Paper Wings, Ch. 20
In several ways, their parents' plot to separate them failed, and in one way it succeeded. When their father thought about it, their intention of isolating them from each other by sending Joe away wasn't effective. It only made them need each other more. The fact that Joe decided to make the move to live on a military base in Georgia, and Kevin went with him without any hesitation, made him see how much their lives and happiness were irreversibly entwined.
He saw it too in what Nick became. He was the only "success" in this experiment to "save" them by parting them. He was the one left behind, sliced from the hearts of his brothers by his own actions, led by feelings that would never have surfaced without the situation into which the boys were thrown. Still - he was the one that changed. He was also the one that was broken.
Nick led a separate life from his brothers now. He was still playing, making music, and the fans loved him as much now, with a stool and an acoustic guitar, as they loved him with his brothers. He was happy that hadn't changed. He drew his strength from their acceptance. He was able to come to terms with his mistakes and, though he couldn't take them back, he could forgive himself for them. He hoped that his brothers would be able to one day forgive him as well.
The day he drove into the secure, gated community where his brothers, his loves, now resides, he was reassured of his decision to reach otut to them by the fact that his name was one of the few on a security-checked list allowed into the neighborhood. If his brothers expected him to one day come by, despite the fact that they lived on opposite sides of the country and hadn't seen each other in three years, maybe it meant they didn't hate him. Maybe it meant that at the very least, he could return to having the love of his best friends. He was a mess without them, and he was sure that in some subconscious way, his brothers missed him, or at least knew how much he needed them.
The car crunched its way up the blacktop driveway, and Nick knew the sound was only so pronounced because he was driving so decidedly slowly. He killed the engine, listened to the engine tick as it cooled, staring up at the beautiful house for a long time. There were lace curtains in all the windows. The ones in the front window were open, and the window itself was cracked, letting the pleasant summer air sigh into the living room, which was brightly furnished with white leather couches.
Nick knew that Kevin had done most of the decorating. He also knew, when he opened the door and stepped out of the car, to be greeted by John Mayer's voice filtering out, that Kevin was home. Nick's throat closed. He knew he would be here. But, somehow, being within only a small distance of a brother he had hurt horribly scared him still. He stood there for a long moment, before swallowing the pride that had kept him from coming for so long, and started the walk up toward the front door.
The doorbell had a standard chime, but it fit the house and the life Nick had always imagined his brothers would have together. The music cut short, the sound of bare feet on a wood floor replacing it. Kevin opened the door with the nonchalance of someone accustomed to unexpected visitors, and it made Nick happy that they lived in a neighborhood where they had friends. And, even with the startled look Nick's presence provoked, he looked so beautiful and happy that Nick didn't waste his time being awkward. He smiled at his brother. "Hi, Kevin."
"Nick." Kevin breathed out the word incredulously, leaning against the doorframe, his hand still on the doorknob, like he was too shocked to remember to remove it. He shook his head. "This is... Wow. What are you doing here?"
It was a better reception than Nick had expected. But, really, Kevin wasn't the type of person who would yell, You're dead to me! and slam the door in his face. He shrugged, scuffing his sneaker on the edge of the doormat. He felt under-dressed for this moment, wearing just jeans and a t-shirt. He wished he had at least put on some nice shoes. But, Joe used to tell him that the lime-green Converse made him look less like he was going to a funeral, and he took comfort in them because his brother liked them. "Well, I'm on tour and stuff..." His voice was soft. He made a face, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking up at him with a small smile, because what he was about to say sounded silly even in his head. "And, I was in the neighborhood, so I thought maybe I'd stop by." He paused, shrugged again, ran his fingers through his hair, let his hand fall helplessly against his thigh. "You look... great, Kevin.
His brother let the faintest of smiles slip onto his face. "So do you." He conceded quietly, gesturing toward him. "But... you've always looked great to me. You've never been anything short of remarkably beautiful."
Nick blushed, ducking his head bashfully. It still left him feeling flattered and fumbling to be told that by someone he adored. "Thank you." He murmured, smiling affectionately at him. His eyes flicked past him into the house for half a moment. "Is, um - is Joe home?"
