You sent a flame down my east coast
So, today I did challenge day, and let me tell you that it was absolutely one of the most amazing things I have done in my entire life. I laughed, and cried, and cried because I was sad, and I cried because I was happy, and I laughed and cried at the same time. Like I didn't think it would CHANGE me really, but it has so much. I honestly feel like There are things I used to do that I just will never be able to do again. Now, if this will last or not, I'm not sure, but I hope it will, I really really hope it will.
There was one point when we were doing the cross the line thing, I'm sure you know what it is so I won't bother explaining. Well the lady said, "If you, or anyone you know has considered, attempted, or committed suicide would you please cross the line." So of course I cross the line, but I was already so emotional just watching all of the other people cross the line for some of the things the lady read that once I crossed the line and there were only like ten other people with me I couldn't handle it and I just started crying so hard. Mr.Miller came over to me and hugged me and started whispering, "I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You can stay here, you're safe here. I'm here and I'm not leaving." and it was just so effing amazing to have someone do that kind of thing for me. I didn't know that someone who I had never met before could care about me so much. That actually made me cry harder. I was sobbing into his shoulder like full out heaving sobs and the entire room was silent and I could feel them all staring at me, and I knew that they all felt for me. It was just so wonderful.
There was another time during cross the line. It was the last one we did and the lady said, "I want you to listen very closely before you decide whether to cross the line or not. Have you ever been a child," And I paused for a second when I heard this but then crossed the line and the only people left on the original side of the line were two adults and one other girl who was crying so hard. The lady paused and said, "If you think you need to cross back you can," and I was standing there crying. I couldn't handle that one, and I wanted to cross back, at one point one other girl did, so I finally did too. And I just started crying so hard again. This one lady was hugging me and I was sobbing into her shoulder, and eventually another lady came over and hugged me too. It such an amazing moment. I could again feel everyone feeling for me all at one moment. There were people crying for me, and people I didn't know hugging me and it was probably the most alive I have ever felt.
Well like the first "difficult" thing we did was listen to the two leaders talk. The guy there started telling this story about how one time he beat up his sister because he was mad at people at school and she was just the poor person in the way of him losing it. And that was like the first time I almost started crying. Then we got into our little families which were like five or so people and we had two minutes to say "If you really knew me you would know that..." and I volunteered to go first and I was like already half crying and I dive right into all this deep shit and I really don't think they were ready for it. But they were all so supportive and it was so great. I've never had someone validate me like that before and it was just such a different but good experience.
At the end the people let people get up and say stuff and apologize or thank people or just say something they've noticed. And one person got up who I wanted to apologize to me and when he got up I was really surprised. Like this is the kind of kid who you would think that all of this kind of shit is a joke and when he got up there he was really heartfelt and meant everything he was saying, but he called up two people that weren't me. And I started crying again, and I hadn't cried in a while, and he was only like five feet from me and I just stared at him with this look like "How could you do this." and then afterward he was done speaking the guy said, "If you have more respect and feel for him more now, give him some love." and everyone stood up and clapped and cheered and I just sat there and looked at him in disbelief. I was amazed he could do that.
Then at the end of that they told us to get up and go apologize or thank anyone we needed to thank or apologize. Julian was in my group and the first thing he did was tap me on the shoulder and look me in the eyes. He said, "Allie, I am so sorry for everything that I've done to you." and I was just so greatful at that moment. Julian has never shown any remorse for anything he's done to me and it was just such a great moment. Then I went over to Mallory and we were both sobbing and I said, "Mallory I am so sorry for all the shit I've done to you, and so thankful for all that you've done for me," and she laughed while she cried and said, "I was going to say the same exact thing!" and we hugged and cried out of happiness. Then Jack came over to me and we were both crying and she was just like, "I love you Allie. You are always there for me and I just think you are such a great person." and I was like, "I love you Jack." and then Maddie came over and I was just like, "Maddie I'm so sorry for all of this bullshit I've caused," and she was like, "I'm sorry we're not friends anymore," and I was like, "I know! I'm sorry about all of this shit I've done to you recently, because I really do respect you so much." and she was like, "Thank you." and then one of the ladies that had been hugging me during cross the line (Who turned out to be Mr.Miller's Mom) came over to me and hugged me and was like, "You are such an inspiration. You are so strong and I just think you are an amazing person. I know you just think I'm some weird old lady, but I just think you are so amazing." and I hugged her and I was like, "I won't forget you. I promise."
I was surprised how sad watching other people made me. Like just watching someone cross the line and then looked down at their feet or look up at all of us telling them that we loved them made me just feel so hard. I felt for every single person in that room so many times that it's hard to explain. Like watching all of the people who crossed the line for "If anyone has ever told you that you are fat or too big," made me so angry and sad. There were so many beautiful people who crossed the line and I just felt so disappointed in the world around us. Like when we were in our families after I told my story the kid next to me told his and his story was NOTHING like mine but I still cried for him and I ended up crying for everybody around me.
Ugh, it was just so great. Like I have never felt this alive. This is living. Like my sister just came in and I hugged her and told her that I was so sorry for all of the things I've done to her and all of the times I've been mean to her, and I started crying and I could tell she was a little weirded out, but I feel really good that I did it. Like I do love her so much but we fight so often. I really really want to start treating her and everyone around me so much better. I think this stuff is so important. Like the world would be so much different if everyone acted like this. I think everyone should, honestly.
