Oct 28, 2004 00:41
Nobody’s going to read this, I know that
So im going to write everything from the beginning just to get it all out of my system and to make me stop being upset. Maybe it will work, maybe it wont. Let’s give it a go.
I went to this concert a year and over four months ago. Because of this boy. I went with my really good friend dana. We were shy and didn’t talk to anybody, we stuck out like sore thumbs because everybody there was from a different town and it was in the middle of summer when everyone we knew was away. So we danced with eachother and pretended there was no one around watching us. She thought one of the boys dancing was cute. She was too shy to do anything though, and I had no reason to approach him. Eventually we all ended up talking and became friendly.
And blahdeeblahblahblah who cares about that part.
All you need to know is I became good friends with one kid.
And I was really bored online one night
Very bored
And I guess so was everybody else that was a big enough loser to be online at 3am.
His friend imed me, I was too tired to care. One thing you have to know about me is that, that summer…i was a real bitch. After that night, his friend continued to talk to me. His name was chris. He had the most obvious screen name, so unoriginal. But despite that I still asked him his name. We talked and im not sure why but even though I didn’t know him I felt comfortable sharing things with him. Every day he’d ask me how my day was. I’de tell him, but I’de make it very simple and short. He’d ask me to elaborate and I did. He always wanted to know, he really cared and I was never sure why he cared so much seeing as he didn’t know me. I had spent the summer with boys who could care less about what you were saying or what you thought. It gave me a feeling I had never felt before and I mistook it for something different. I thought I didn’t like him, I thought I hated him and maybe I did. He told me he loved me, I didn’t know what to say. I had never been told that in my life. Im pretty sure it scared me, no ok im positive it scared me. After that I kept my distance, I felt uncomfortable. I think he got the hint.
We didn’t talk for about over a month. Im not sure if I even noticed. Every once in a while I’de wonder why he wasn’t online. I guess I started to miss the attention he gave me. Nobody really ever cared about how my day went besides him…and I had started to like explaining how my day went, but now I had nobody to tell it to.
I had thought he had forgotten about me, I just sort of put it all in the back of my mind until I went online one day and saw an email he sent me. I saw the email address and didn’t recognize it at first. Then I opened it and when I read it was blown away. It talked about how he couldn’t stop thinking about me..how he loved me..and if I got this to call him. It gave me his phone number at the bottom. I started shaking, I know I started shaking. I never thought a boy would take the time to think about me so much, I never thought of myself as being that important. I sat and stared at it for a while..then I ran to my room and held the phone. After 15 minutes of contemplating the idea..i called him. I swear my voice was shaking so badly, I was so nervous …so nervous that it was like as if I was just about to give a speech that would be televised across America. He sounded so nervous when he said hello to me. And we told one another how we were doing. Surprisingly..not awkward at all. This is something I had come to realize about him. I was always so comfortable talking to him. No matter what it was about. I remember that night he told me to call him after I got home from school the next day. BELIEVE ME as much as I tried to stay calm….i was dancing inside. Not some slow dance..but some crazy rave dance. So the next day, all I did was write his initials in little hearts in my assignment pad. I was such a nerd about it all, he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, yet I was sitting there doodling his name in pink pen like an idiot. That day I jumped in the car to go home..and ran to my room faster than you could ever imagine. I dialed his number so incredibly fast and he picked up and I remember his first words being “Meredith its exactly 2:30…did you wait for it to hit 2:30 just to call me?” and obviously my answere was “nope..no just a coincidence I guess”
This continued. Somewhere I there…I think we fell in love. I had never loved anybody before, I had never said I love you before. I was even afraid to say it to my parents or anyone in my family. But I said it to him..and it came so easily, like I was meant to say it, and only to him. He said it too, and i can promise you..hearing him say I love you was better than any drug in the entire world. Its like this tingly feeling goes all over your body and you cant stop smiling and you look like a fool. And you start to have shaking attacks because I think that at this point..your heart cant comprehend what just happened.
We both knew we couldn’t be together, because of distance and because of relationships. A lot of fighting happened, and I can tell you I hurt myself so badly because of those fights. I regret it now, I really regret it now but I cant take it back. After a whole school year of giving your heart to a boy that isn’t your boyfriend…I think I gave up on a lot of things. I knew I wasn’t going to be with him any time soon, but I also knew that I didn’t want to be with anyone but him and I could wait. And wait I did. I broke everything off with my boyfriend at the time, I just couldn’t handle it.
I forgot to add in the part where we met for the first time.
It was at the mall.