The disappointment in Kevin's face was fleeting, quickly replaced by something more bitter, less surprised. He shook his head. "No. He's on a tour in Afghanistan. I'm surprised Mom and Dad didn't say anything about it to you."
Nick nodded, feeling silly. "I don't talk to them much anymore." He admitted, shrugging. "I moved out as soon as I turned eighteen. I just... felt so betrayed by Dad for getting Joe into all this."
Kevin smiled sadly. "Joe chose it for himself." He said gently. "He was the one that signed the paperwork. And, I think he really loves being able to serve his country, so I'm trying my hardest to support him, even if I miss him like hell most of the time."
"I guess that makes sense." Nick shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. He sighed, squeezed his eyes shut, stared up at his brother. "Kevin... I'm so sorry, for everything that happened." He launched into it before he could chicken out. "I just... I was so scared. I'm still scared because I didn't want to lose either of you to... each other, but now I lost both of you, and it's completely my fault." He took a deep breath, shaking his head. "Nothing I said to you then was real. None of it meant anything. I'm sure Joe's already outed me completely with all this, and if you never forgive me, that's okay. I'd understand. But, I miss you." His voice was earnest. He took a step toward him. "I miss you, and I just... want my brothers back. I want to be able to call you and be reassured that you guys are there for you, and... I'm going to be in love with you forever." His voice dropped to a whisper. His eyes dropped to their feet. "But, I'm not stupid enough to believe I deserve that kind of forgiveness. I just... desperately miss you guys. This life is so hollow without you." He swallowed hard, looked back up at Kevin, who was listening with an expression that was hard to read. "You don't have to say anything now, but... one day, is it possible that we might be family again?"
He fell silent, taking several deep breaths, and part of him thought his lungs were empty of more than just air right now. He'd breathed out every ounce of regret and sorrow and desperation he felt. Every second that Kevin didn't speak cut sharply at his chest, but he tried hard to be patient. Finally, Kevin pushed himself off the doorframe, tipped his head to the side. "I just made coffee. And, I was thinking about pulling some of that ready-to-bake cookie dough from the freezer." His voice was full of casual affection, something like love. "Want to join me?"
Nick felt something inside of him break down and fall away, leaving him much lighter. He nodded. "I'd really like that." He stepped into the beautiful house that was full of the presence of his brothers.
Kevin closed the door behind them.
Fin.
He saw it too in what Nick became. He was the only "success" in this experiment to "save" them by parting them. He was the one left behind, sliced from the hearts of his brothers by his own actions, led by feelings that would never have surfaced without the situation into which the boys were thrown. Still - he was the one that changed. He was also the one that was broken.
Nick led a separate life from his brothers now. He was still playing, making music, and the fans loved him as much now, with a stool and an acoustic guitar, as they loved him with his brothers. He was happy that hadn't changed. He drew his strength from their acceptance. He was able to come to terms with his mistakes and, though he couldn't take them back, he could forgive himself for them. He hoped that his brothers would be able to one day forgive him as well.
The day he drove into the secure, gated community where his brothers, his loves, now resides, he was reassured of his decision to reach otut to them by the fact that his name was one of the few on a security-checked list allowed into the neighborhood. If his brothers expected him to one day come by, despite the fact that they lived on opposite sides of the country and hadn't seen each other in three years, maybe it meant they didn't hate him. Maybe it meant that at the very least, he could return to having the love of his best friends. He was a mess without them, and he was sure that in some subconscious way, his brothers missed him, or at least knew how much he needed them.
The car crunched its way up the blacktop driveway, and Nick knew the sound was only so pronounced because he was driving so decidedly slowly. He killed the engine, listened to the engine tick as it cooled, staring up at the beautiful house for a long time. There were lace curtains in all the windows. The ones in the front window were open, and the window itself was cracked, letting the pleasant summer air sigh into the living room, which was brightly furnished with white leather couches.
Nick knew that Kevin had done most of the decorating. He also knew, when he opened the door and stepped out of the car, to be greeted by John Mayer's voice filtering out, that Kevin was home. Nick's throat closed. He knew he would be here. But, somehow, being within only a small distance of a brother he had hurt horribly scared him still. He stood there for a long moment, before swallowing the pride that had kept him from coming for so long, and started the walk up toward the front door.
