Sep 15, 2005 19:58
so i havent really written an indepth entry since last year. last year i contemplated a lot. i contemplated everything. i felt cheated and i wanted to know why. so i just read chris' new epiphany and low and behold... it got my thinking. he made many good points and i would cite it all if i thought any of you would actually read it.
i feel like maybe i let people walk over me more than i will admit to myself. i have a certain image of myself. of what i want to be. of what i want to look like. and of what i want to appear as to other people. i don't possess any special qualities. i'm not artistic, but i hang out with the artistic group. and i go to artistic things. but i am by no means artistic myself. i am not athletic. i am not overachieving or overly intelligent. i used to think i was set apart from everyone else by my feelings towards others: i wanted to help everyone, be the caring one. then last year i learned how to be apathetic. which was so hard in itself because i was always the empathetic one. now what am i? nothing special. i want to be laid back. but i dont want to let people walk over me. i want to stick up for myself. but i will give myself credit there. i have significanty improved in that area. and i pat myself on the back for that. but give me an apology and i will let myself forgive you. even if i don't feel as if i want to. i don't want to take things too seriously. thats no way to live life. but who is to say how to live life? i by no means want to take things to seriously but i do know when things need to be taken seriously. comic relief is always nice but it should never overpower the importance of what is at hand.
i have done many things i never thought i would before. i don't know how i feel about these actions but i am trying to adapt as effectively as possible. learn from it. decide how to go about things in the future. try not to panic. enjoy what is going on as best possible. overall life is pretty sweet right now. mom has been so nice to me ever since i moved out. i have a potential job at the early childhood education department of the college of education. i'm learning how to manage my time. i need to. my tests are going to start soon. i am exercising at the rec center 3-5 days a week. i am beginning to make new friends. i have a boyfriend. who lives 1-2 hours away at uga but i can see potential as long as we allow ourselves to learn from eachother. i may go to uga or charleston next year. but i am keeping my reality check and reminding myself to not allow myself to go to uga based on ryan's and my relationship. thats the worse reason to go somewhere. although i am just getting started at gsu. there is time for error and contemplation. anyhow... i hope things keep looking up.
i miss hayley like hell. as far as i know she's already in Europe, which is going to be an amazing experience for her. i didnt get the chance to see or really talk to her before she left. which make me sad. i understand. she was hectically busy. but i wish she and i were as close as we used to be. not necessarily talking everyday but enough so that i would know when she left for Europe. its amazing how friendships dwindle as you get older. i think she and i will always be best friends though... like jenny and me. we dont have to talk all the time to be reminded that we love eachother. jenny calls me now about once a week which makes me feel great. because i miss her and love her so much.
there's my most recent contemplations. that felt good to let out. hope all is well with all of you.
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