we tend to die young
I know that soon he’ll forget who I am. Forget who I was and what I stood for and every word I said that meant something. Wherever he is..there will be another girl, that doesn’t think that differently from me, and listens to what I listen to and maybe gets as comfortable with him as I did. Its 8 in the morning and I’m trying to figure out how to phrase all of this right so I can stop thinking about it so much. Over the past few days I have been having such mixed feelings. I started crying on the train yesterday, so many feelings were rushing over me I didn’t know how else to deal with them.
In a small train car claustrophobia gets the best of you, and when your listening to a song he once sang into your ear while holding onto you like he never wanted to let go, you can’t help letting the tears gather up in your eyes. And the second you think about how they’re with another girl, you feel sick enough that you could throw up. But you don’t, especially not on a train. I think that would be horrifyingly embarrassing and crying in front of 20+ strangers was enough embarrassment for the day. I feel like I make an ass out of myself when I cry in front of people. Im ruining their day, they didn’t come into the city to see a 15 year old girl cry over some boy, my best friend didn’t come with me so she could comfort me about something she and I both thought I was over a long time ago….like before homecoming.
And a sad thing is..i bet while I was crying he wasn’t even recognizing my existence.
I walk around in town here…and I feel so lonely. I don’t even go with friends anymore. Sometimes I meet up with them later but for the most part…im always alone, and I know he’s not. And all I want to hear is that he misses me to death, but I know that’s not even the tiniest bit close to the truth.
I know im a sucky kisser
Maybe I don’t touch him right
Maybe my palms get sweaty when I hold his hand cause he makes me nervous
Or my voice sounds too much like a little girls
Maybe I listen to all the wrong music and make all the wrong comments.
But see…I like that about me.
Im not perfect for him or for anyone, nor do I want to be.
I’m not the picture perfect girlfriend
Or the girl that every guy sees and is like “oh damn I want her”
I’m the girl that doesn’t open up to a boy unless he’s really special
I’m the girl who thinks she falls in love after her first kiss
I’m the girl who is honestly sure that she is probably going to be a virgin for the rest of her life.
Im going to want to sing to you, and If you don’t listen I’ll cry.
Im in love with fairy tales and rarely live in reality.
I had never been jealous in my life…until about a year ago
Im really not that nice either
Im a horrible bitch to people I don’t like
So im not sure why you’de even be interested
Or why this boy im talking about was in the first place
he wants to have this edge to himself
when i know that's not the person he is
he finds a girl and takes on personality traits of theirs.
He'll try and mold them into this perfect girl for himself
by telling them the bands he likes, and saying to listen to them.
He doesnt need to do that
and i know he's a great person when he's not being a complete dick.
Because when i look past the times he has hurt me
past the times he has cussed at me even after i tell him it is rude
past the times he tells me he's in love with somebody else....
past that...there are the times he told me i was beautiful to my face and i started to cry a little
the times he kissed me and my whole body went tingly
the times he held my hand so tight i could have sworn i was losing circulation
the times he called me at 12am just to tell me he loved me.
the times he would sing to me even though he didnt like his voice much
thats what made me keep going back
but all of the good does not make up for a hell of a lot more bad
AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM
In a small train car claustrophobia gets the best of you, and when your listening to a song he once sang into your ear while holding onto you like he never wanted to let go, you can’t help letting the tears gather up in your eyes. And the second you think about how they’re with another girl, you feel sick enough that you could throw up. But you don’t, especially not on a train. I think that would be horrifyingly embarrassing and crying in front of 20+ strangers was enough embarrassment for the day. I feel like I make an ass out of myself when I cry in front of people. Im ruining their day, they didn’t come into the city to see a 15 year old girl cry over some boy, my best friend didn’t come with me so she could comfort me about something she and I both thought I was over a long time ago….like before homecoming.
And a sad thing is..i bet while I was crying he wasn’t even recognizing my existence.
I walk around in town here…and I feel so lonely. I don’t even go with friends anymore. Sometimes I meet up with them later but for the most part…im always alone, and I know he’s not. And all I want to hear is that he misses me to death, but I know that’s not even the tiniest bit close to the truth.
I know im a sucky kisser
Maybe I don’t touch him right
Maybe my palms get sweaty when I hold his hand cause he makes me nervous
Or my voice sounds too much like a little girls
Maybe I listen to all the wrong music and make all the wrong comments.
But see…I like that about me.
Im not perfect for him or for anyone, nor do I want to be.
I’m not the picture perfect girlfriend
Or the girl that every guy sees and is like “oh damn I want her”
I’m the girl that doesn’t open up to a boy unless he’s really special
I’m the girl who thinks she falls in love after her first kiss
I’m the girl who is honestly sure that she is probably going to be a virgin for the rest of her life.
Im going to want to sing to you, and If you don’t listen I’ll cry.
Im in love with fairy tales and rarely live in reality.
I had never been jealous in my life…until about a year ago
Im really not that nice either
Im a horrible bitch to people I don’t like
So im not sure why you’de even be interested
Or why this boy im talking about was in the first place
he wants to have this edge to himself
when i know that's not the person he is
he finds a girl and takes on personality traits of theirs.
He'll try and mold them into this perfect girl for himself
by telling them the bands he likes, and saying to listen to them.
He doesnt need to do that
and i know he's a great person when he's not being a complete dick.
Because when i look past the times he has hurt me
past the times he has cussed at me even after i tell him it is rude
past the times he tells me he's in love with somebody else....
past that...there are the times he told me i was beautiful to my face and i started to cry a little
the times he kissed me and my whole body went tingly
the times he held my hand so tight i could have sworn i was losing circulation
the times he called me at 12am just to tell me he loved me.
the times he would sing to me even though he didnt like his voice much
thats what made me keep going back
but all of the good does not make up for a hell of a lot more bad
AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM