And Life Goes On
I always liked live journal. I like to see my thoughts written down, it gives me closure, but for some reason just writing anywhere doesn't cut it.
It's probably been years since I've written here, but I find that time doesn't really matter I still struggle with the same insecurities and troubles that I had back in high school and college.
I am a perfectionist and I think it will slowly kill me. I have been working so hard this year at my new job, I can't believe it's been already 8 months since I started and even though there are only two more left, it feels like it can't come fast enough. I had a concert on Monday and I was so stressed out I could barely eat. I stayed after school sometimes four days a week to practice and we practiced for two weeks in the gym as a group, and even though Friday went well, I still felt like it wasn't enough. I guess it is a learning experience because there are so many things I would do different next time. But it took so much out of me I don't think I want to do that again.
As much as I believe in music education for everyone, I hate forcing kids to have to take part because it makes them and me more miserable. I wish music education in schools could be voluntary after the fifth grade. I also wish there weren't so many challenges to deal with in inner city schools. There is not enough support between the students with learning disabilities and ADHD, and the ones that just hate being there. Don't get me wrong, I have a learning disability so I'm not saying I don't want them in my class. It's just that in the classroom it is so hard when these students take so much attention away from the rest of the class and sometimes rarely anything productive gets done. I feel that in some cases these students should have someone with them for extra help. I mean, I had a math learning disability and being in Title I was extremely helpful until they took me out of it because I got a high score on one testing fifth grade which was probably because I was getting the help I needed. I could have really used the extra help in middle and high school. Another thing, kids have no respect for authority at all these days. I talk about it with teachers in my work. They have no fear of anyone because they are not taught respect at home. Nothing phases them, not even yelling and screaming, not detention. Not anything. And it doesn't help that I'm not strict by nature. I just want to teach and get kids involved, which I am achieving but it is a struggle every single day. I wish I had more self-confidence and did not need constant validation from others and I wish I weren't so damn jealous of everyone. I need to be easier on myself but I work myself up until I am an anxious mess and can no longer function. It is only my first year teaching general music.
It's probably been years since I've written here, but I find that time doesn't really matter I still struggle with the same insecurities and troubles that I had back in high school and college.
I am a perfectionist and I think it will slowly kill me. I have been working so hard this year at my new job, I can't believe it's been already 8 months since I started and even though there are only two more left, it feels like it can't come fast enough. I had a concert on Monday and I was so stressed out I could barely eat. I stayed after school sometimes four days a week to practice and we practiced for two weeks in the gym as a group, and even though Friday went well, I still felt like it wasn't enough. I guess it is a learning experience because there are so many things I would do different next time. But it took so much out of me I don't think I want to do that again.
As much as I believe in music education for everyone, I hate forcing kids to have to take part because it makes them and me more miserable. I wish music education in schools could be voluntary after the fifth grade. I also wish there weren't so many challenges to deal with in inner city schools. There is not enough support between the students with learning disabilities and ADHD, and the ones that just hate being there. Don't get me wrong, I have a learning disability so I'm not saying I don't want them in my class. It's just that in the classroom it is so hard when these students take so much attention away from the rest of the class and sometimes rarely anything productive gets done. I feel that in some cases these students should have someone with them for extra help. I mean, I had a math learning disability and being in Title I was extremely helpful until they took me out of it because I got a high score on one testing fifth grade which was probably because I was getting the help I needed. I could have really used the extra help in middle and high school. Another thing, kids have no respect for authority at all these days. I talk about it with teachers in my work. They have no fear of anyone because they are not taught respect at home. Nothing phases them, not even yelling and screaming, not detention. Not anything. And it doesn't help that I'm not strict by nature. I just want to teach and get kids involved, which I am achieving but it is a struggle every single day. I wish I had more self-confidence and did not need constant validation from others and I wish I weren't so damn jealous of everyone. I need to be easier on myself but I work myself up until I am an anxious mess and can no longer function. It is only my first year teaching general music.