(no subject)
last night was terrible
i had 1 whiskey shot and 1 very full cup of beer and 1 cup of "hunchpunch" and then 1 guinness
we were at an apartment party and then we had to leave to go pick up some beer from a band party that a guy had bought me
and im glad i went to that band party, because i met some people that i had wanted to talk to and im deffinately going to the next one and staying for awhile because its much easier to meet people that way.
then we went back to the apartment party
and i said, "listen, michael, this is the last time that im gonna ask, but are you okay?"
"what do you mean?"
"are you happy?"
"yeah, i mean i guess im ust not sure about how this party is going to go"
then i started telling him about this morning and how i thought that he was picking out things about me that were indecisive or the least bit detectible without having to ask a question.
it feels like i was being picked apart by him, and watched every second until i made a mistake
and i told him that i tried really hard to not say "i guess" or "maybe" but it still felt like you were picking on me. almost TRYING to find things that wernt anything warranted to get frustrated about.
like this morning, i asked him if they had a gig today, which i knew that they did but i was just asking to get specifics about it. to bring it up, i guess, not to be sarcasic. and he responds with a very sarcastic, "no katie, no we dont" and i didnt detect the sarcasm and said "oh really? did it get cancelled?" and he was like "katie, we do, you knew that" i thought that was mean. but anyways i brought that up as an example and he appologized for it and said that he was really sorry, and i really appreciated that because he did see that it was not a very nice thing to do and it is just illogical for me to have to watch what questions that i ask and keep track of the ones that i have asked already. thats rediculus and im not doing that.
but anyways, it just felt like he was being curt with me the second time i met up with him as well and i just started thinking..."he himself told me that i shouldnt be with someone who disrespects me. or treats me meanly. he is. why am i with someone who is mean to me?"
so anyways, those thoughts were swirling around in my drunken mind and i just wanted to tell him all about it and have a conversation about it so he would know all of my feelings. but i think that he just expected that i wanted an apology and then that would stop my talking. but after i kept on going, he was like "katie, what do i do? i already apologized" (very earnestly)
but i just wanted to talk to him about it, i wanted to have a conversation with him, and it felt like he wanted to just get it overwith as soon as possible. and i mean, i dont blame him, thats probably not the most enjoyable thing in the world, to talk with me about what makes me upset when you could be having a good, care-free time with the keg. so i do, i really do understand where he's coming from, but anyways, we had to start leaving because our ride was going home. so we talked a little bit in the car, and i wasnt crying yet, i just wanted to talk to him about something that was very important in my mind and i wanted to get it all out so we could TALK about it and we could fix it...but i wasnt doing a good job organizing my thoughts and presenting them in a good way, so he started saying that i drank too much, and maybe we should talk about this when im sober. and i mean, i completely agree, that wasnt something to talk about when i was more than tipsy, but i just got frustrated that i couldnt get out what i was saying, and i felt like i wanted to so bad and he was telling me to stop....thats what i felt at the moment, so i was frustrated. but i completely agree with his reasoning. anyways, but then he got frustrated, he said, so he said "maybe you should just grow up, katie" tears starting streaming down my face. i could stop it
and after those words fell from his lips (the lips that kissed mine--that said "i love you") i dont think that i have ever felt more stupid in my entire life. and i am dead serious. i think this outweighs the time that i fell down the steps in front of mom and dad's friends completely wet and naked. this trumps that time. i felt SO indescribably stupid for multiple reasons. i felt stupid for crying. i felt stupid for having something wrong, because he obviously didnt want to deal with it right now. i felt stupid for trusting people with my safety while i was impaired. i felt like i wanted someone there. anybody, lauren veronica, my mom even. somebody who could just hold me and tell me that its okay and take care of me. i felt stupid mostly for crying and there being something wrong, and that made me even more sad. so it was like a vicious cycle of upset-ness. and i readily admit that that cycle is typical of a drunk person, i doubt that i would have cried like that without being able to stop if i was sober. but anyways...i wasnt sober so i cried, and we got out of the car to his house and he asked why i was crying and i told him that i was because he told me to grow up (really it was a conglomeration of things) but he said that he was sorry for saying that, and he was frustrated.