P.S. I got to hug Theo Terris. You guys are SOOO fucking jealous, I know.
There was one point when we were doing the cross the line thing, I'm sure you know what it is so I won't bother explaining. Well the lady said, "If you, or anyone you know has considered, attempted, or committed suicide would you please cross the line." So of course I cross the line, but I was already so emotional just watching all of the other people cross the line for some of the things the lady read that once I crossed the line and there were only like ten other people with me I couldn't handle it and I just started crying so hard. Mr.Miller came over to me and hugged me and started whispering, "I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You can stay here, you're safe here. I'm here and I'm not leaving." and it was just so effing amazing to have someone do that kind of thing for me. I didn't know that someone who I had never met before could care about me so much. That actually made me cry harder. I was sobbing into his shoulder like full out heaving sobs and the entire room was silent and I could feel them all staring at me, and I knew that they all felt for me. It was just so wonderful.
There was another time during cross the line. It was the last one we did and the lady said, "I want you to listen very closely before you decide whether to cross the line or not. Have you ever been a child," And I paused for a second when I heard this but then crossed the line and the only people left on the original side of the line were two adults and one other girl who was crying so hard. The lady paused and said, "If you think you need to cross back you can," and I was standing there crying. I couldn't handle that one, and I wanted to cross back, at one point one other girl did, so I finally did too. And I just started crying so hard again. This one lady was hugging me and I was sobbing into her shoulder, and eventually another lady came over and hugged me too. It such an amazing moment. I could again feel everyone feeling for me all at one moment. There were people crying for me, and people I didn't know hugging me and it was probably the most alive I have ever felt.
Well like the first "difficult" thing we did was listen to the two leaders talk. The guy there started telling this story about how one time he beat up his sister because he was mad at people at school and she was just the poor person in the way of him losing it. And that was like the first time I almost started crying. Then we got into our little families which were like five or so people and we had two minutes to say "If you really knew me you would know that..." and I volunteered to go first and I was like already half crying and I dive right into all this deep shit and I really don't think they were ready for it. But they were all so supportive and it was so great. I've never had someone validate me like that before and it was just such a different but good experience.
At the end the people let people get up and say stuff and apologize or thank people or just say something they've noticed. And one person got up who I wanted to apologize to me and when he got up I was really surprised. Like this is the kind of kid who you would think that all of this kind of shit is a joke and when he got up there he was really heartfelt and meant everything he was saying, but he called up two people that weren't me. And I started crying again, and I hadn't cried in a while, and he was only like five feet from me and I just stared at him with this look like "How could you do this." and then afterward he was done speaking the guy said, "If you have more respect and feel for him more now, give him some love." and everyone stood up and clapped and cheered and I just sat there and looked at him in disbelief. I was amazed he could do that.
Then at the end of that they told us to get up and go apologize or thank anyone we needed to thank or apologize. Julian was in my group and the first thing he did was tap me on the shoulder and look me in the eyes. He said, "Allie, I am so sorry for everything that I've done to you." and I was just so greatful at that moment. Julian has never shown any remorse for anything he's done to me and it was just such a great moment. Then I went over to Mallory and we were both sobbing and I said, "Mallory I am so sorry for all the shit I've done to you, and so thankful for all that you've done for me," and she laughed while she cried and said, "I was going to say the same exact thing!" and we hugged and cried out of happiness. Then Jack came over to me and we were both crying and she was just like, "I love you Allie. You are always there for me and I just think you are such a great person." and I was like, "I love you Jack." and then Maddie came over and I was just like, "Maddie I'm so sorry for all of this bullshit I've caused," and she was like, "I'm sorry we're not friends anymore," and I was like, "I know! I'm sorry about all of this shit I've done to you recently, because I really do respect you so much." and she was like, "Thank you." and then one of the ladies that had been hugging me during cross the line (Who turned out to be Mr.Miller's Mom) came over to me and hugged me and was like, "You are such an inspiration. You are so strong and I just think you are an amazing person. I know you just think I'm some weird old lady, but I just think you are so amazing." and I hugged her and I was like, "I won't forget you. I promise."
I was surprised how sad watching other people made me. Like just watching someone cross the line and then looked down at their feet or look up at all of us telling them that we loved them made me just feel so hard. I felt for every single person in that room so many times that it's hard to explain. Like watching all of the people who crossed the line for "If anyone has ever told you that you are fat or too big," made me so angry and sad. There were so many beautiful people who crossed the line and I just felt so disappointed in the world around us. Like when we were in our families after I told my story the kid next to me told his and his story was NOTHING like mine but I still cried for him and I ended up crying for everybody around me.
Ugh, it was just so great. Like I have never felt this alive. This is living. Like my sister just came in and I hugged her and told her that I was so sorry for all of the things I've done to her and all of the times I've been mean to her, and I started crying and I could tell she was a little weirded out, but I feel really good that I did it. Like I do love her so much but we fight so often. I really really want to start treating her and everyone around me so much better. I think this stuff is so important. Like the world would be so much different if everyone acted like this. I think everyone should, honestly.
P.S. I got to hug Theo Terris. You guys are SOOO fucking jealous, I know.