Yeah thats just great...
OK, so after suffering a horrible mood all weekend because 1. My guild is dying and I can't stop it 2.MY GUILD IS DYING 3. I had a stupid argument with a guildie/friend 4. My parents FORGOT to call me AGAIN and then 5. I swapped toons to help out on Wow only to be told when I logged in that I wasn't needed anymore. The last one was minor, but it just was the last straw for me, I do nice things, not because I want praise, not because I want people to like me, just because I like to help, but then to be told that I'm not needed, its just a slap in the face and when your already down it just hurts more than it should.
So turns out my parents didn't forget me, but didn't have their PC so couldn't although they could of called me on the normal phone, or told Amanda to message me in Wow or even used Gma & Gpa's computer to at least send me an e-mail telling me they won't be there. Its not like I have anything to talk to them about, its more, they can't even bother to remember me..... I don't know why it bothers me, they hardly ever contacted me when I lived in Adelaide and it didn't bother me, I guess now its like they were making an effort, and I was making an effort and then they forget about me. Normally it wouldn't bother me so much, but lately.... I am just so home sick and sad, I just want to go home and have life be normal.
Now I have had a stupid fight with Scott about stuff and so I am up, when I should be in bed so I can wake up in time incase my mum actually remembers to ring me, I so wanted to tell them to "Not bother and leave me alone" but I just can't do that..... and so, I feel like the good natured door mat once again, hoping and waiting and getting trodden on all again..... and then bash myself up asking WHY DO I DO THIS OVER AND OVER, WHY DON'T I LEARN??
I am starting to feel like this therapy with Jerry is bullshit..... I don't know what hes getting at, its like I have all the tools right there to cope with life and just as I am about to reach it, I stumble and fall and then hes frustrated or I'm frustrated and I just want to curl up and die. I had hope last week, thinking maybe I just need a life out of the house. Be friends with Sharman and go over to her house and stuff, but then I lack the will to do it, I would feel like I would become a burden to her, like an annoying person who hangs around and won't leave.... I feel like that so much, like I just don't fit and am a burden to the people I am around.
Then I have a stupid fight with Scott about compliments of all things. He's pissed at me because every time he compliments me I will say something stupid, and often insulting back to him. Compliments make me feel awkward and making a stupid job or brushing them aside makes me feel better, not in a "Oh I feel better" way in a "Oh I don't feel awkward anymore" way.
I never mean the stupid/mean things and I thought he knew it and was cool with it, but tonight he got all offended by it. So when I ask him what he expects from me hes all "I just won't compliment you anymore". I don't know what to do with a compliment.... I tried to explain to him why I do what I do, but he just won't accept that but also won't tell me what he wants from me. I could just not say anything, but then it feels really awkward and the few times I have not said anything he always comments on that. The few times I say things like "Thanks" or "I know" (not the best thing, but I have to say something) hes all "Oh so I don't get anything back?" To me its the most stupid thing in the world to say something to a person just because they said it to you. If someone says " I Love You" I'm not gonna say it back unless I mean it, otherwise it just doesn't mean anything, its just a parrot thing that you do automatically with no feeling. I mean sure when he says that to me I always, well unless I am really pissed and not feeling the love, say it back, and thats ok, because I mean it. But he keeps telling me I'm Sexy and Hot and stuff, things that I don't beleive about myself anyway, so I don't know what to say back to that..... its not a time when saying that he's Sexy for Hot back to him would even make sense... and saying "Thanks" just feels stupid because I don't believe it, so normally I make a dumb joke like "You must be blind" or "Good thing I don't mind that your damaged" back because I'm feeling uncomfortable with what he just said to me.
Its like bashing my head on a brick wall, because I have told him, it doesn't mean anything to tell me that when I can't believe it, saying it over and over won't magically make me believe it.
If he would just TELL ME what he wants, I could at least attempt to make things better by trying.... but he won't tell me, and I can't sleep when we are pissed/annoyed at each other. So now hes all offended and I couldn't make it better, because I didn't know how, and also more than a little miffed at him, I mean I always respond like that, I'm always saying dumb stuff to him and hes not usually offended. I think maybe somethings going on with him and hes not telling me. I can't help but worry that its the gaining thing rearing its head once again, and I am starting to be suspicious of everything he does. Just a little thing like saying "Well I would like that poster" when I was laughing at a poster with 2 sumo guys on it makes me wonder, what the heck is going on? Has he started again and I don't know about it..... I don't want to get back to not trusting him and being so depressed that I want to die because whats hes doing is killing me, but it just seems like hes reverting back to some of his old ways.... and I don't know what to say or do to find out, since the direct approach doesn't seem to work with him, and hes gonna be pissed if I wake him up at 4am because I want to talk....
I really need to sleep, but I am never gonna get there while I am this keyed up..
at the same time silently mad that hes not dealing with this the way I would, if he got up clearly upset, I would follow him and get to the bottom of it, not just heave a sigh, roll over and go to sleep.... as I suspect he has done.