The True Story of Valentine's Day
I thought it my civic duty to make everyone aware of the true meaning of Valentine's Day. In this work-a-day world of hustle and bustle, we often forget from where special days such as today originate. We all know that Christmas is to celebrate Santa's birthday... no, wait... Jesus's birthday, but how many of us really remember the story of Valentine's Day? Gather 'round, my children, and I shall tell you a tale of epic proportions. Valentine's Day isn't about jewelry or greeting cards or chocolates or conversation hearts or flowers, no... It's about much, much more than that...
Valentine's Day began in the early 1800's, at just about the same time Graham Crackers were invented (originally as a health food, mind you). On February 14th, 1812, a young Jesus Christ called his best friend at the time, Cupid, and a sleepover was arranged. This was no ordinary sleepover, mind you. This was Jesus' very first sleepover ever. The night was filled with wonderment and magic. The boys ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made with Jif, watched old episodes of David the Gnome, and told ghost stories in the pup tent set up out in the back yard. Jesus and Cupid hoped the fun would never end! Since it was getting late, nigh on to 7:45pm, it was time to go to bed, so the two pals turned in for the night, Jesus in his My Little Pony sleeping bag, and Cupid in his Tommy the White Ranger sleeping bag. At about 9:15, Cupid woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. He woke Jesus up, and asked for a glass of water. Keep in mind that this is 1812, and since the War of 1812 was going on at the time, there was no running water in the Christ household. So the two young adventurers decided to head down to the river to get a cool drink. Jesus got his favorite Coleman lantern and the boys set out. Running through the woods, the kids got to the river in no time. Cupid and Jesus threw themselves into the water and drank til they could drink no more! Oh, what a fun night this was! Just then, Jesus spotted a wasps' nest in a nearby tree. Cupid, having a bit of a wild streak, decided it would be fun to shoot arrows at it. So Cupid got out his bow and arrow and fired away, striking the nest and causing it to fall to the ground. Greatly angered, the wasps flew out of their nest and came after the boys. Remembering he was allergic to bee stings, Jesus jumped into the river, followed by Cupid. Thinking quickly, he turned the water into wine, and as the wasps dove to get the boys, they became intoxicated. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a drunken wasp, but its nothing to shake a stick at, as drunk wasps don't take kindly to having sticks shaken at them. Realizing they were beat, the wasps flew away to hit on their cousins. Jesus and Cupid were saved!! Hooray for the power of love! Valentine's Day is born! And that, my friends, is why bees make honey... no, why wasps hate wine... No... why you shouldn't shoot arrows at wasps nests without a sufficient amount of alcohol... Yeah, thats it.
Valentine's Day began in the early 1800's, at just about the same time Graham Crackers were invented (originally as a health food, mind you). On February 14th, 1812, a young Jesus Christ called his best friend at the time, Cupid, and a sleepover was arranged. This was no ordinary sleepover, mind you. This was Jesus' very first sleepover ever. The night was filled with wonderment and magic. The boys ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made with Jif, watched old episodes of David the Gnome, and told ghost stories in the pup tent set up out in the back yard. Jesus and Cupid hoped the fun would never end! Since it was getting late, nigh on to 7:45pm, it was time to go to bed, so the two pals turned in for the night, Jesus in his My Little Pony sleeping bag, and Cupid in his Tommy the White Ranger sleeping bag. At about 9:15, Cupid woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. He woke Jesus up, and asked for a glass of water. Keep in mind that this is 1812, and since the War of 1812 was going on at the time, there was no running water in the Christ household. So the two young adventurers decided to head down to the river to get a cool drink. Jesus got his favorite Coleman lantern and the boys set out. Running through the woods, the kids got to the river in no time. Cupid and Jesus threw themselves into the water and drank til they could drink no more! Oh, what a fun night this was! Just then, Jesus spotted a wasps' nest in a nearby tree. Cupid, having a bit of a wild streak, decided it would be fun to shoot arrows at it. So Cupid got out his bow and arrow and fired away, striking the nest and causing it to fall to the ground. Greatly angered, the wasps flew out of their nest and came after the boys. Remembering he was allergic to bee stings, Jesus jumped into the river, followed by Cupid. Thinking quickly, he turned the water into wine, and as the wasps dove to get the boys, they became intoxicated. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen a drunken wasp, but its nothing to shake a stick at, as drunk wasps don't take kindly to having sticks shaken at them. Realizing they were beat, the wasps flew away to hit on their cousins. Jesus and Cupid were saved!! Hooray for the power of love! Valentine's Day is born! And that, my friends, is why bees make honey... no, why wasps hate wine... No... why you shouldn't shoot arrows at wasps nests without a sufficient amount of alcohol... Yeah, thats it.