then we went inside and he took me into his room and i thought we were going to talk or something, but he said that he had to go out and watch everybody else because grant was asleep and they had cocaine with them. he had told me this before and i asked if he was going to try it and he sad that he wasnt sure, but he would deffinately talk to me about it before he does.
anyways, change scene back to the bedroom. i was basicaly still upset and asking myself why im here and where my carkeys are and i just really feel like crying again and it feels like he just can not wait to leave me. it felt like i was being a big stupid burden and i just felt SO stupid for crying because i didnt want him to feel like he had a burden-girlfriend on his hands and the fact that i have cried before when i got drunk was no help. but every other time, i was better the next morning. its the next morning and im still crying.
anyways so i told him that i wanted to be alone, because he explained to me that he had to take care of these people outside. and i felt reallyreally stupid for crying and i felt like a nuisance. i felt so stupid so i told him that i wanted to be alone so he wouldnt have to make the choice about whether to stay or leave, because he had a responsibility. but really i wanted him to be there. i dont care if he just hugged me until i finished crying and didnt say a word, i just wanted him there and tell me that i wasnt stupid and i wasnt a burden. because that was my overwhelming emotion.
so i cried a lot when he left, and people came in the bathroom and snorted coke. he came in once and said that he loved me and wished that he could take care of me, but he had all of these people outside. that made it a bit better, but then i just kept on wondering if he was just having a dandy time and forgetting all about me. and if he had done the coke himself. after about 15 minutes i just couldnt stay there anymore. i couldnt stand it. so i tried to find my keys, and i didnt want to make a scene and walk outside with my eyes all red. i just really didnt want people to know that i was upset. because i felt so stupid. michael even told me that it was stupid [in so many words] so i didnt know what to do. so i went into the bathroom to check how red my eyes were and if you could tell that i had been crying. and you could deffinately tell that i had been crying...i looked aweful.
so then brant and thomas come into the bathroom and they said something like "battito, you comin?" ...they were suprised to see me there. and they (of course) could tell i had been crying and i told them that i was just now leaving, and michael was at the door. i think he was about to snort coke with them. but he left behind me and grabbed his keys and followed me out the door to give me a ride. i asked him what he was doing in the bathroom and he said "you know, katie, i told you that people were going to be coming into that bathroom a lot" it didnt answer my question, but i didnt retort.
then he asked if i was okay and said that he loved me, and i, in a frenzy of emotions and thought, said "do you?" (because he wasnt taking care of me since i was sad) and he groaned and leaped back and put his hands on his eyes like he didnt know what to do and he was frustrated. and i just sighed really deep because if felt like i was just confirming the belief to myself that i am burdening him and frustrating him. so i dont talk very much after that. then he took me to my dorm and i walked inside and catlin and becky were there with some big black guy (of course) and they were being loud. so i came in my room and took off my jewelry and drowned them out by turning on the record player. (that stinks that it was nico, she such a somber singer) i took off my pants and he tucked me into bed. and he seemed sad that i was sad. i told him that i didnt want him to be sad. he said that he had to go take care of the people at his house. and he said that he wanted to be with me because i took care of him when he was really sad one time. but he didnt want to have to ask 15 people to leave because of me bc it would make me feel bad that they all left on my account (which i wanted to call him out on that explanation and tell him that i didnt at all think that that was the reason that he didnt ask them to leave, and i dont think that he should make it out to be an act of kindness towards me that he kept them there. he just didnt want to anger 15 people who also had coke) and he said to call him if i needed anything. and he left. and i cried for the whole record. then i went to sleep.
