(no subject)
Well, Ryan and I got coffee last Friday.
Turns out, he always liked me, even since freshman year. He just knew he couldn't give me what I needed so that's why he never did anything. And it wasn't always an all-consuming love, but it was always there.
I was always his first choice.
It sort've feels like winning the lottery as a kid, but not knowing and having your parents keep all your money for you and spend it towards your schooling and stuff, and then later on you find out that you were super rich and had no idea, but it's better that your parents spent the money appropriately because you would've blown it on a bunch of candy.
I mean, it sucks, but it's life. And I didn't feel in love with him when we were talking. But it's hard when I think of soulmates and what that feels like and I still picture him.
But if your soulmate can't support you, then they aren't really your soulmate.
And as I've always said, I love Jonathan. Even though we've been broken up for a month, I still love him. I love talking to him, I love being around him, I love sharing my life with him. So it's not that.
I don't know. I think my heart just has a hard time loving and letting go. I want so desperately to have a one-person end-all love but I don't have that. I've been split so many times and now I feel like my love isn't complete, and that I have to give it to Ryan because I gave so much to him and shared so much. But that isn't true. I can have my heart back because it belongs to God, not to anyone else, and I can reclaim that love and give it to someone else who can support me and can give me what I need.
Life is very strange sometimes.
Turns out, he always liked me, even since freshman year. He just knew he couldn't give me what I needed so that's why he never did anything. And it wasn't always an all-consuming love, but it was always there.
I was always his first choice.
It sort've feels like winning the lottery as a kid, but not knowing and having your parents keep all your money for you and spend it towards your schooling and stuff, and then later on you find out that you were super rich and had no idea, but it's better that your parents spent the money appropriately because you would've blown it on a bunch of candy.
I mean, it sucks, but it's life. And I didn't feel in love with him when we were talking. But it's hard when I think of soulmates and what that feels like and I still picture him.
But if your soulmate can't support you, then they aren't really your soulmate.
And as I've always said, I love Jonathan. Even though we've been broken up for a month, I still love him. I love talking to him, I love being around him, I love sharing my life with him. So it's not that.
I don't know. I think my heart just has a hard time loving and letting go. I want so desperately to have a one-person end-all love but I don't have that. I've been split so many times and now I feel like my love isn't complete, and that I have to give it to Ryan because I gave so much to him and shared so much. But that isn't true. I can have my heart back because it belongs to God, not to anyone else, and I can reclaim that love and give it to someone else who can support me and can give me what I need.
Life is very strange sometimes.