Anti-Climatic
It ended with a warm hug, a multitude of unspoken words (on my part), and a kiss on the head.
Cancun is more likely than not happening.
I am quite disappointed. I had hoped to have one last whirlwind affair, in a foreign country no less, so I could say I experienced something like that. But que sera sera.
I'm also sad to see him go. It didn't really hit me that he was really leaving, until last night. It's all become very real and I hate goodbyes. I did everything in my power not to start crying at the doorstep and as soon as I reached the apartment, I broke down. I was surprised, but in a way, I think I needed that. Even now, just thinking about it, I can feel myself choking back more tears.
These few months, I'd been trying not to acknowledge the deep feelings I had for him, in an effort to keep things "friendly" and I largely succeeded. But now that it's over, I can let go of these feelings; feel them, acknowledge them and set them free. He resides in a special place in my heart, that all my past lovers go. These are some of the best memories of my life and I can honestly say I feel blessed to have had the chance to know him the way I have.
However, last night kind of just proved that I couldn'tve kept him for much longer, even if he did stay. We have a good friendship, but we don't connect as well as we could. I've had some incredible, beautiful moments with him; but they're just that, moments. It lacked consistency.
Last night was fairly terrible. He pushed my buttons, I pushed his. We didn't fight, but it was just...not what I expected.
I appreciated that he set aside personal time to see me, but I felt like I was wasting so much of his time. I've always felt that way about him though. Stealing time from him, when he could be doing something (or someone) more important.
I had hoped to give him a letter, something to remember me by, but I somehow don't think I'll get a chance to, before he leaves. In my everso dramatic fashion, I had imagined I'd write it while we were in Cancun, and I could freely express everything I've always wanted to say to him. I wanted to tell him what an inspiration he is to me. How his drive and amazing outlook on life, changed me a bit. Even though people can't see it yet, I'm a little bolder, a little less scared, having known him. And then, while he's seeing me off at the airport at the end of the trip, I could press it into his hands, we'd embrace for the final time and that would be it. Closure.
But instead, all I could squeak out last night, was a feeble "thank you". I suppose at it's core, at its simplest, that's exactly all I wanted to say.
I wish him the safest, most spectacularly amazing adventure of his life. But knowing him, there is no other option but excellence.
Cancun is more likely than not happening.
I am quite disappointed. I had hoped to have one last whirlwind affair, in a foreign country no less, so I could say I experienced something like that. But que sera sera.
I'm also sad to see him go. It didn't really hit me that he was really leaving, until last night. It's all become very real and I hate goodbyes. I did everything in my power not to start crying at the doorstep and as soon as I reached the apartment, I broke down. I was surprised, but in a way, I think I needed that. Even now, just thinking about it, I can feel myself choking back more tears.
These few months, I'd been trying not to acknowledge the deep feelings I had for him, in an effort to keep things "friendly" and I largely succeeded. But now that it's over, I can let go of these feelings; feel them, acknowledge them and set them free. He resides in a special place in my heart, that all my past lovers go. These are some of the best memories of my life and I can honestly say I feel blessed to have had the chance to know him the way I have.
However, last night kind of just proved that I couldn'tve kept him for much longer, even if he did stay. We have a good friendship, but we don't connect as well as we could. I've had some incredible, beautiful moments with him; but they're just that, moments. It lacked consistency.
Last night was fairly terrible. He pushed my buttons, I pushed his. We didn't fight, but it was just...not what I expected.
I appreciated that he set aside personal time to see me, but I felt like I was wasting so much of his time. I've always felt that way about him though. Stealing time from him, when he could be doing something (or someone) more important.
I had hoped to give him a letter, something to remember me by, but I somehow don't think I'll get a chance to, before he leaves. In my everso dramatic fashion, I had imagined I'd write it while we were in Cancun, and I could freely express everything I've always wanted to say to him. I wanted to tell him what an inspiration he is to me. How his drive and amazing outlook on life, changed me a bit. Even though people can't see it yet, I'm a little bolder, a little less scared, having known him. And then, while he's seeing me off at the airport at the end of the trip, I could press it into his hands, we'd embrace for the final time and that would be it. Closure.
But instead, all I could squeak out last night, was a feeble "thank you". I suppose at it's core, at its simplest, that's exactly all I wanted to say.
I wish him the safest, most spectacularly amazing adventure of his life. But knowing him, there is no other option but excellence.