i got up this morning around 11am or so. i cant find my phone and my keys are somewhere at michael's. after looking around on my phone i put on beirut and starting writing this. it took me an hour to do it, though, because i cried quite a bit. im crying now, as i type. and thats never happened before after a night like last night. because i think i have cried in front of him drunk about 5 times before. but last night i felt like some of it was warranted since this morning i am stone sober and still sad. and still feel stupid. and still wondering if he did coke last night. and wondering if he had a great time after i left and forgot that i was upset after the second game of quarters. i keep on wondering if i really was completely alone last night. its an interesting coincidence that i didnt have any phone. what a perfect metaphor. he said that i could call him if i needed him, but i had no means to tell him i needed him. if he did forget about me and he did do coke and he had a great time and got really drunk and forgot about me all together, then i was completely alone last night. what a sad thought--i was completely alone last night, in every sense of the word.
anyways. to sum it up, i realize that last night my reasons for being sad were not very substantial, but i was very sad. and i felt so stupid, i cant describe to you how dumb i felt that i was crying. i felt like a burden. i felt like i was being something that i hated--the girlfriend who needs attention and has a problem. but mainly i felt alone. and thats why im crying this morning. becase looking back on the sad story, i feel sad that i was left alone. that i had to deal with that all on my own last night. i feel sad that, like he said, i helped him when he was really sad and didnt know why he was crying (he wasnt drunk, though), and last night i was placed in 2 dark rooms by myself and handled it on my own. and i dont know whether i simply want an "im sorry" from him...i dont know whether that would make it all better instantly, but i want to TALK to him about it. because i dont want to be sad anymore, i want to be happy with him, i want that so badly, thats why i am going to bring this all up. but i dont want to feel like hes saying whatever he can to get me to stop crying or being upset. i want to have a conversation with him about all of this and hear what he has to say about it all.
ugh, i just dont know what to do. i dont have a phone, i dont know how i am going to talk to him. i was thinking about just walking over to his house around 2 or so. people should be gone by then.
i dont want to be sad anymore.
hes a good person and he didnt mean to make me sad
we just need to talk
i had 1 whiskey shot and 1 very full cup of beer and 1 cup of "hunchpunch" and then 1 guinness
we were at an apartment party and then we had to leave to go pick up some beer from a band party that a guy had bought me
and im glad i went to that band party, because i met some people that i had wanted to talk to and im deffinately going to the next one and staying for awhile because its much easier to meet people that way.
then we went back to the apartment party
and i said, "listen, michael, this is the last time that im gonna ask, but are you okay?"
"what do you mean?"
"are you happy?"
"yeah, i mean i guess im ust not sure about how this party is going to go"
then i started telling him about this morning and how i thought that he was picking out things about me that were indecisive or the least bit detectible without having to ask a question.
it feels like i was being picked apart by him, and watched every second until i made a mistake
and i told him that i tried really hard to not say "i guess" or "maybe" but it still felt like you were picking on me. almost TRYING to find things that wernt anything warranted to get frustrated about.
like this morning, i asked him if they had a gig today, which i knew that they did but i was just asking to get specifics about it. to bring it up, i guess, not to be sarcasic. and he responds with a very sarcastic, "no katie, no we dont" and i didnt detect the sarcasm and said "oh really? did it get cancelled?" and he was like "katie, we do, you knew that" i thought that was mean. but anyways i brought that up as an example and he appologized for it and said that he was really sorry, and i really appreciated that because he did see that it was not a very nice thing to do and it is just illogical for me to have to watch what questions that i ask and keep track of the ones that i have asked already. thats rediculus and im not doing that.
but anyways, it just felt like he was being curt with me the second time i met up with him as well and i just started thinking..."he himself told me that i shouldnt be with someone who disrespects me. or treats me meanly. he is. why am i with someone who is mean to me?"
