The Passenger
Since the mega-push to get the house cleaned up and further along the track to organized, I've been feeling pretty deflated. Deflated but weirdly restless. I really need to start working toward something worthwhile as far as my own personal, out-in-the-world sort of work. I've been very introverted and very private lately for the most part, and yet wanting to socialize. I don't feel like doing the whole pleasantry type socialization that would be required of getting involved with a playgroup or whatever. I'm certainly capable of that and I don't have the out-and-out general aversion to it that a lot of people have, but I'm just finding myself wanting to invest my social time more wisely than that. It's hard, though, when you're home during the day and no one else is, or everyone else that is is busy or had a schedule that's out of whack with your own.
I guess I'm just feeling like I really don't really belong anywhere. Not that I ever really felt like I belonged before, but I had places that I could at least fit in with from time to time. Of course, the fitting in was largely illusory. For each short period of time I felt I was fitting in, there were usually five others where I felt I distinctly /did not/ fit in, to the point where it caused a lot of internal friction and agitation. This is a much more neutral, calm sort of feeling compared to that, and one I find far more preferable and easy to deal with.
I don't know...maybe it's hormonal. There's no denying I don't feel like my "old self," and often have not since Ree's birth. I'm overdue for my yearly check...haven't had one of those since six weeks postpartum. It's nothing absolutely horrid. What is a big difference is that I'm finding myself with decreasingly less sympathy or empathy for other people if they aren't friends or family or people that I've already developed some sort of respect for from afar. I'm also realizing that, where I used to be interested in building bridges, I am feeling more and more miserly about that energy. I feel like I expended a tremendous amount of energy doing that and now, years later, have precious little to show for it, and as a consequence, I've really not been very forthcoming or friendly lately with a lot of people that I should be "behaving better" with.
This isn't any sort of critique of anyone in particular; it is simply an evaluation of my own state of mind right now. Maybe it's really nothing. But then again most feelings are transitory anyway, right? I just have been feeling very much like an onlooker, and because of that, I haven't written here very much lately. Maybe if I change that, I can re-engage, maybe even do something creative. It does seem that every time I actually tend to my mundane responsibilities I end up sacrificing some of my creative energy.
I guess I'm just feeling like I really don't really belong anywhere. Not that I ever really felt like I belonged before, but I had places that I could at least fit in with from time to time. Of course, the fitting in was largely illusory. For each short period of time I felt I was fitting in, there were usually five others where I felt I distinctly /did not/ fit in, to the point where it caused a lot of internal friction and agitation. This is a much more neutral, calm sort of feeling compared to that, and one I find far more preferable and easy to deal with.
I don't know...maybe it's hormonal. There's no denying I don't feel like my "old self," and often have not since Ree's birth. I'm overdue for my yearly check...haven't had one of those since six weeks postpartum. It's nothing absolutely horrid. What is a big difference is that I'm finding myself with decreasingly less sympathy or empathy for other people if they aren't friends or family or people that I've already developed some sort of respect for from afar. I'm also realizing that, where I used to be interested in building bridges, I am feeling more and more miserly about that energy. I feel like I expended a tremendous amount of energy doing that and now, years later, have precious little to show for it, and as a consequence, I've really not been very forthcoming or friendly lately with a lot of people that I should be "behaving better" with.
This isn't any sort of critique of anyone in particular; it is simply an evaluation of my own state of mind right now. Maybe it's really nothing. But then again most feelings are transitory anyway, right? I just have been feeling very much like an onlooker, and because of that, I haven't written here very much lately. Maybe if I change that, I can re-engage, maybe even do something creative. It does seem that every time I actually tend to my mundane responsibilities I end up sacrificing some of my creative energy.