oy vey...
Man, today sure has been an interesting day. I feel like I'm riding a big pendulum. Swinging back and forth between being incredibly overwhelmed by life and scared and feeling like a failure, to feeling hopeful and energized and feeling like God will help me get through and maybe even thrive instead of just survive. I guess I'll explain a little bit more. So I've been working at this music store for a little over a month I guess. I thought everything was going fine. Well, okay, except for the fact that I tend to be a little punctually challenged, which I can blame no one but me for, and I believe I've thoroughly pissed off the boss lady in the office (not exactly sure what to call her, but I don't work directly with her). So, on that point, I just need to try extra incredibly hard to be more on time. It is a bit harder when you're carpooling and it's not just me that needs to leave at a certain time. But still, not blaming anyone else. I think I've decided that knowing people are disappointed and angry at you is the worst possible feeling in the world. At least the worst possible feeling I've ever experienced. And the thing is, I have no one to blame but myself. Which really sucks. This whole "real world" thing is a lot harder than I expected. Especially for someone who is such a night owl as myself. I am just so frustrated with myself and I feel like I am failing life, to some degree. There is a part of me, though, that is still an idealist and optimist and wants to believe that dreams do come true, and people can end up living a life of adventure and love what they do for a job. But it is fighting a part of me that is slowly realizing that that's not what the "real world" is about...people have jobs they may not particularly care for, they get so set in a rut or whatever of going to work, coming home, eating dinner, maybe watching some TV or doing some reading, and then just relaxing on the weekends. I, as I said in a previous post, don't want to be that kind of person. I want to make my own adventure in life, I want life to be new everyday. I don't want to just do the same thing all the time. Which is what things are turning out to be so far. I know I need to be realistic and realize that life is not all fun and games, and I need to seriously work, and most likely will have to do things I don't exactly love doing. But on the other hand, is that all life can be? I don't want to have a typical job. I want something that is gonna be new and different everyday. And, as I have experienced before, spending time with God everyday is crucial to everyday joy. Which is another area where I've been failing. I think back to the 2 weeks I spent in Mexico, spending quiet time with God every morning, and time every night writing in my prayer journal. And, ya know, that is THE WAY to live life! With God in control. I think everything I've been going through lately is God's way of saying to me that I can't do it on my own. I haven't been spending time with Him everyday. For all intents and purposes, I've been doing it all on my own. And I have certainly come to realize that that is not working for me. It gets me nowhere positive. In my moments of hopefulness I decide that this is what I need to do: spend a LOT more time with God. I was reminded of this one song last night..."seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Amazing that God can give you just the right words at just the right time. You just have to listen for His voice, and be willing to do so, as I am learning.
The more I think about it, the more I think I would like to be an intern in Mexico, maybe just for a month. I think the main thing holding me back is my lack of Spanish speaking skills. I need to work on learning more Spanish. (Anyone know of any good methods of learning Spanish, other than taking classes?) I think the 2 weeks I spent in Mexico was the closest I ever felt to God. Although, I think that correlates, once again, to the fact that I had been spending much more time with Him every day. But those kids are just soooo cute and sweet, and it breaks my heart that they are at these Children's homes because their family didn't want them, or wasn't able to care for them. I think I enjoy life the most when I am doing something for others. I mean, yeah, working at a music store is a way of helping people. But I don't think I'm cut out to be, nor do I want to be, a business person. There's a reason I wasn't a music business major (even though all logic says that would have been a more realistic choice of major). Here's a neat thing...a few weeks ago, at the end of his sermon, one of our pastors mentioned that our music director was looking for some help. He wasn't very specific, but apparently the music director and another one of the guys on the worship team want to spend more time writing songs, so they need some help in what sounds like the more office type of area, behind the scenes type of stuff. I sent him my resume as well as a cover letter, and he talked to me last Sunday at church. He told me thanks for sending him my resume, and that he's not even entirely sure what kind of help he's looking for, but after reading my resume and letter he thinks I could be a good person to help out, with my background in music and everything. So I'm actually pretty excited to talk to him about that. He was out of town this week at a worship conference, so I won't be able to talk to him until next week. But I hope this works out. Maybe this is more the type of area I should be in. I certainly don't see myself working long term at this music store. I just want a different type of job, maybe in a different state. I still want to live in another area of the country. And once I have enough money to live on my own, and perhaps a job in said new state, I just might make the move.
