Only God can judge me.
I'm taking a deep breathe because I don't even know where to begin.
In less than 24 hours, I will be joining BTL DWTL (Born to Love: Days With the Lord) 19 and I am not prepared. Physically, yes. Spiritually, yes. Mentally, no I am totally breaking down.
Because I did not attend the orientation, I did not know I was supposed to "deface" my Php1 coin. They specifically said, "Shine your coin!" SHINE. That's exactly what I did. I shined it, only to find out that the shining is an obsession that people not only stress on, but actually do.
I am lost for words. Really. People come up to me and ask me how my coin is and I go telling them I had no idea I was supposed to rub it and shine it until it becomes like a mirror (yes it's possible), and they react like it's a death wish. Honestly! Supposedly, if it's not shiny enough, there will be tough consequences.
Because I study in an all-girls school, they won't beat me up. But they do it in all-boys' schools. I was shocked beyond belief. That coin makes you or breaks you. Some of the participants are telling me they shine all the time and spend hours on it. Hours. I spent a glorious time of 15 minutes in total shining! Because I didn't know.
And they expect to shine the whole night? I have an ACET essay to do! It's probably hypocritical of me to say that especially since I'm finding time to blog, but at this point, I've surrendered myself to the Lord. Everyone can judge me because I didn't shine my coin. But God won't base my moral values on that coin alone!
I hear things that come from people saying that the coin represents your faith and how, when you are asked, to just do something blindly and keep making it better. How you take care of it represents how you handle faith and how you work for it. SCREW THAT. No one can tell me my faith isn't strong just because some people said so. Even if I did know about it weeks before, I'm not going to obsess and shine like my life depended on it.
The way I see people react towards it is downright scary. It's like a cult. They freak out about it and everything. That's too much worship for an inanimate object, even if it did represent something like faith. There's an invisible line for me that this whole Days has crossed. Like there's this one classmate I have, who stayed up the night before shining the whole night, crying. Because she was scared.
I'm not scared. They can't hurt me, physically. I heard that the consequence depends on your coin. Like, they make you sleep in a scary/haunted place alone. Well, dark and haunted places don't scare me because I actually embrace that kind of thing. I'm trained to survive and make most of what I have. So if I have to sleep behind the library or in the middle of the Segovia building, so be it!
It's supposed to be a recollection/retreat. Isn't that the whole point of a retreat/recollection? To take a rest from the world and focus our relationship with God? It's not some frat/sorority deal. Yes, we prepare for it, but not like this.
This is sounding way too formal. It doesn't contain the rage I have right now. I'm very incoherent right now, which is really bad thing.
So I asked my family for help, and they literally defaced my coin for me. My dad used a rock that is used for sharpening knives, and yes it is defaced. But it's got a billion scratches that can't ever be removed. They said I wasn't supposed to use that or sandpaper, but I didn't know they were referring to defacing it like that. At least my dad loves me enough (even if he thinks this whole thing is absurd and crazy and I completely agree) to deface it for me.
Now I understand the sentiments of those who feel so appalled by the thought of religion. Because some people really push it down your throat. I'm only really understanding it now. It was so easy to love the Lord because no one pushed me to do it. I openly looked for it, and that's why I believe I have a strong relationship with Him. I just can't believe some people really push that hard. Especially with object-worship.
I love the Lord and He loves me. It's as simple as that. If I have to sleep in the big field, I don't mind. To others, I may look like an ignorant Pharisee. But I don't care what people think of me. It's not my fault I'm not socially aware that people were shining during class, or I hear the latest gossip about certain things. It doesn't matter, because I don't judge people in this way.
I just. Really. I can't even sentence properly.