I had a horrible hang over from a party the previous night and I had on cover up that was too dark for my skin but I felt too sick to care of to notice. I had my first real kiss that day. When I say first real kiss I mean…first kiss that I wanted, first kiss that felt so amazingly good I never wanted to stop. He thought I was a lot more experienced than I was..that’s because I lied to him. I lied because I wanted to seem mature, he was a year older than me and in this day and age your maturity is based on the sexual bases you have covered. I remember everything about that day, I remember exactly what I wore and exactly what he wore. I wore a skirt..with the ugliest tights imaginable. My hair was jet black and very long..i had a new york zipper up hoody on and my black v-neck sweater underneath that had a pink M on the top left side. My beaten up old shoes and the same purse I have carried around with me for 3 years. He was wearing a “the who” shirt..it was black and he had this suede jacket on. It was brown and was furry inside. He had jeans on..they were dark, I remember that because I told him later that I didn’t like dark jeans. And he was wearing boots. I didn’t like those boots. I was shaking when I first saw him, I honestly thought I was about to go into cardiac arrest or something along those lines. I ran and hugged him, I kissed him because I thought he was so cute I couldn’t help myself. He held my hand really tightly. I loved that feeling. He pulled up my sleeve and found a lot of cut marks over my wrists…I told him they weren’t that bad…he stared at me and made me promise to never do it again. I promised. We walked around….he held my hand, still really tightly and I felt so nervous and my biggest fear was that my palms would be sweaty..but they weren’t. Oddly enough…when I saw him..every part of me went dry. I was so nervous my mouth went dry..i couldn’t breath correctly..it was..insane.
I remember we were walking through Filenes..and I looked in the mirror in the makeup section and looked at the reflection of him and I standing next to eachother. It made me smile. I felt amazing and just being there with him made every bad feeling I had go away.
Our first kiss was on a bench in that mall. I remember wich one too, I don’t think I’ll ever forget. One thing I had told him in one of our conversations about kissing is that I love when boys softly bit my lip..or even hard. And I love doing it. I remember it was the first thing he did to me…he leaned in and bit my lip. I tried to hold back smiling so big because I would look like such a dork if I smiled as big as I felt I was going to. After all of this..we left, not together. We both went home.
A lot happened between then and this summer. But none of it being very good and most if It I cant remember and don’t want to remember. Every summer my best friend liz and I go away on vacation to Montauk. Before I went away..him and I started dating. I promised I wouldn’t do anything there even though he said I could because I would never see these people again. I felt horrible, during that vacation I had my cellphone on so he could im me. I think it got liz very aggravated and I understand why. I wrote our initials in the sand in a big heart..and took a picture of it. I wrote him a letter and sent it to him from our beach house. Im pretty sure he liked it. But while im doing all of this I come home to find out that while I was gone he was constantly being with and had kissed this other girl. He told me he really liked her, eventually he told me he loved her. And all I could think was how could he love her? He loves me. Well i should have gotten use to this feeling because it happened a lot more. I made a big deal out of it because I didn’t think I deserved to come back from vacation to this. After a week of feeling uneasy about it..we stopped dating. Everything with the other girl continued and talk about how he loved her progressed and I listened to it, i listened to as much as I could before it made me physically sick.
Before we stopped dating..i went to a concert with him. I hadn’t seen him in a long time and it took me a day of begging my friend mana to drive me to new milford to get me there. Mana gave in because he wanted to hear new bands and I wasn’t nervous in the slightest. It took us 3 hours to get there because of my horrible directions. Eventually we made it there…and I walked in and grabbed his arm. He stood really stiff and looked down at me. He smiled and it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. He looked so scared and he couldn’t move. I grabbed his arm and pulled him with me. We walked to a table and sat down and talked. He would barely talk. He told me he was nervous and I wasn’t sure why. Im not sure why I wasn’t nervous, I just felt very comfortable and very happy at that moment. Maybe it was the long funny car ride that did it. When we had first met..he had given me a number game. The number game is this thing..he use to always play while he was on the phone with me, all the numbers are out of order and you have to move them around a certain way to get them in order. When I got angry…I threw it on the ground and broke it. He knew that I did that. He told me he had something for me and he gave me another number game. This one was in perfect condition…as my old one layed broken in my bag. I had an amazing night that night. I’ll never forget him saying “hey baby wanna make love” and it was at that moment that I realized I was head over heels in love with this boy. We got ice cream…….sherbert actually, with nerds on top. My choice thankyou very much. We kissed a lot. Boy do I love kissing him. I love that when I pull away for a second he leans in closer so he can keep kissing me. I love the way he touched me and the way I got chills whenever he did. As we were walking outside..the stars were so bright. I stopped and he stopped. He was gripping my hand so tight it almost hurt, no..it did hurt. But I didn’t want him to loosen his grip because I knew that he was holding it tight for a reason. I knew he didn’t want to let go of me and I knew that we were both so amazed by eachother that night. I stopped and told him to close his eyes and wish on a star. I did too. I wished that he would be my boyfriend forever, he told me he wished that we’d get married. I guess that rule they say about “don’t say your wish out loud or else it wont come true” is true. We walked up the sidewalks “jigging” crouching down and the come up as if we were getting taller, that was our jigg. A lot happened that night, and then mana and I drove home. It was a long car ride but I fell asleep listening to the nirvana unplugged cd.
