Food Issues
Okay, so admitting you have a problem isn't exactly the hard part. I think its the 'figuring out what you're gonna do next' fact that really kills you. There are always options but I can never decide which of the two evils are better. On one hand: I could just suck it up, stop eating, go gym and kill myself with an eating disorder that has come back full blown thanks mostly in part to my boyfriend. Or on the other hand: I could just say fuck it, let the chips fall where they may, and take whatever shit comes with eating and living the way I want to. Having a nice body does get your further in life than being normal. It shows people you have enough dicipline to committ to a hard-core regimine that makes you (at times) want to kill youself and everyone around you. Its more than just wanting to look good for certain people, its about feeling good about myself and being happy with the way that I look. I haven't felt that way in such a long time that I get depressed with myself for being unable to accomplish such a seemingly simple task. I mean, all I need to do is eat a small portion of food three times a day and not enjoy it. If I eat things I don't like, I won't over eat. Right? But then I sacrifice the joy that comes with eating foods I like. I wonder if that would lead to longterm depression and apathy. I suppose it wasn't that bad when I didn't give a shit about anything but I now have friends that I cherish and I want to spend time with them and be happy and enjoy doing things like eating out with them. Maybe I should just be depressed and eat food I don't like until I see my friends and then I can eat with them. But will that lead to binge eating? More often than not, it seems that my problem lies not in what I eat, how often I eat, or when I eat. Its all a matter of HOW MUCH I eat in one sitting. I need to overcome that complex of eating till I can't breathe. Its a work in progress but hopefully by writing my thoughts out online, I'll be able to escape the hold it has on my life. Perhaps one day, my worries of what I ate and how skinny I am will finally disappear. I can only hope...