(no subject)
OK. So... It has been my own motto, and advice, for so many people that eveything happens - happens for the best. SOOOOOooo I am just going to have to stick it out, and believe in my own advice.
It's been so long, so horrible... Sigh... I am just ready to be the person I was before. Not the paranoid person that I became. I never had problems before. But it seemed like every time that I talked... I was angry because I knew something was going on... and if it wasn't I had no idea to disprove it because when I asked for cooperation it was never given to me... I was just being yelled at and being called ridiculous and that my thoughts were not important or not necessary. BUT how can you go on believing someone if every time you turn around you found out something that you shuoldn't have. Something you saw because they weren't expecting you. Something is always there. And my animosity... sigh
I think that one of the things that was very important to me was his friends. I knew and could understand he was changing, but it has been YEARS to get there... years that I burried myself in worries and in pain of my own ignorance. I should have never pursued it when I knew it was drug-involved. But I was colorblind. When he refused to make other friends, I can't handle it because if he was to change, he couldn't still hang out with all of them... where he went every night and they smoked pot every night. Where that's all they did. How can be ok - emotionally- and not have thoughts crawling up and down my spine of him sittin in a room full of smoke, reeking of a habit he has had daily for 5 years.. and expect him not to be involved. It's such a nervous issue with me, that I do not think that I will ever touch or want to be around pot ever again. It has worn a hole in me... and in my ability to be and think sanely.
Its amazing how I was there all the time... I put myself forward and I would do anything - give the best of me. It was him that went to jail so many times, but it was me that layed in bed drowning myself in tears and torment... losing ground and asking why again? I told him so. Why can't he listen to me. His mom was always right, show me your friends and I will show you your future. I just cant handle this much .. at all. I have no idea how I made it two whole years with constant worries. It's HIGHLY not normal that for the past two years I have been going to bed with my last thought for the night... I hope he is not in jail. When I called and he didnt pick up, I thought I hope he is not in jail. When he called ... I hoped that it is not a call to say that he is going there. I mean.. that's not normal. And when it was thanksgiving, him condescending me in front of his whole family - I thought that was enough. But we talked and talked and he promised he would change. Well... Nothing has changed... I am still "ridiculous" and unnecessary... when all I want to do is care, make it all ok, make a difference in his life, make sure he will reach his goals. And I have done that. I SERIOUSLY think that if it wasn't for me, he would be in a BAD place right now. His mom and I would even talk about it.. I went through so much... and when I stepped in to his life he got happy for the first time since his sister.
To me, it doesn't matter how ths ends but what matters is that I think I have made a difference in someone's life, someone that I truly care about and love. And maybe it wil take sometime to see .. but I hope it happens. Because I have done all that I possibly could to make his life a little brighter, a little better, and a little lighter.
It's been so long, so horrible... Sigh... I am just ready to be the person I was before. Not the paranoid person that I became. I never had problems before. But it seemed like every time that I talked... I was angry because I knew something was going on... and if it wasn't I had no idea to disprove it because when I asked for cooperation it was never given to me... I was just being yelled at and being called ridiculous and that my thoughts were not important or not necessary. BUT how can you go on believing someone if every time you turn around you found out something that you shuoldn't have. Something you saw because they weren't expecting you. Something is always there. And my animosity... sigh
I think that one of the things that was very important to me was his friends. I knew and could understand he was changing, but it has been YEARS to get there... years that I burried myself in worries and in pain of my own ignorance. I should have never pursued it when I knew it was drug-involved. But I was colorblind. When he refused to make other friends, I can't handle it because if he was to change, he couldn't still hang out with all of them... where he went every night and they smoked pot every night. Where that's all they did. How can be ok - emotionally- and not have thoughts crawling up and down my spine of him sittin in a room full of smoke, reeking of a habit he has had daily for 5 years.. and expect him not to be involved. It's such a nervous issue with me, that I do not think that I will ever touch or want to be around pot ever again. It has worn a hole in me... and in my ability to be and think sanely.
Its amazing how I was there all the time... I put myself forward and I would do anything - give the best of me. It was him that went to jail so many times, but it was me that layed in bed drowning myself in tears and torment... losing ground and asking why again? I told him so. Why can't he listen to me. His mom was always right, show me your friends and I will show you your future. I just cant handle this much .. at all. I have no idea how I made it two whole years with constant worries. It's HIGHLY not normal that for the past two years I have been going to bed with my last thought for the night... I hope he is not in jail. When I called and he didnt pick up, I thought I hope he is not in jail. When he called ... I hoped that it is not a call to say that he is going there. I mean.. that's not normal. And when it was thanksgiving, him condescending me in front of his whole family - I thought that was enough. But we talked and talked and he promised he would change. Well... Nothing has changed... I am still "ridiculous" and unnecessary... when all I want to do is care, make it all ok, make a difference in his life, make sure he will reach his goals. And I have done that. I SERIOUSLY think that if it wasn't for me, he would be in a BAD place right now. His mom and I would even talk about it.. I went through so much... and when I stepped in to his life he got happy for the first time since his sister.
To me, it doesn't matter how ths ends but what matters is that I think I have made a difference in someone's life, someone that I truly care about and love. And maybe it wil take sometime to see .. but I hope it happens. Because I have done all that I possibly could to make his life a little brighter, a little better, and a little lighter.