All the details between this time we saw eachother and the next time are all a blurr. I guess nothing of importance happened.
September 11th was the last time I saw him. We went to his friend jamie’s show at empress ballroom. I walked up to him and gave him a hug, he gave me a kiss on the cheek. We were “best friends”, best friends don’t kiss. I was so unbelievably comfortable with him. Im usually insecure, but I wasn’t with him, not at all. I met a lot of the people I had been hearing a lot about. Before I went there that night, we had gotten into a fight about how I don’t say ‘I love you’ anymore. And I told him it was because he told me that we say it too often and its losing its meaning. I told him I was going to wait until I could say it to his face. We kept leaning in towards eachother as if we were about to kiss but then pull away. I wrote him a letter before I went there.. I gave it to him. He lost it. He gave me this beautiful white rock and said it symbolized me. And his love for me. He said it was beautiful and pale. Haha I’ll never forget that description. I held onto that rock with my life. I asked if I could kiss him after he gave it to me. He said yes so we kissed. When he kissed me I felt so happy, I knew I loved him, I knew I was completely in love with him and I prayed that he wasn’t over me. He kept his hand on my face all of the time…he would just hold my face and look at me. He would play with the rings on my fingers as if they were something sacred. He touched me as if I was so delicate and I wasn’t sure why. When Jamie’s band went on we went in the front row. We were on the side of the stage. I had a permanent red marker with me and he took it. While the band was playing he wrote “I love you” on the stage..and I took the pen and wrote “I love you too.” Jamie’s band played a cover of All Along The Watch Tower. Chris was so amazingly happy. He stood behind me and held me and he sung the whole song into my ear. And I couldn’t stop smiling. It was the cutest thing anyone had ever done. After Jamie’s band was done..we went outside for a walk. I sat down in the middle of the parking lot and he looked at me as if I was crazy. But I told him to sit down and he did. I layed down…and he layed down. My feet at his head and his feet at mine. It was silent and the sky was perfectly clear. I made a wish that night.. I made about ten wishes actually. Then I said “Christopher” and he said “yes?” and I told him I loved him. He gave a tiny laugh.. one of those laughs where you can tell that they’re smiling, and he said “I love you too Meredith.” We sat up and just looked at eachother. I’ll never forget that the car behind us had our initials in the license plate and that was crazy. We started kissing..and it was so slow and so soft, and I don’t think I have ever felt that good in my entire life. That’s what I thought atleast until..he said something. This couple came by and said something that made the both of us laugh. I was sitting there huddled in my fleece because it was freezing out, and I was laughing..and smiling and he looked at me and said “Meredith, you’re so beautiful.” I was in awe of how perfect he was. Nobody had ever told me I was beautiful like that before. Tears came into my eyes but I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to. We both went home.
Everything has gone crazy since then. Im convicing myself im not in love because I know he’s not in love. That night was the most perfect night of my life. I’ll never forget it. If I could ide live in that moment forever, and id hold onto him so tight that no other girl could ever take him from me. But I didn’t, I never held on tight enough and all of my happiness slipped away so quickly and so easily. And its scary to know that some other girl is experiencing more of those moments you had with him, because she lives closer and he loves her. And you have to go on with your life, and be happy without the person who completed you. I’m half of a person now.
i wish there really was that thing from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
then all of the above..i could forget.
And go on with no memory of it at all.
but then again its like past midnight and im not too sure of what im talking about.
And im sorry for this novel of an entry
This was like a fucking chapter of a book
Im sorry.
Who am I saying sorry to?
Nobody reads this.
Well it is 12:40 am and I have school at 7. I need sleep, I don’t get much of it these days. Goodnight and Goodbye