(no subject)
well. i don't know how well you know me. and i don't know if you know anything about me. but i'll tell you this. when i get mad, like really really mad, i don't go hit things. i don't scream. i don't take it out on everyone around me. i cry. i sit on my bed and stare straight ahead and cry. and while crying, i think of others things that make me md. which makes me cry more. then i think of how everything that makes me mad, is my fault. and i think about how much i can't stand my mother. and i cry more. i cry more, and it becomes more of a slef-pity cry, than a super-duper-angry cry. i then become frazzled at the fact that i can't stand my mother. we don't get along, to say the least. in fact, to say 'we don't get along' is a euphemism. well, i cry because i realize that i can't stand her, and now is when she needs me most, and what-not. i suck.
well. i cried last night, to get to the point. for a long time. for a very long time. i didn't even go to sleep last night because i just cried. i sat up in my bed, because i couldn't lie down, because when i lied down, my nose would get stuffy and i couldn't breathe. well, anyways. i sat up in my bed, and stared out the window at the red moon [ which was beautiful and awesome last night, if you missed, it =(] and i just cried. i thought about what it would be like to be there now. then i thought, "wait, i'm not going to the moon. i didn't get the nasa internship, i didn't get into meteorolgy, i'm doing bad in physics, and i suck at life." so basically i came to the conclusion that i'm a complete failure, and i've achieved nothing. nada. zip. zilch.
oh, back to the point. i was mad. because after asking my mother for about three months, give or take a few weeks, i reminded her last night that there is a $25 deposit due tonight for the youth retreat. she then informed me that i would not be going. so, i turned around. i faced the wall so i wouldn't... kill her. then i turned around again, told her i hate her, and told her to stay out of my life. i'm a lovely person, really. then i cried, as you read in the above paragraph, if you're still with me.
after i was done wallowing in self-pity, i made a plan. i've been saving money. i have over $50 in the pretty little box kristen painted for me. so, tonight at youth group, i'm paying the $25 deposit. and over the next few weeks, i'm going to make the rest of the money at work. since, when you work, you can do that. and no, i'm not telling my mother of my plan- that would mean she had something to do with my life.
my mother has some freakin nerve. in the car this morning, she tried to make small talk. as if she expected me to return the fake conversation. no mom, i don't need to put on a show for kristen, she already knows how much i dislike you, so there is no need for me to pretend to be happy with you. none at all.
whatever. two more exams. english and physics. i heard the english exam was hard as hard gets, but i heard the physics was easy, which makes me happy, since i'll still fail anyways, because that's what i do best.
you say hello, inside i'm screaming i love you. you say goodnight, and in my mind i'm sleeping next to you. you drive away from my car-crash of a heart and i don't know.
well. i cried last night, to get to the point. for a long time. for a very long time. i didn't even go to sleep last night because i just cried. i sat up in my bed, because i couldn't lie down, because when i lied down, my nose would get stuffy and i couldn't breathe. well, anyways. i sat up in my bed, and stared out the window at the red moon [ which was beautiful and awesome last night, if you missed, it =(] and i just cried. i thought about what it would be like to be there now. then i thought, "wait, i'm not going to the moon. i didn't get the nasa internship, i didn't get into meteorolgy, i'm doing bad in physics, and i suck at life." so basically i came to the conclusion that i'm a complete failure, and i've achieved nothing. nada. zip. zilch.
oh, back to the point. i was mad. because after asking my mother for about three months, give or take a few weeks, i reminded her last night that there is a $25 deposit due tonight for the youth retreat. she then informed me that i would not be going. so, i turned around. i faced the wall so i wouldn't... kill her. then i turned around again, told her i hate her, and told her to stay out of my life. i'm a lovely person, really. then i cried, as you read in the above paragraph, if you're still with me.
after i was done wallowing in self-pity, i made a plan. i've been saving money. i have over $50 in the pretty little box kristen painted for me. so, tonight at youth group, i'm paying the $25 deposit. and over the next few weeks, i'm going to make the rest of the money at work. since, when you work, you can do that. and no, i'm not telling my mother of my plan- that would mean she had something to do with my life.
my mother has some freakin nerve. in the car this morning, she tried to make small talk. as if she expected me to return the fake conversation. no mom, i don't need to put on a show for kristen, she already knows how much i dislike you, so there is no need for me to pretend to be happy with you. none at all.
whatever. two more exams. english and physics. i heard the english exam was hard as hard gets, but i heard the physics was easy, which makes me happy, since i'll still fail anyways, because that's what i do best.
you say hello, inside i'm screaming i love you. you say goodnight, and in my mind i'm sleeping next to you. you drive away from my car-crash of a heart and i don't know.