Apathetic is a pathetic way to be

[bandenthusiast]

I don't know what is with me lately, but I'm really just starting to not care anymore. Like it's weird. In my challenge a week ago I basically was not nervous. I haven't been that not-nervous in a very long time. Then at the concert and at festival I wasn't nervous either. Those performances were just like practicing to me. None of the hype is getting to me anymore. Right now I can't decide if this is a good or a bad thing. I really want something to just motivate me though. Lately I've been on sort of a burn-out I guess. I've just been going so hard for so long, and it's just wearing me down. I'm still working hard in school and stuff because I know that I need the grades, but I kind of have the feeling of "what's the point?". Yes, I know, all of this is getting good grades and doing this and being yanked around and doing that is just so that I can get into the college of my choice, achieve my dreams, and blahblahblah. Seriously though, sometimes I wonder if I really need to be working this hard. Other times it's not if I should be working this hard though, sometimes I'm wondering if I could be doing more, if I could be doing better, working harder, etc. There are some classes that I feel like I'm putting my heart, soul, and all of my time and energy in to, and then there are the other ones that I seem to be slacking off in. I know I could do so much better in Chemistry if I would just try harder, but I get to that class and I'm always so tired and if I don't understand something it's easy enough to bs my way into sort of understanding and making an average grade. Sometimes I just lack the motivation to try harder though. I'm getting good grades, I'm passing, I'm concidered smart. Sometimes I feel like that's good enough and I don't need to do more. I could probably get straight A's if I tried a little harder. I could probably be outstanding. Why though? If I'm already doing well and everything. It's like I start off the year and I'm all motivated and everything and I'm like "I'm going to do so well and these are all of my goals that I WILL achieve" and by now I'm just coasting, waiting for the year to be over.

I guess I also have a problem with taking the easy road too much. One of my goals for the year is to be healthier, but I haven't exactly started doing anything to improve yet. I keep telling myself that I will, but it doesn't seem to ever happen. A thing that I really need to be doing is running and walking long distances to train for a trip that I'm taking this summer. Have I been training? No. My excuse? I don't want to run by myself. I don't have enough time. I'm too tired. There's so much that I could've already done to be conditioning but I just haven't done it. I think what I need to do is just make a strict schedule for myself that I will make myself stick to. I'm probably going to hate it until I make it a regular routine, but hey, life's not always going to be a barrel of fun now is it? So I think that's what I'm going to do right now. I'm going to sit down (or stay sitting...) and I'm going to plan out an after school schedule that will work in excercising at some point or another.

I guess the only thing left is for me to ask, does anyone want to start running with me? =\