rialto
I'm back in my hidey hole again as I'm proceeding through this week somewhat more haphazardly than last week - all my days are all over the place, but I'm liking the Chaos - it keeps me on my toes.
Well, I'm off tomorrow, and it's nearly time to hit University (which is daunting) but initially there's my holiday to have. I'm looking forward to it so much - it'll be odd going back to Amsterdam and Berlin under such different circumstances.
I moved to the Netherlands in 2000 to start work at the Gerrit Rietveld Acadamie, the left-field art-school, and to move in with my then boyfriend who worked for the Nationale Ballet. I don't think I've been back since then - it shocked me earlier how quickly time passes: at the beginning of next month I'll have been in London for six years. Six bloody years! It's astonishing.
The days at the moment come and go, drizzling by and meaning very little - it's a shame, I hate wasting time when it's not of my own real accord. I enjoy wasting time deliberately, everyone does, it's a genuine luxury of liberal Democracy that we're allowed to, but I hate time slipping past me and feeling I am unable to make that time worthwhile.
I suppose that's why I come here to this quiet room to collect my thoughts and read for a while. Sitting alone thinking actually feels liek a worthwhile pursuit! I think I spend way too much time inside my own thoughts - it can make me appear detached, in fact I probably am...
It's been a difficult few weeks. I don't say that in order to try to illicit any sympathy (I know you all to well to know that none would be offererd anyway!) but simply as a statement of fact. Over the last few weeks, I've taken apart and analysed in detail almost every part of my whole life - I've had space for self-reflection - and I can't say I've liked that much of it. In fact I still don't, but the difference at the moment is that I'm either ignoring what can't be changed or working on what can.
Sometimes life seems genuinely insurmountable, and it can be the most terrifying thing, especially when any feelings of isolation and lonliness are amplified for whatever reasons. I'm still unsure that it's not insurmountable, but I've made the conscious decision to just keep plodding on, as always.
At least I have some time away. Berlin seems to be a place which calls to me every time I need to depart and clearify my thoughts and dreams and I returned last time with some actions to implement in order to improve my lot. They didn't all see the light of day, and some of those that did have had a bitter sting or have left me reeling, but at the time they seemed valid, and some of them have borne fruit. I only wish they all had, but then wishing gets you nowhere.
Hope is a funny thing, and hoping that truths are true and that work begets reward begets happiness are the only real tangiable intangiables I have at the moment. It's a lot to invest in, but there is no alternative.
So, we stumble blindly forward and hope that things come to bear.
Well, I'm off tomorrow, and it's nearly time to hit University (which is daunting) but initially there's my holiday to have. I'm looking forward to it so much - it'll be odd going back to Amsterdam and Berlin under such different circumstances.
I moved to the Netherlands in 2000 to start work at the Gerrit Rietveld Acadamie, the left-field art-school, and to move in with my then boyfriend who worked for the Nationale Ballet. I don't think I've been back since then - it shocked me earlier how quickly time passes: at the beginning of next month I'll have been in London for six years. Six bloody years! It's astonishing.
The days at the moment come and go, drizzling by and meaning very little - it's a shame, I hate wasting time when it's not of my own real accord. I enjoy wasting time deliberately, everyone does, it's a genuine luxury of liberal Democracy that we're allowed to, but I hate time slipping past me and feeling I am unable to make that time worthwhile.
I suppose that's why I come here to this quiet room to collect my thoughts and read for a while. Sitting alone thinking actually feels liek a worthwhile pursuit! I think I spend way too much time inside my own thoughts - it can make me appear detached, in fact I probably am...
It's been a difficult few weeks. I don't say that in order to try to illicit any sympathy (I know you all to well to know that none would be offererd anyway!) but simply as a statement of fact. Over the last few weeks, I've taken apart and analysed in detail almost every part of my whole life - I've had space for self-reflection - and I can't say I've liked that much of it. In fact I still don't, but the difference at the moment is that I'm either ignoring what can't be changed or working on what can.
Sometimes life seems genuinely insurmountable, and it can be the most terrifying thing, especially when any feelings of isolation and lonliness are amplified for whatever reasons. I'm still unsure that it's not insurmountable, but I've made the conscious decision to just keep plodding on, as always.
At least I have some time away. Berlin seems to be a place which calls to me every time I need to depart and clearify my thoughts and dreams and I returned last time with some actions to implement in order to improve my lot. They didn't all see the light of day, and some of those that did have had a bitter sting or have left me reeling, but at the time they seemed valid, and some of them have borne fruit. I only wish they all had, but then wishing gets you nowhere.
Hope is a funny thing, and hoping that truths are true and that work begets reward begets happiness are the only real tangiable intangiables I have at the moment. It's a lot to invest in, but there is no alternative.
So, we stumble blindly forward and hope that things come to bear.