(no subject)
I don't know what this entry is. It started out being a venting entry. Turned in to a horrible pity story. Switched to a cry for acceptance. And ended in me having an emotional, sobbing episode. Whatever this is, I don't mean this to be an attack. And I hope that's not how it comes across.
I think the problem with both (Muncie and Indy) NC groups is that I don't feel needed. I feel replacable. It's that I know they hang out all the time with each other without me, so when they do take the time to invite me to hang out with them, I feel awkward. And I know it's not all their fault. When they do choose to invite me, I choose to turn them down a lot and continue the cycle that I'm so unhappy in. It just hurts. I see pictures of them all hanging out and being so happy. And then them telling me all about the events that everyone seemed to be at except me. And I know I was just doing stuff around home, so I wasn't too busy to go, to be there with them, but I wasn't invited.
I realize these groups can function without me. That's not what makes this hurt so bad. It's that they don't even seem to want me to contribute.
I don't know why I feel like that. But I do. Maybe it's because I've always been an extremely jealous person. That's probably it. Let's contribute it all to my character. Sure. Or maybe that the love langauge I need to recieve is words of affirmation, what I would view as being invited to events. But my friends don't realize that's what I need, that's what I desire and so I'm not being given it. Whatever.
If I knew about any of these events before hand and was something I'm not, maybe I'd start sneakily inviting myself to them. But no. That's not me. I don't do that. And I shouldn't have to! When friends hang out, it's not something (or shouldn't be something) that you need to be invited to. But that's how I feel. That I need to be invited. That I need to be needed there. Wanted there. And I'm just not getting that.
And I think part of why this hurts so much is that I know I haven't done anything to stop this. I've let it build up. I let it build up all last summer with the Indy girls. And then I let it build up all school year with the NC gang in Muncie. And now I'm noticing it again and I've only been home for three weeks. So what have I done to fill the time? Hung out with myself. And my 30 and 35 year old sisters. I love my sisters. I love hanging out with them. We have lots of good times together. But I'm in college and it just might be nice to get invitations to hang out with people other than them. Especially during the school year when I'm in a two minute radius of everyone.
And this is not all the NC girls that I feel this way around. There are exceptions. And there is an exception or two within the NC gang as well. But overall, I hate this. And I don't understand why it's happening. I don't want to be that friend that people dread showing up at their events. But they invite them out of courtesy or pity. Or maybe even sincerity every once in a while. And I don't think I am that person. But sometimes it sure feels like it. It feels like when I do get invited to hang out, that it's an afterthought. Or just because I overheard someone alluding to it and now they feel obligated.
I don't know what God is trying to teach me with this, but I wish I would learn it faster, because this is painful.
Dear God,
I trust you because I know you know what you are doing. You call me friend and you never leave me. And throughout my life you have blessed me with wonderful, caring, compassionate friends, people who would never seek to harm me or leave me. But right now, I feel outcast by them all the same.
Help me to control my jealously so that I may truly appreciate these people you have placed in my life to teach me something. That my motives for being even as little as their acquaintance are completely pure. Teach me this hand in hand with learning to be humble. Help me to understand that it's ok for people to have parts of their lives that include others, but not me.
Help me to learn wisdom so that I may set reasonable standards for my friendships with people. Standards that are trying yet attainable. And standards that will help to strengthen and grow all of my relationships.
Please hold me. Please let me feel your presence. Please, Lord. Please.