boring text
i listened to that postal service song, and read the email that he sent me, with those lyrics in it. and i cried, and black makeup poured down my face in sheets, and my pale ivory skin turned to gray. it started raining and i believed for a moment that i controlled the weather, but the rain subsided and i continued to cry.
last night i had a dream where i got arrested in brooklyn for something little and stupid, but i had three joints and a lot of unrolled weed in my bag. i was like, oh shit what if they look in my bag?, so i told them it was whoever i was with's bag. haha.
i feel so unwanted in my house. whenever my stepmother is home i just stay in my room. like, i'll want to go out and see my friends, but i don't want to have to see her in my house, acting like it's her house, acting like a bitch to me. it's just not something that i want to deal with. i guess i have to at some point. i stopped going to therapy because i realized that the only reason i am sad is because this woman makes me sad. it's not an internal problem anymore, there is one source of my unhappiness, and i know what it is. i just wish she would go away. she want to try to get along for my dad, but i just want her the fuck out. oh well.
i was remembering one morning during freshman year, about a week before my birthday in may... my dad would usually leave for work before i got up for school (this was when he had a job), but he stayed late on that morning. i was sitting in a chair in the kitching passing time before i would go out for the bus, and he came over to me and yelled for about ten minutes, with his eyes bulging out of his head. he told me that i was a bad person for wanting to see my friends on my birthday. so i went to school with tears dripping down my face, with no intention of doing anything school related, obviously. i just sat in class and cried. that was a lot of days last year. therapy helped a lot, i guess, 'cause whenever he yells at me now i just figure he's mad about something else.
the other day he told me that i needed to fix myself to be a better person.
"you're worse than your brother."
that hurt a lot. that's saying, "i don't think you'll live to be 21, i think you'll do lots of drugs, and i don't like you." my brother hated my dad, and i fucking know why.
the same reason i hate my stepmother.
he felt like my dad was trying to replace ed. he knew that my dad wasn't, but it still fucking feels like it.
that entire family died, and for some reason i fee like i'm next.
oh well.
what can you do?
last night i had a dream where i got arrested in brooklyn for something little and stupid, but i had three joints and a lot of unrolled weed in my bag. i was like, oh shit what if they look in my bag?, so i told them it was whoever i was with's bag. haha.
i feel so unwanted in my house. whenever my stepmother is home i just stay in my room. like, i'll want to go out and see my friends, but i don't want to have to see her in my house, acting like it's her house, acting like a bitch to me. it's just not something that i want to deal with. i guess i have to at some point. i stopped going to therapy because i realized that the only reason i am sad is because this woman makes me sad. it's not an internal problem anymore, there is one source of my unhappiness, and i know what it is. i just wish she would go away. she want to try to get along for my dad, but i just want her the fuck out. oh well.
i was remembering one morning during freshman year, about a week before my birthday in may... my dad would usually leave for work before i got up for school (this was when he had a job), but he stayed late on that morning. i was sitting in a chair in the kitching passing time before i would go out for the bus, and he came over to me and yelled for about ten minutes, with his eyes bulging out of his head. he told me that i was a bad person for wanting to see my friends on my birthday. so i went to school with tears dripping down my face, with no intention of doing anything school related, obviously. i just sat in class and cried. that was a lot of days last year. therapy helped a lot, i guess, 'cause whenever he yells at me now i just figure he's mad about something else.
the other day he told me that i needed to fix myself to be a better person.
"you're worse than your brother."
that hurt a lot. that's saying, "i don't think you'll live to be 21, i think you'll do lots of drugs, and i don't like you." my brother hated my dad, and i fucking know why.
the same reason i hate my stepmother.
he felt like my dad was trying to replace ed. he knew that my dad wasn't, but it still fucking feels like it.
that entire family died, and for some reason i fee like i'm next.
oh well.
what can you do?