so anyways, those thoughts were swirling around in my drunken mind and i just wanted to tell him all about it and have a conversation about it so he would know all of my feelings. but i think that he just expected that i wanted an apology and then that would stop my talking. but after i kept on going, he was like "katie, what do i do? i already apologized" (very earnestly)
but i just wanted to talk to him about it, i wanted to have a conversation with him, and it felt like he wanted to just get it overwith as soon as possible. and i mean, i dont blame him, thats probably not the most enjoyable thing in the world, to talk with me about what makes me upset when you could be having a good, care-free time with the keg. so i do, i really do understand where he's coming from, but anyways, we had to start leaving because our ride was going home. so we talked a little bit in the car, and i wasnt crying yet, i just wanted to talk to him about something that was very important in my mind and i wanted to get it all out so we could TALK about it and we could fix it...but i wasnt doing a good job organizing my thoughts and presenting them in a good way, so he started saying that i drank too much, and maybe we should talk about this when im sober. and i mean, i completely agree, that wasnt something to talk about when i was more than tipsy, but i just got frustrated that i couldnt get out what i was saying, and i felt like i wanted to so bad and he was telling me to stop....thats what i felt at the moment, so i was frustrated. but i completely agree with his reasoning. anyways, but then he got frustrated, he said, so he said "maybe you should just grow up, katie" tears starting streaming down my face. i could stop it
and after those words fell from his lips (the lips that kissed mine--that said "i love you") i dont think that i have ever felt more stupid in my entire life. and i am dead serious. i think this outweighs the time that i fell down the steps in front of mom and dad's friends completely wet and naked. this trumps that time. i felt SO indescribably stupid for multiple reasons. i felt stupid for crying. i felt stupid for having something wrong, because he obviously didnt want to deal with it right now. i felt stupid for trusting people with my safety while i was impaired. i felt like i wanted someone there. anybody, lauren veronica, my mom even. somebody who could just hold me and tell me that its okay and take care of me. i felt stupid mostly for crying and there being something wrong, and that made me even more sad. so it was like a vicious cycle of upset-ness. and i readily admit that that cycle is typical of a drunk person, i doubt that i would have cried like that without being able to stop if i was sober. but anyways...i wasnt sober so i cried, and we got out of the car to his house and he asked why i was crying and i told him that i was because he told me to grow up (really it was a conglomeration of things) but he said that he was sorry for saying that, and he was frustrated.
then we went inside and he took me into his room and i thought we were going to talk or something, but he said that he had to go out and watch everybody else because grant was asleep and they had cocaine with them. he had told me this before and i asked if he was going to try it and he sad that he wasnt sure, but he would deffinately talk to me about it before he does.
anyways, change scene back to the bedroom. i was basicaly still upset and asking myself why im here and where my carkeys are and i just really feel like crying again and it feels like he just can not wait to leave me. it felt like i was being a big stupid burden and i just felt SO stupid for crying because i didnt want him to feel like he had a burden-girlfriend on his hands and the fact that i have cried before when i got drunk was no help. but every other time, i was better the next morning. its the next morning and im still crying.
anyways so i told him that i wanted to be alone, because he explained to me that he had to take care of these people outside. and i felt reallyreally stupid for crying and i felt like a nuisance. i felt so stupid so i told him that i wanted to be alone so he wouldnt have to make the choice about whether to stay or leave, because he had a responsibility. but really i wanted him to be there. i dont care if he just hugged me until i finished crying and didnt say a word, i just wanted him there and tell me that i wasnt stupid and i wasnt a burden. because that was my overwhelming emotion.
so i cried a lot when he left, and people came in the bathroom and snorted coke. he came in once and said that he loved me and wished that he could take care of me, but he had all of these people outside. that made it a bit better, but then i just kept on wondering if he was just having a dandy time and forgetting all about me. and if he had done the coke himself. after about 15 minutes i just couldnt stay there anymore. i couldnt stand it. so i tried to find my keys, and i didnt want to make a scene and walk outside with my eyes all red. i just really didnt want people to know that i was upset. because i felt so stupid. michael even told me that it was stupid [in so many words] so i didnt know what to do. so i went into the bathroom to check how red my eyes were and if you could tell that i had been crying. and you could deffinately tell that i had been crying...i looked aweful.
