LJ Idol 10.5 - Fear is the Heart of Love

[banana_galaxy]

I still remember the exact moment I knew I was in love with my husband. He'd just come home from visiting his ex-girlfriend, who was so depressed and upset that she was no longer with him that she threatened to kill him. Confronted with this news, I thought, "How would I feel if she actually succeeded with that? How much would I care

Comments

[penpusher]

This dovetails so well into deza's piece this week. I have a feeling you each would have a lot to talk to each other about, if you haven't already.

As I mentioned to her, I did an interview for my old talk_show blog with a woman at the center of a polyamory relationship, but this was a dozen years ago now. I never did a follow up to see how my guests at the time are doing these days. But then again, if I did it today it would be a podcast, not a long form Instant Message chat!

It's really fascinating to see your perspective, and see that you understand that fear of losing the relationship is one of the likely ways to lose the relationship! That's brilliance.

[banana_galaxy]

Yeah, after I posted this, I noticed she'd written about polyamory too, so I went and read her entry first.

Oh how times have changed! I still don't listen to podcasts, though I have been a guest on one.

Yep. Fear of losing a relationship can make people do stupid things that pushes the other person further away. I've been on both ends of that enough times to understand how that works.

[i_17bingo]

Because fear isn't the heart of love. Trust is.

This is so true.

[banana_galaxy]

♥

[deza]

I love seeing your perspective on this. Thank you.

One of my issues is that while love may be infinite, time is not. I see him little enough between work schedules and commutes times; I don't want to have that time lessened even more by having to share him with someone else. If you don't mind my asking, how do you reconcile that sort of thing?

[banana_galaxy]

*nod* I hear you on the limited time front. It's one of the reasons I haven't dated much in the past few years, because I prioritise other activities in my life over meeting new people, which I find exhausting when often I only meet them once and one or both of us decide there's not a good connection there

[adoptedwriter]

Good point about Trust!

[banana_galaxy]

Thanks!

[marlawentmad]

That last line is so beautiful. It is so reassuring to read your perspective. My partner and I have only recently met other people who are polyamorous. It feels so good to read something so unapologetic and honest that doesn't end in, "Then monogamy fixed every thing."

[banana_galaxy]

Hah! Whenever I'm bothered by something that directly relates to being in a polyamorous relationship, my husband asks me if I want us to go back to being monogamous, and I always answer no. I don't think monogamy would solve anything, and I don't want to limit my ability to let my attractions toward other people from developing further. And I think it would create other problems, such as if I'm unable to give to my husband something he feels he wants/needs, but that he can get from someone else. I don't want to let that kind of resentment build in our relationship.

Monogamy works for some people. But I don't think I'm someone who could live a monogamous life any more.

Are you and your partner also polyamorous, and if so, how long have you been exploring that? (My husband and I were poly long before we really met anyone who also lived in polyamorous relationships).

[wolfden]

We've been polyamorous for our entire relationship (more than twenty years now) - there have been times when it was more theoretical polyamorous than practicing (in that there was a time when neither of us had other relationships). We were polyamorous before we knew the time or knew others that were also polyamorous.