Another thing...at work, I thought everything had been going just fine. The department I work in has A LOT to learn, and it can be overwhelming. I was talking to the other woman who works in the department (there are a total of 3 of us in my department) and was saying that she is a little concerned that I haven't been picking things up quicker. Which was kind of a surprise there. She was very nice about it, and I really like working with her. If not for her, I might go crazy there. LOL. But she had been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I just was working with the other guy in our department. He's an older guy, very nice, but also very quiet. He didn't really explain things too well, and didn't really give me feedback on how I was doing, so therefore I thought everything was fine. I didn't want to be too annoying and ask lots of questions, and I kinda got the sense that I was annoying him, even though he never really said anything to me. So then I find out that I'm not doing as well as I should be, and in conjunction with the fact that the boss lady in the office is mad at me, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed and somewhat like a failure. Is this an indication that this is not the sort of thing I am cut out to do? Or just an indication that I need to try a lot harder? In my moments of more hopefulness today I think I just need to try a lot harder, depend on God a lot more, and everything will work out. I sure hope that is the case. I have to work tomorrow, then I have 2 days off! Woohoo!
Okay, wow...that was really long. But I really needed to get that off my chest. I feel a little better now. Kinda anxious about going to work tomorrow though. I just to ask God to help me have a good and hard-wroking attitude. I don't want to completely screw up my first post-graduate job. But now it is time for dinner, and we're gonna watch Fun with Dick and Jane, so I'm off now. I could sure use a good, funny movie right about now.
The more I think about it, the more I think I would like to be an intern in Mexico, maybe just for a month. I think the main thing holding me back is my lack of Spanish speaking skills. I need to work on learning more Spanish. (Anyone know of any good methods of learning Spanish, other than taking classes?) I think the 2 weeks I spent in Mexico was the closest I ever felt to God. Although, I think that correlates, once again, to the fact that I had been spending much more time with Him every day. But those kids are just soooo cute and sweet, and it breaks my heart that they are at these Children's homes because their family didn't want them, or wasn't able to care for them. I think I enjoy life the most when I am doing something for others. I mean, yeah, working at a music store is a way of helping people. But I don't think I'm cut out to be, nor do I want to be, a business person. There's a reason I wasn't a music business major (even though all logic says that would have been a more realistic choice of major). Here's a neat thing...a few weeks ago, at the end of his sermon, one of our pastors mentioned that our music director was looking for some help. He wasn't very specific, but apparently the music director and another one of the guys on the worship team want to spend more time writing songs, so they need some help in what sounds like the more office type of area, behind the scenes type of stuff. I sent him my resume as well as a cover letter, and he talked to me last Sunday at church. He told me thanks for sending him my resume, and that he's not even entirely sure what kind of help he's looking for, but after reading my resume and letter he thinks I could be a good person to help out, with my background in music and everything. So I'm actually pretty excited to talk to him about that. He was out of town this week at a worship conference, so I won't be able to talk to him until next week. But I hope this works out. Maybe this is more the type of area I should be in. I certainly don't see myself working long term at this music store. I just want a different type of job, maybe in a different state. I still want to live in another area of the country. And once I have enough money to live on my own, and perhaps a job in said new state, I just might make the move.
Another thing...at work, I thought everything had been going just fine. The department I work in has A LOT to learn, and it can be overwhelming. I was talking to the other woman who works in the department (there are a total of 3 of us in my department) and was saying that she is a little concerned that I haven't been picking things up quicker. Which was kind of a surprise there. She was very nice about it, and I really like working with her. If not for her, I might go crazy there. LOL. But she had been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I just was working with the other guy in our department. He's an older guy, very nice, but also very quiet. He didn't really explain things too well, and didn't really give me feedback on how I was doing, so therefore I thought everything was fine. I didn't want to be too annoying and ask lots of questions, and I kinda got the sense that I was annoying him, even though he never really said anything to me. So then I find out that I'm not doing as well as I should be, and in conjunction with the fact that the boss lady in the office is mad at me, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed and somewhat like a failure. Is this an indication that this is not the sort of thing I am cut out to do? Or just an indication that I need to try a lot harder? In my moments of more hopefulness today I think I just need to try a lot harder, depend on God a lot more, and everything will work out. I sure hope that is the case. I have to work tomorrow, then I have 2 days off! Woohoo!
Okay, wow...that was really long. But I really needed to get that off my chest. I feel a little better now. Kinda anxious about going to work tomorrow though. I just to ask God to help me have a good and hard-wroking attitude. I don't want to completely screw up my first post-graduate job. But now it is time for dinner, and we're gonna watch Fun with Dick and Jane, so I'm off now. I could sure use a good, funny movie right about now.