so then brant and thomas come into the bathroom and they said something like "battito, you comin?" ...they were suprised to see me there. and they (of course) could tell i had been crying and i told them that i was just now leaving, and michael was at the door. i think he was about to snort coke with them. but he left behind me and grabbed his keys and followed me out the door to give me a ride. i asked him what he was doing in the bathroom and he said "you know, katie, i told you that people were going to be coming into that bathroom a lot" it didnt answer my question, but i didnt retort.
then he asked if i was okay and said that he loved me, and i, in a frenzy of emotions and thought, said "do you?" (because he wasnt taking care of me since i was sad) and he groaned and leaped back and put his hands on his eyes like he didnt know what to do and he was frustrated. and i just sighed really deep because if felt like i was just confirming the belief to myself that i am burdening him and frustrating him. so i dont talk very much after that. then he took me to my dorm and i walked inside and catlin and becky were there with some big black guy (of course) and they were being loud. so i came in my room and took off my jewelry and drowned them out by turning on the record player. (that stinks that it was nico, she such a somber singer) i took off my pants and he tucked me into bed. and he seemed sad that i was sad. i told him that i didnt want him to be sad. he said that he had to go take care of the people at his house. and he said that he wanted to be with me because i took care of him when he was really sad one time. but he didnt want to have to ask 15 people to leave because of me bc it would make me feel bad that they all left on my account (which i wanted to call him out on that explanation and tell him that i didnt at all think that that was the reason that he didnt ask them to leave, and i dont think that he should make it out to be an act of kindness towards me that he kept them there. he just didnt want to anger 15 people who also had coke) and he said to call him if i needed anything. and he left. and i cried for the whole record. then i went to sleep.
i got up this morning around 11am or so. i cant find my phone and my keys are somewhere at michael's. after looking around on my phone i put on beirut and starting writing this. it took me an hour to do it, though, because i cried quite a bit. im crying now, as i type. and thats never happened before after a night like last night. because i think i have cried in front of him drunk about 5 times before. but last night i felt like some of it was warranted since this morning i am stone sober and still sad. and still feel stupid. and still wondering if he did coke last night. and wondering if he had a great time after i left and forgot that i was upset after the second game of quarters. i keep on wondering if i really was completely alone last night. its an interesting coincidence that i didnt have any phone. what a perfect metaphor. he said that i could call him if i needed him, but i had no means to tell him i needed him. if he did forget about me and he did do coke and he had a great time and got really drunk and forgot about me all together, then i was completely alone last night. what a sad thought--i was completely alone last night, in every sense of the word.
anyways. to sum it up, i realize that last night my reasons for being sad were not very substantial, but i was very sad. and i felt so stupid, i cant describe to you how dumb i felt that i was crying. i felt like a burden. i felt like i was being something that i hated--the girlfriend who needs attention and has a problem. but mainly i felt alone. and thats why im crying this morning. becase looking back on the sad story, i feel sad that i was left alone. that i had to deal with that all on my own last night. i feel sad that, like he said, i helped him when he was really sad and didnt know why he was crying (he wasnt drunk, though), and last night i was placed in 2 dark rooms by myself and handled it on my own. and i dont know whether i simply want an "im sorry" from him...i dont know whether that would make it all better instantly, but i want to TALK to him about it. because i dont want to be sad anymore, i want to be happy with him, i want that so badly, thats why i am going to bring this all up. but i dont want to feel like hes saying whatever he can to get me to stop crying or being upset. i want to have a conversation with him about all of this and hear what he has to say about it all.
ugh, i just dont know what to do. i dont have a phone, i dont know how i am going to talk to him. i was thinking about just walking over to his house around 2 or so. people should be gone by then.
i dont want to be sad anymore.
hes a good person and he didnt mean to make me sad
we just need to talk