Curse you! *shakes fist menacingly*
I had a dream about distant Chris Spong last night. This hasn't happened in a couple weeks, probably months! Yes, at least all summer. But I know it's because at work yesterday I was reading my journal instead of writing in it.
My aunt got the journal for me around easter (2007) I think, so it starts in April and it was interesting yesterday to read how at first there were little sentences here and there sprinkled into the rest of my woes and throes about Chris telling me a funny story, or seeing him at the track meet and chatting for most of the time (that particular day I was tagging along with Sara and Madeleine who were watching their boys. So I was relieved to see my buddy pole vaulting and kicking everyone's ass at the 400--also relieved that he finished quickly and sat with me the rest of the time). Anyways it was interesting to see it go from that "hum dee dum dee dum" to, WHY THE FUCK WON'T HE LOOK AT ME? in a matter of pages.
Senior all night party was worth it, but my fears were not unfounded. I was very happy with my manner of dress, and quite content with the group I went around with. Whether it was all of us, just me/Corey/Lark, or Spong. I finally found him at the Target Center as we were loading the buses, and he held out his fist but I said, "no let's hug" and he basically lifted me off my feet and spun me around. The only picture I wanted was of the Labia Ladies and we got it---saw Melissa! Lark's told me three times now, "she really likes you, Rach" Yeah! Mel is awesome, I think Meg, Mick, and I should hang out with her this summer. Bus ride was quiet. Outside it was such a beautiful night! .....(skipping a conversation between the L Ladies)
...Palm reader told me I desperately want to express myself but don't know how. Tarot card woman said my life will be about a high moral code, and justice in the sense of knowing which side to fall on, and the good I do in the world. I was immediately reminded of Harry Potter! The only thing she had wrong was that teasing was what I had to go through to gain my new, amazing heart and push forward...but who ever teased me besides Matt, which I've long since gotten over. It was more feeling inadequate and ignored. I saw Chris in the casino and we did nascar driving together, and then he hugged me again from the side while we were walking back to the main area, so I grasped his arm going across chest (Ooer) and gave it a squeeze.
I MISS MY FRIEND on Wednesday August 15th 2007 Felt good after my bike ride yesterday evening. I filled the empty house with The Science of Sleep soundtrack and invited Sara over. She was going to have a bonfire so I showered and pinned up my cool new skirt and wore my velvet black shirt and my hair was making me happy (and Madeleine as well), so no insecurities on the usual front. Kevin Casey is just as funny as M and S have told me, and I am content to just sit by a warm fire on a cool summer night. And Chris and Abby are pretty funny, and pretty cute. But what the hell happened to my buddy who tells me stories and gives me hugs? The three times Chris has been utterly indifferent towards me have been with Abby by his side (Orch banquet, his open house, the Hilgert's house earlier in the summer).
And Claire and Madeleine were fairly quick to point that out. But as I said to them, why should that matter?? Chris and I are not flirtatious or anything of the sort. We are friends and he really could act like it more. I felt so morose around that fire when he wouldn't so much as look at me directly. Or acknowledge that he knew me any better than he id Jenny McCabe or Kelsey Leman. He made me feel like a world class exaggerator...full out liar! All the stories I've told Madeleine and Sara (C and I went to a different high school than M and S) about funny Chris, kind Chris, even jerk Chris. I think I'd rather he had been outwardly mean to me than so indifferent.
It felt like any conversation, relationship, contact we've ever had was something I dreamed, or made up in my head, and I was just now coming to terms with it. How dare he make me fell like that. I imagined it, around the fire, just to be absolutely sure, and I am 100% SURE it's nothing to do with bitter romantic feelings. My love for Chris Spong is sisterly at best. But that doesn't mean I can't feel angry and upset that he acts so unkindly in his indifference. I know, I keep using that word, but that's exactly what it is, exactly how he acts. Is it really Abby?
Boobah! In my dream last night I was crying really heavily but it felt good, and I had a thick envelope in my hands, and I was trying to catch Spong's eye from across this huge room with TONS of kids in it. And I couldn't and suddenly I was sitting with Steph (from work and high school) and her friend and they were asking about the envelope, which I had forgotten about and suddenly I marched over to Chris slammed it down in front of him, while he looked at me like he had no particular feeling towards what was happening, and I can't remember what happened next. In the dream we all found out what was in the envelope (even dream me didn't know until that point) and I remember thinking, "oh that's kind of funny" when I found out what was in it, but I can't remember for the life of me now! parking tickets? all the comics he drew me? I have no clue.
I've never felt good crying in a dream before.
