to do to make him want me, if I complain he'll give in and have sex with me, like tomorrow night or something, and then I feel like hes only doing it because I complained and not because he wants to, I don't want sex because he feels obligated, I want it because he wants it, but then I know that I will go and do anything for any sex because I'm pathetic and crave sex.
And I want to have kids with this man, fuck how stupid am I... sometimes I wonder if I would of been better off with a man that maybe would of make me more miserable but wanted more sex.
Been having FUCKED up dreams about Geoff again.... the other night I was angry because he was getting married to some girl because he felt obligated to and I didn't want him to do that, and it was stupid because it wasn't like I wanted him or anything, it was because I didn't want him to do something fucking stupid and marry this girl that he didn't love but just had sex with one time so he felt obligated to marry her.
Before I had that dream tho I had one where some slut had stolen him off me and I wanted him back, and I took him... I took him from her and had him.
I need to stop having sex dreams about my ex.... its been how long?
plus I'm married
and I love my husband
At least last night I dream't that Scott and I had gotten married but we wasn't allowed to tell anyone cuz they would be really angry.... at least I dreamt I was with the right man, but I really need to stop reading Twilight.... yeah I know.... TWILIGHT, but I can't help myself.... its pathetic and Bella is fucking annoying, but maybe its the pathetic love thing they have going on.... maybe its just cuz I want to feel like someone needs me so bad they can't and wont live without me....
I don't want to be here, I don't want to be awake.... I wish I was home in Adelaide or even a teenager again in Perth, back when life was easy.