I was going to quote the Smiths, but that'd be too cliché .
I think the number one thing wrong with me is that I have absolutely no real self confidence. I do have to qualify that as no "real" self confidence, because I can fake it in the right circumstances. It's pretty much a given that I won't go anywhere without friends, because with them, I can feed off of their energy and act much cooler than I really am. Last night, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I stayed at a show after my friends left, and it felt weird to me. I felt like I should have left, but I really had nowhere else to go but home, and that's the last place I ever want to go. When I'm with people I know, I can talk to them, laugh, have fun, all that jazz, but when I don't know anyone, it is damn near impossible to get me to come out of my shell in any way. It goes back to the issue I've had since high school. I can't make friends or talk to people on my own. I have to be introduced, or it will just never happen. I thought I got over this, but it's quite obvious that's not the case.
I guess it doesn't help that I caved in and joined a dating site. Everyone suggested it, but save for a few interesting conversations (with girls who are already taken, but still have profiles for some reason), I've gotten much more negative than positive out of the experience. I have sent out a handful of messages, always being myself, always trying to be nonthreatening. I even read an article about what kinds of messages get responses, and I naturally followed most of those rules before even reading it. The worst part is that I can see who visits my profile, and everyone I've messaged has viewed my profile, and they never respond. That's the equivalent to walking up to someone, saying hi, and they look you up and down and walk away, only it's worse, because they walk away based not only on my looks, but my personality, in profile form. People say that my personality would be a saving grace in these situations, but it seems that also is not the case.
I was talking to a friend recently about being more impulsive, about being able to get out and do something stupid for no real reason other than it was fun. I have friends who are impulsive by nature, and I envy them, because they can go out, have fun, no regrets, any day of the week. I'll admit, I like drinking, but I don't think I've ever gotten drunk and done something stupid. I never have those amazing stories. Any stories I have start with "a friend of mine..." Nobody has any crazy Ronnie stories, because Ronnie isn't crazy. Ronnie isn't that fun. Ronnie is that guy who shows up, has a few laughs, and sticks to the background while the crazy people do the crazy things that Ronnie could never do. Just once, I wish I could do something impulsive and stupid and fun, just because I can, and not be the guy who leaves the party early, or passes out in the corner while the fun happens in the next room.
I seriously thought I was over this a few years ago. I had a great epiphany, and I was a different person. I thought things were changing, and I wouldn't be this whiny emo bitch anymore. Seriously, I feel no better writing this than I did back in college. I was reading some of my blogs from 2003 a few weeks ago, thinking how ridiculous I sounded, but reading anything I've written the past two years, nothing has changed but my age and my drinking habits. As happy as I try to make myself, and as fun as I try to be, I'm still that guy who can't survive in a social situation without a friend by his side. I still have such an inferiority complex that the first thing I search for when I meet someone is why they are too good for me. Every day, I wonder why my friends think I'm so great, because I can't see anything worth half a crap in my personality. I can spit off a few funny lines, talk about why this movie is better than that one, sing along to some music, but that shallow surface crap is all I have. People want more, and I don't know how to supply it...
I guess it doesn't help that I caved in and joined a dating site. Everyone suggested it, but save for a few interesting conversations (with girls who are already taken, but still have profiles for some reason), I've gotten much more negative than positive out of the experience. I have sent out a handful of messages, always being myself, always trying to be nonthreatening. I even read an article about what kinds of messages get responses, and I naturally followed most of those rules before even reading it. The worst part is that I can see who visits my profile, and everyone I've messaged has viewed my profile, and they never respond. That's the equivalent to walking up to someone, saying hi, and they look you up and down and walk away, only it's worse, because they walk away based not only on my looks, but my personality, in profile form. People say that my personality would be a saving grace in these situations, but it seems that also is not the case.
I was talking to a friend recently about being more impulsive, about being able to get out and do something stupid for no real reason other than it was fun. I have friends who are impulsive by nature, and I envy them, because they can go out, have fun, no regrets, any day of the week. I'll admit, I like drinking, but I don't think I've ever gotten drunk and done something stupid. I never have those amazing stories. Any stories I have start with "a friend of mine..." Nobody has any crazy Ronnie stories, because Ronnie isn't crazy. Ronnie isn't that fun. Ronnie is that guy who shows up, has a few laughs, and sticks to the background while the crazy people do the crazy things that Ronnie could never do. Just once, I wish I could do something impulsive and stupid and fun, just because I can, and not be the guy who leaves the party early, or passes out in the corner while the fun happens in the next room.
I seriously thought I was over this a few years ago. I had a great epiphany, and I was a different person. I thought things were changing, and I wouldn't be this whiny emo bitch anymore. Seriously, I feel no better writing this than I did back in college. I was reading some of my blogs from 2003 a few weeks ago, thinking how ridiculous I sounded, but reading anything I've written the past two years, nothing has changed but my age and my drinking habits. As happy as I try to make myself, and as fun as I try to be, I'm still that guy who can't survive in a social situation without a friend by his side. I still have such an inferiority complex that the first thing I search for when I meet someone is why they are too good for me. Every day, I wonder why my friends think I'm so great, because I can't see anything worth half a crap in my personality. I can spit off a few funny lines, talk about why this movie is better than that one, sing along to some music, but that shallow surface crap is all I have. People want more, and I don't know how to supply it...