Geez it's already 9am! I have to go work out before Claire takes me to Value Village (everything is half off which means $2 shirts and $4 dresses!)
Have a good week guys ♥
My aunt got the journal for me around easter (2007) I think, so it starts in April and it was interesting yesterday to read how at first there were little sentences here and there sprinkled into the rest of my woes and throes about Chris telling me a funny story, or seeing him at the track meet and chatting for most of the time (that particular day I was tagging along with Sara and Madeleine who were watching their boys. So I was relieved to see my buddy pole vaulting and kicking everyone's ass at the 400--also relieved that he finished quickly and sat with me the rest of the time). Anyways it was interesting to see it go from that "hum dee dum dee dum" to, WHY THE FUCK WON'T HE LOOK AT ME? in a matter of pages.
Senior all night party was worth it, but my fears were not unfounded. I was very happy with my manner of dress, and quite content with the group I went around with. Whether it was all of us, just me/Corey/Lark, or Spong. I finally found him at the Target Center as we were loading the buses, and he held out his fist but I said, "no let's hug" and he basically lifted me off my feet and spun me around. The only picture I wanted was of the Labia Ladies and we got it---saw Melissa! Lark's told me three times now, "she really likes you, Rach" Yeah! Mel is awesome, I think Meg, Mick, and I should hang out with her this summer. Bus ride was quiet. Outside it was such a beautiful night! .....(skipping a conversation between the L Ladies)
...Palm reader told me I desperately want to express myself but don't know how. Tarot card woman said my life will be about a high moral code, and justice in the sense of knowing which side to fall on, and the good I do in the world. I was immediately reminded of Harry Potter! The only thing she had wrong was that teasing was what I had to go through to gain my new, amazing heart and push forward...but who ever teased me besides Matt, which I've long since gotten over. It was more feeling inadequate and ignored. I saw Chris in the casino and we did nascar driving together, and then he hugged me again from the side while we were walking back to the main area, so I grasped his arm going across chest (Ooer) and gave it a squeeze.
I MISS MY FRIEND on Wednesday August 15th 2007 Felt good after my bike ride yesterday evening. I filled the empty house with The Science of Sleep soundtrack and invited Sara over. She was going to have a bonfire so I showered and pinned up my cool new skirt and wore my velvet black shirt and my hair was making me happy (and Madeleine as well), so no insecurities on the usual front. Kevin Casey is just as funny as M and S have told me, and I am content to just sit by a warm fire on a cool summer night. And Chris and Abby are pretty funny, and pretty cute. But what the hell happened to my buddy who tells me stories and gives me hugs? The three times Chris has been utterly indifferent towards me have been with Abby by his side (Orch banquet, his open house, the Hilgert's house earlier in the summer).
And Claire and Madeleine were fairly quick to point that out. But as I said to them, why should that matter?? Chris and I are not flirtatious or anything of the sort. We are friends and he really could act like it more. I felt so morose around that fire when he wouldn't so much as look at me directly. Or acknowledge that he knew me any better than he id Jenny McCabe or Kelsey Leman. He made me feel like a world class exaggerator...full out liar! All the stories I've told Madeleine and Sara (C and I went to a different high school than M and S) about funny Chris, kind Chris, even jerk Chris. I think I'd rather he had been outwardly mean to me than so indifferent.
It felt like any conversation, relationship, contact we've ever had was something I dreamed, or made up in my head, and I was just now coming to terms with it. How dare he make me fell like that. I imagined it, around the fire, just to be absolutely sure, and I am 100% SURE it's nothing to do with bitter romantic feelings. My love for Chris Spong is sisterly at best. But that doesn't mean I can't feel angry and upset that he acts so unkindly in his indifference. I know, I keep using that word, but that's exactly what it is, exactly how he acts. Is it really Abby?
Boobah! In my dream last night I was crying really heavily but it felt good, and I had a thick envelope in my hands, and I was trying to catch Spong's eye from across this huge room with TONS of kids in it. And I couldn't and suddenly I was sitting with Steph (from work and high school) and her friend and they were asking about the envelope, which I had forgotten about and suddenly I marched over to Chris slammed it down in front of him, while he looked at me like he had no particular feeling towards what was happening, and I can't remember what happened next. In the dream we all found out what was in the envelope (even dream me didn't know until that point) and I remember thinking, "oh that's kind of funny" when I found out what was in it, but I can't remember for the life of me now! parking tickets? all the comics he drew me? I have no clue.
I've never felt good crying in a dream before.
Geez it's already 9am! I have to go work out before Claire takes me to Value Village (everything is half off which means $2 shirts and $4 dresses!)
Have a good week guys ♥