Im Fed Up
i try not being myself, i try being myself, i try nothing at all. i so disappointed with myself. i feel as if i have no purpose in life. the body which incarcerates my true self is a waste of human existence. part of me is trying to stop myself from being this way, and the other is fighting to keep me like this. i really tried this past week to not be myself and i ended up back where i started. Alone, is this how its going to be? will this be my final try, final cry, final good-bye??? this pain is unbearable. i would like to say once and for all that i blame all of my pain and trepidation on my father. i truthfully say that the last time i was happy was when i have a REAL family. a mom... a dad.... a place i could call home. i am truly grateful for the people who ive met through my non existent life. you know who you are... if you even are considering reading this haha. is it healthy to say i have no foreseeable future?? i have nothing to look forward to, i have no reason, no purpose. i need a sign to go on, i need my fix. i need to feel loved by others, my love is not the norm. i push people away, i dont know anything else. i try soo hard every god forsaken day to find a reason to wake up in the morning, to go on everyday knowing im hiding my true feelings. i hide because its all i know. i am my only friend, i am all i can trust, i am one sad display of a man striving for love and compassion from others. once i get it, others see it as being an asshole, but i see it as all i know. i started talking to this girl i met through a friend. i was just out of the blue. for all i know she could have just been messing with me, here i am again, showing my trust issues. anywho, she wanted to know what i looked like, and i knew what was going to happen once she asked to see a picture. it bothers me when i send a text or message and dont send it back at the same pace. i do everything in my power to send my messages as fast as i can, why cant you? anywho, she read the message but low and behold she never sent a comment back to me. and thats bothered me and brought this entry to you. im getting a headache and sleepy so im going to go to the only place where things make any sense to me.... my dream scape.