(no subject)
2005 has crept back, but with that brings the negative. I.e. Drinking all the time, not doing shit with my life, being called a dirty ass whore/tramp/pussy bitch/slut, feeling alone, caring about someone I probably shouldn't, crying all the time, being depressed, and making bad decisions. The only difference is I'm actually working, but I feel as though I'm going to be fired soon so I'm drinking away my sorrows. I'm messing up my life and I know it's only me who can turn it around, but I'm too scared to better myself and then fail again. I want to go back to school and get a better car because deep down I know I deserve the best, but on the surface I don't. I just want to be happy and not so fucking confused. I'm so happy for everyone else and I'm not bitter it's just I want to be utterly happy. I want to be loved. I want to smile and it not be a cover up. I want to feel whole again. Yes, I've had some amazing and happy memories thus far. My friends and family are amazing it's just I'm feeling empty and broken again. My happiness relies on alcohol which I hate, but drinking my sorrows away is the only thing that's been working. I just want to stop this shitty attitude and I've tried, but it's hard for me. I hate being sad and having my friends worry which is why I've been hiding it for the past month, but even for the best fakers of happiness it gets to you. I just need to stop, now.