The doorbell had a standard chime, but it fit the house and the life Nick had always imagined his brothers would have together. The music cut short, the sound of bare feet on a wood floor replacing it. Kevin opened the door with the nonchalance of someone accustomed to unexpected visitors, and it made Nick happy that they lived in a neighborhood where they had friends. And, even with the startled look Nick's presence provoked, he looked so beautiful and happy that Nick didn't waste his time being awkward. He smiled at his brother. "Hi, Kevin."
"Nick." Kevin breathed out the word incredulously, leaning against the doorframe, his hand still on the doorknob, like he was too shocked to remember to remove it. He shook his head. "This is... Wow. What are you doing here?"
It was a better reception than Nick had expected. But, really, Kevin wasn't the type of person who would yell, You're dead to me! and slam the door in his face. He shrugged, scuffing his sneaker on the edge of the doormat. He felt under-dressed for this moment, wearing just jeans and a t-shirt. He wished he had at least put on some nice shoes. But, Joe used to tell him that the lime-green Converse made him look less like he was going to a funeral, and he took comfort in them because his brother liked them. "Well, I'm on tour and stuff..." His voice was soft. He made a face, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking up at him with a small smile, because what he was about to say sounded silly even in his head. "And, I was in the neighborhood, so I thought maybe I'd stop by." He paused, shrugged again, ran his fingers through his hair, let his hand fall helplessly against his thigh. "You look... great, Kevin.
His brother let the faintest of smiles slip onto his face. "So do you." He conceded quietly, gesturing toward him. "But... you've always looked great to me. You've never been anything short of remarkably beautiful."
Nick blushed, ducking his head bashfully. It still left him feeling flattered and fumbling to be told that by someone he adored. "Thank you." He murmured, smiling affectionately at him. His eyes flicked past him into the house for half a moment. "Is, um - is Joe home?"
The disappointment in Kevin's face was fleeting, quickly replaced by something more bitter, less surprised. He shook his head. "No. He's on a tour in Afghanistan. I'm surprised Mom and Dad didn't say anything about it to you."
Nick nodded, feeling silly. "I don't talk to them much anymore." He admitted, shrugging. "I moved out as soon as I turned eighteen. I just... felt so betrayed by Dad for getting Joe into all this."
Kevin smiled sadly. "Joe chose it for himself." He said gently. "He was the one that signed the paperwork. And, I think he really loves being able to serve his country, so I'm trying my hardest to support him, even if I miss him like hell most of the time."
"I guess that makes sense." Nick shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. He sighed, squeezed his eyes shut, stared up at his brother. "Kevin... I'm so sorry, for everything that happened." He launched into it before he could chicken out. "I just... I was so scared. I'm still scared because I didn't want to lose either of you to... each other, but now I lost both of you, and it's completely my fault." He took a deep breath, shaking his head. "Nothing I said to you then was real. None of it meant anything. I'm sure Joe's already outed me completely with all this, and if you never forgive me, that's okay. I'd understand. But, I miss you." His voice was earnest. He took a step toward him. "I miss you, and I just... want my brothers back. I want to be able to call you and be reassured that you guys are there for you, and... I'm going to be in love with you forever." His voice dropped to a whisper. His eyes dropped to their feet. "But, I'm not stupid enough to believe I deserve that kind of forgiveness. I just... desperately miss you guys. This life is so hollow without you." He swallowed hard, looked back up at Kevin, who was listening with an expression that was hard to read. "You don't have to say anything now, but... one day, is it possible that we might be family again?"
He fell silent, taking several deep breaths, and part of him thought his lungs were empty of more than just air right now. He'd breathed out every ounce of regret and sorrow and desperation he felt. Every second that Kevin didn't speak cut sharply at his chest, but he tried hard to be patient. Finally, Kevin pushed himself off the doorframe, tipped his head to the side. "I just made coffee. And, I was thinking about pulling some of that ready-to-bake cookie dough from the freezer." His voice was full of casual affection, something like love. "Want to join me?"
Nick felt something inside of him break down and fall away, leaving him much lighter. He nodded. "I'd really like that." He stepped into the beautiful house that was full of the presence of his brothers.
Kevin closed the door behind them.
Fin.