my frustrations and why I dont always feel my love.
I just got home from work. holy crap, my feet hurt.
Im eating milk and cookies before I climb into bed.
Im trying to keep up with all of the events that are going on. All of the things that are happening in my life and my memories, my dreams and my fears. Though, fears arent always something you want to hold on to, its nice to look back and say, I dont have that anymore, or know its been resolved.
Well, today I was so worried by the feelings or lack of feelings I have, the thoughts that come with that and what does it all mean???
I know, with all of my heart, I love Seth. I KNOW I love him. But for some reason, as of late, I havent been feeling it. Its been on my mind all day.
I mean, I have this feeling, but in my mind and in my heart, I know I love Seth, but then I question, how can I love someone so much with all my heart and not feel it? Does that mean that I dont really love him? because thats not what I know. so... it kinda threw me off. I was so bothered by it. I dont want Seth to get second best love. Or third best.
See, even though I cant always feel it, I know I love him because I know I am very lucky to have him, I know that he is an amazing man, I know that Id be a fool to think I didnt love him, and I know that if I didnt have him in my life, I would be heart broken. Ultimately, I want him to be happy.
I talked and thought a lot over in my head about why this could be.
there is a lot going on in both of our worlds. he has to be out of his place as of monday, and he is still moving out and still hasnt found a place to live. I am working two jobs and giving him a ride to work each morning. Im trying to help him out as much as possible. But money is tight and I have bills to be paid. On top of that, Seth keeps bugging me about discovery and if Ive signed up for it yet, and if I had gone many months ago, we could be together by now and yadda yadda yadda. bleh. That has been stressful. especially since gas is $3.19 ish. ugh. Everything is costing me more money and Im behind on my part of the rent. So that on top of this, ugh. Then it bugs me that Seth doesnt take good care of himself. I dont want to have to be a mother to him. He doesnt eat healthy, then doesnt take good care of his stuff. aka, his car or his furniture, or whatever.... So its just been one small thing on top of another. Im tired, and the little things are starting to bug the crap outta me. And how many times do I have to remind you to brush your teeth? :/ okay. this is me venting. I dont mean any harm.
Because even in all of these things, I love him with all of my heart. And because I love him, it bothers me that some things bother me. If I love him, why cant I not be bothered by small, unimportant things? Oh, perhaps because they are important things to me.
I only want the best for him.
Another thing that is bothering me, is that if he is trusting God to take care of his living sittuation, how can God do anything or show you anything if you arent working to look for it? If you arent out there searching? I just wish he would make a little bit more of an effort for things to get done. Instead of sitting around just waiting for God to shove something in your face. its like if youre asleep, or your head is down, how can God show you something if you wont open your eyes? blah blah blah.
After thinking about all of this, I still know I love Seth. I want him to know that no matter how I feel, I love him. My emotions dont change my love for him.
Aw babe, I love you. maybe you wont read this, but I love you with all of my heart. you are my sugar and I love you the most.
Im eating milk and cookies before I climb into bed.
Im trying to keep up with all of the events that are going on. All of the things that are happening in my life and my memories, my dreams and my fears. Though, fears arent always something you want to hold on to, its nice to look back and say, I dont have that anymore, or know its been resolved.
Well, today I was so worried by the feelings or lack of feelings I have, the thoughts that come with that and what does it all mean???
I know, with all of my heart, I love Seth. I KNOW I love him. But for some reason, as of late, I havent been feeling it. Its been on my mind all day.
I mean, I have this feeling, but in my mind and in my heart, I know I love Seth, but then I question, how can I love someone so much with all my heart and not feel it? Does that mean that I dont really love him? because thats not what I know. so... it kinda threw me off. I was so bothered by it. I dont want Seth to get second best love. Or third best.
See, even though I cant always feel it, I know I love him because I know I am very lucky to have him, I know that he is an amazing man, I know that Id be a fool to think I didnt love him, and I know that if I didnt have him in my life, I would be heart broken. Ultimately, I want him to be happy.
I talked and thought a lot over in my head about why this could be.
there is a lot going on in both of our worlds. he has to be out of his place as of monday, and he is still moving out and still hasnt found a place to live. I am working two jobs and giving him a ride to work each morning. Im trying to help him out as much as possible. But money is tight and I have bills to be paid. On top of that, Seth keeps bugging me about discovery and if Ive signed up for it yet, and if I had gone many months ago, we could be together by now and yadda yadda yadda. bleh. That has been stressful. especially since gas is $3.19 ish. ugh. Everything is costing me more money and Im behind on my part of the rent. So that on top of this, ugh. Then it bugs me that Seth doesnt take good care of himself. I dont want to have to be a mother to him. He doesnt eat healthy, then doesnt take good care of his stuff. aka, his car or his furniture, or whatever.... So its just been one small thing on top of another. Im tired, and the little things are starting to bug the crap outta me. And how many times do I have to remind you to brush your teeth? :/ okay. this is me venting. I dont mean any harm.
Because even in all of these things, I love him with all of my heart. And because I love him, it bothers me that some things bother me. If I love him, why cant I not be bothered by small, unimportant things? Oh, perhaps because they are important things to me.
I only want the best for him.
Another thing that is bothering me, is that if he is trusting God to take care of his living sittuation, how can God do anything or show you anything if you arent working to look for it? If you arent out there searching? I just wish he would make a little bit more of an effort for things to get done. Instead of sitting around just waiting for God to shove something in your face. its like if youre asleep, or your head is down, how can God show you something if you wont open your eyes? blah blah blah.
After thinking about all of this, I still know I love Seth. I want him to know that no matter how I feel, I love him. My emotions dont change my love for him.
Aw babe, I love you. maybe you wont read this, but I love you with all of my heart. you are my sugar and I love you the most.